Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 8

78h: Eric Idle / Kate Bush

The French Chef

Julia Child.....Dan Aykroyd

Julia Child: Welcome. I'm Julia Child. Today, we're going to make a holiday feast, and we're going to start with a half-boned chicken, a fine, fat roasting chicken. Now, first, remove the giblets - and you really should save the giblets. They make a fine stock for soup. Or you can save the liver and fry it up with some onions for a little snack; or if you have a number of livers, you can make a lovely liver pate, or a delicious liverwurst which you can spread on a cracker - a Ritz cracker, a Saltine.. or rye bread, or pumpernickel bread.. or if you're celebrating the Jewish holidays, you can make a chopped liver and shape it into the bust of a friend.. if someone's getting married or bar-mitzvahed. Or, if you have a little cat or a dog, they love liver. Save the liver! Don't throw it away! I hope I've made my point. Don't throw the liver away.

Now, where was I? [ looks around the kitchen ] Oh, yes. Anyway, it's time to bone the chicken. Now, for this, you need a very sharp knife. You can't do nothing without a sharp knife! [ holds chicken and cuts ] Now, you place the chicken on its stomach, and cut along the backbone to the pug nose like so.. [ drops knife ] crap! Oh! Oh, now I've done it - I've cut the dickens out of my finger. Well, I'm glad, in a way, this has happened.. [ blood squirts onto the chicken ] We have never really discussed what to do. First, we must stop the bleeding. [ holds her apron over her hand ] The best way is to put pressure on the apron, like so.. [ blood keeps sqirting all over the kitchen ] Now, you want to raise your hand above your head so the blood doesn't pump all the way up. [ blood continues to squirt ] Well, the apron doesn't seem to be working, so I recommend natural coagulants, such as chicken liver.. [ picks up the chicken liver ] Remember not to throw away the liver! [ blood squirts over the chicken liver ] Oh, God, it's throbbing! Well, a tourniquet can be made, using a chicken bone.. [ wraps towl and chicken bone around her hand ] Find a pressure point between the heart and the wound - in this case, the wrist - and cut off the blood. This is a last resort, however, because you could lose your hand if you tighten it too much! [ blood keeps squirting ] If you're too woozy to tie the tourniquet, you might call Emergency Help - there's not much time left.. [ hobbles towards the phone on back wall and picks it up ] Now, every kitchen phone should have the Emergency number written on it somewhere.. [ looks at phone ] Uh-oh! This one doesn't! 9-1-1! [ tries to dial the number, but can't ] Oh, this phone is a prop, it doesn't work! [ drops the phone, becoming woozy ] That's a shame, because I'm remembering a time when I was a little girl and I.. had a dog named Admiral.. I used to give him liver.. and my mother gave me a doll.. [ starts tipping from side to side ] Why are you all spinning..? Uh.. I think I'm going to go to sleep now.. bon appetit.. [ falls headfirst onto the counter, then jumps up one last time ] Save the liver! [ falls back onto the counter and twitches before dying ]

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