78h: Eric Idle / Kate Bush
The Woman He Loved
Prince Charles.....Eric Idle
Vonda Walker.....Laraine Newman
Police Officer.....Dan Aykroyd
[ open on black-and-white footage throughout London ]
Announcer V/O: In London today, anxious crowds filled the streets, waiting for some word from Buckingham Palace regarding the whereabouts of Prince Charles. The city is alive with the rumor that a royal marriage is in the offing, and that the heir to the throne is currently living with a 13-year old white trash girl in the deep South of the United States. As yet, there has been no comment from the Palace. This is David Fielding with the BBC in London.
[ dissolve to title card: "THE WOMAN HE LOVED" ]
[ dissolve to exterior, traielr park ]
[ dissolve to interior, trailer, as Prince Charles composes a letter ]
Prince Charles: "Dear Mum, Regards Your Majesty: I regret that I shall be unable to attend the opening of Parliament this year, as I am unfortunately detained..." [ he turns to look at the white trash seated across the trailer ] "...on business. Yours Faithfully, Charles, Prince of Wales."
Vonda Walker: Charles? How come you never take me anywhere?
Prince Charles: Now, you know that's not true, Vonda. Last week, I took you to the stockcar races in Greenfield.
Vonda Walker: I don't mean ,i>that. I want to go with you when you launch a battleship over in Europe!
Prince Charles: Oh, you'd just be BORED silly, Vonda! Besides, we've gone over this: I am the heir to the throne of England, and you are a thirteen-year old American commoner with a fourth grade education.
Vonda Walker: You think I'm STUPID, don't you?!
Prince Charles: [ on bended knee ] Now, you know I don't think that for a moment, my treasure.
Vonda Walker: Well... your mother doesn't like me. I know that.
Prince Charles: [ taken aback ] Well... no, she doesn't. But she'll come 'round. You wait and see!
Vonda Walker: Well, in the meantime, I have to sit home all day, eating Super Pops and watching TV while you're out on manuevers with the Royal Navy!
Prince Charles: Vonda, have you any idea what it's like to be Commander-in-Chief of the Welsh guards?
Vonda Walker: [ thinking ] Well... no.
Prince Charles: Well, it's a difficult and a touchy job, I'll have you know.
[ a series of sharp knocks sound at the door ]
Vonda Walker: [ calling out ] It's open!
[ a Police Officer enters the trailer ]
Police Officer: Hi! Yeah, sorry to disturb you folks, but we got a call about a domestic disturbance here in the trailer park. Mr. Stancil Kaywood got a bowl o' hot grits dumped on him by his wife. Uh -- you know anything about that?
Vonda Walker: Hell, they carry on all the TIME like that!
Police Officer: Yeah, well, I guess I'd better take your names, in case you have to come to court and give a statement. Your names?
Prince Charles: Uh, certainly. This is Vonda Walker -- [ she waves ]
Police Officer: Uh-huh?
Prince Charles: And I am Prince Charles.
Police Officer: Okay. Say -- you know, there's an L.C. Charles, runs the tractor-trailer show every month up there in Future City, Illinois? You have any relation to him?
Prince Charles: Probably not -- no. My actual name is Charles Windsor.
Police Officer: [ he starts whistling and chuckling ] I used to know a Jule Windsor! His daddy and my daddy used to run a Diamond truck out of Meridian! He's out in Oklahoma now, he works for the gas company. Hell, he's making $17.50, $18.50 an hour, or something like that! Heh!
Prince Charles: That's really quite a marvelous wage!
Police Officer: Oh, yeah!
Prince Charles: That's really good for him. Well, I doubt we're closely related, but I could write the Genealogical Society in London, and ask them to check it for you.
Police Officer: Oh, hell! If you'd find Jule's address, I'd apppreciate it! Last I heard, he was in Prairie or Collinsville... near Tulsa, anyway.
Prince Charles: Well, I-I can't promise anything, but I will give it a go.
Police Officer: Well, how you like there, Prince! Ma'am, we'll see you later.
Vonda Walker: Bye!
Police Officer: Oh, by the way, Prince -- I noticed on the way in, you got friction straps on your pick-up truck. Well, I'll tell you something now, we got an ordinace here in Webster County -- they're illegal! I don't know why, but it's the law! You better take 'em off. I'll give you a warning this time, but you all take them off, alright?
Prince Charles: Thank you, Officer. I'll take care of it personally.
Police Officer: Okay!
Vonda Walker: Bye!
Police Officer: Bye!
[ the Police Officer exits the trailer ]
Vonda Walker: Baby? I'm sorry that I yelled at you, Charles. It's just that, sometimes, I think it might be better if we just... parted.
Prince Charles: [ he hugs her ] Vonda! Don't think such a thing, darling. Ever since I first set eyes on you, in your white vinyl boots and your orange halter top, I knew that you meant MORE to me than all the well-born, sophisticated, better-educated, over 21-yeear old women in the world.
Vonda Walker: Oh, Charles! [ she kisses him and pulls over to the other side of the trailer ]
[ suddenly, their neighbor lloyd enters the trailer ]
Lloyd: Hey, uh -- either of you seen that, uh, tramp of a wife of mine? Where is she?! Where is that little SLUT?! I'll KILL her!
Prince Charles: Hi, Lloyd.
Lloyd: Uh -- hi there, Charlie. Hell, you know I work 60 hours a week... you know, I come home... you know, she's out with a different man every night. You know? I KNOW she's out with Bobby Tucker!
Prince Charles: Yes -- I'm afraid I did see your wife with Mr. Tucker earleir this evening, when I was taking the trash to the dump.
Vonda Walker: I saw him, too!
Lloyd: Where do you think he went, Charlie?
Prince Charles: Wellll... I did borrow a cigarette from bobby, and he did mention something about Bobo Johnson's Tick-Tock Lounge, uh, Route 52.
Lloyd: Alright, thanks a lot, CHarlie! I'm gonna go down there and blow their heads off. You got any, uh, rifle slugs for a Remington Brushmaster?
Prince Charles: Uhhh -- I don't think so.
Lloyd: I just need two.
Prince Charles: I'll just check. [ he opens a cigar box ] No, sorry. Right out. Can't help you, Lloyd.
Lloyd: Well, thanks anyway, Charlie.
Prince Charles: Yeah. Hope things work out for the best.
Vonda Walker: Bye, Lloyd!
[ Lloyd exits the trailer ]
Prince Charles: [ holding up a pack of birth control pills ] Vonda?
Vonda Walker: Mmm-hmm?
Prince Charles: Perhaps you can explain these?
Vonda Walker: [ surprised ] Oh, uh... my birth control pills! [ she laughs nervously ] THERE they are! I lost them last Thursday!
Prince Charles: Last Thursday? You and I have a very specific agreement on this!
Vonda Walker: [ crying ] But I want your baby! I want to be QUEEN of England! And I want to bear you a KING! His name's gonna be KING DARRELL!!
Prince Charles: Darling, the ramifications are ENORMOUS! The entire British Commonwealth is involved.
Vonda Walker: But all that matters is you and me! You said so yourself!
Prince Charles: Very well. The only honorable thing to do... is to go to England... and speak to my mother, the Queen.
[ Charles exits the trailer to make the journey ]
[ cut to stock footage of a bus traveling down the highway and a plane flying through the air, over bouncy music ]
[ cut to exterior, Buckingham Palace, as "Hail Brittania" plays ]
[ cut back to stock footage of a plane flying through the air and a bus traveling down the highway, over bouncy music ]
[ return to the trailer, as Charles re-enters ]
Prince Charles: Darling? My mother says "No!" I'm afraid I can't see you any more. Sorry.
[ Charles exits the trailer, as Vonda stands with her mouth agape ]
[ dissolve to title card ]
[ SCROLL: "We gratefully acknowledge the cooperation of the Royal Family of Great Britain, in particular H.R.H. Charles Prince of Wales and Department of Parks and Recreation, Webster County, Mississippi.
[ fade ]