78h: Eric Idle / Kate Bush
Cochise at Oxford
Professor ... Eric Idle
Student #1 ... Dan Aykroyd
Student #2 ... Laraine Newman
Student #3 ... John Belushi
Student #4 ... Gilda Radner
Student #5 ... Garrett Morris
Cochise ... Bill Murray
Student #6 ... Jane Curtin
[Title graphic: a photo of the Oxford University
campus in Great Britain with a text that reads:
COCHISE AT Oxford]
Don Pardo: Time now for Cochise at Oxford. This week,
Episode One: Tea and Tomahawks. We join Cochise's new
rhetoric professor as he asks the last question on an
[Dissolve to a classroom where a white-haired
professor paces back and forth leading his students
through an oral exam. Everyone wears black robes.]
Professor: And one final question. Would you prefer to
spend a fortnight in an onion cellar searching for,
uh, um, man's inhumanity to man -- or ... have all of
Thomas Hardy's furniture start swelling up, say, two,
three, four times its normal size? You in the onion
cellar or Mr. Hardy's furniture? No doubt frightening
the dear old man half out of his wits into the
bargain. Couches and tables bulging up this way and
that -- and there dear Mr. Hardy staggering back in
disbelief searching his poetic soul for some
explanation for this horrid vision. Your insignificant
selves in an onion cellar or the incomparable Thomas
Hardy, perhaps even struck down by a milk lorry in his
attempt to flee the horrors of inflated chairs and
ottomans, outsized highboys, engorged love seats,
goliath Queen Anne tables, bulbous end tables and all
the other villainy that makes this abhorrent vision
worthy of rejection. All done? Very well. Put your
pens down. Quick! What weighs more: a pound of flesh
nearest the heart or a pound on the head?
Students: A pound on the head!
Professor: Who had hemorrhoids?
Professor: Mayberry-Sims, how do you get down from an
Student #1: [politely] I'm not Mayberry-Sims, sir.
Student #2: I know, sir!
Professor: What's your name?
Student #2: Names aren't important, sir.
Professor: Quite right! How do you get down from an
Student #2: Well, you wait until they get into your
pajamas and then you shoot them down.
Professor: Hm hm hm? The hand that rocks the cradle,
pulls the pajama cord -- is that it?
Student #3: Pulls the trigger more than likely, sir.
Professor: Mayberry-Sims, what have you to say to
Student #1: [politely] I'm not Mayberry-Sims, sir.
Professor: Where the devil is Mayberry-Sims?
Student #4: He was hit, sir!
Professor: Was he shot?
Student #1: In his pajamas.
Professor: What was he doing in his pajamas?
Professor: Very good. Now, all of you, an exercise. I
want you all to empty the left-hand side of your
brains. Empty all the thoughts out of the left-hand
side and leave the right as it is. [students flop over
and moan as if lobotomized] Mm hm. Mm hm. Now, you are
experiencing a form of abject clarity. Now, tell me,
which came first -- the chicken or the egg? [students
moan incomprehensibly] Doesn't anybody know? Somebody
must know. Who came first -- the chicken or the egg?
[Cochise, in full Apache regalia, enters dramatically,
accompanied by a stereotypical Indian musical theme]
Ah! You must be the new fellow. How do you do? [they
shake hands, students moan] All of you! All of you,
fill up the left side of your brains again, please!
[students slowly return to normal] Now, then, this is
Cochise, a full-blooded Apache Indian.
Students: A woo-woo Indian or a India Indian?
Professor: Uhhhh... [looks at Cochise] A woo-woo
Indian, I would say. [to Cochise] Do you have a book?
[Cochise solemnly touches a book he carries under his
arm] Good. Go sit down there with the Catholics.
Students: There's no room!
Professor: Well, make some room. Come on, now.
[Cochise takes a seat at the end of the second row and
watches in astonished silence as the Professor and his
students run through their nonsensical exchanges] Now,
then, class ... What's your favorite law?
Students: The Natural Law!
Students: Because it's all-natural!
Professor: Who enforces the Natural Law?
Student #5: The police, usually.
Professor: Name something that isn't covered under the
Student #6: Artificial flowers and unlicensed
Professor: Good! Anyone else?
Student #1: Everything that isn't ... natural.
Professor: Perfect! What isn't natural?
Student #2: Oh! For an animal to act in a most unusual
Professor: Really? Does the Natural Law permit a
creature to befoul itself?
Professor: What about ducks?
Professor: Consider ducks. If a duck were to wet,
would it not soil its own large, webbed feet?
Student #3: Ducks are wet in the water -- they'd swim
away from it.
Professor: What about the ones that walk around on the
shore? Surely they're not running into the sea
whenever the pressing need to take a leak is with
Student #6: Well, they lift their leg.
Professor: What?! And then they put their foot right
down in the big orange puddle?
Students: How unnatural!
Student #5: Well, they ARE ducks.
Student #4: Are you suggesting that their feet are too
Student #2: I know! They urinate and run at the same
Student #1: [to the other students] I think Elizabeth
was on to something there, uh, with this lifting the
leg business. Perhaps they lift their leg and instead
of putting it down again, they - they simply ... hop
Professor: Like this, you mean?
[The Professor, standing at the chalkboard at the
front of the room, starts hopping up and down on one
foot. Apparently fed up with this insanity, Cochise
rises from his seat, a tomahawk in his hand. He takes
aim and throws it at the Professor. Then we pan over
to the Professor whose deadpan face is only inches
away from the tomahawk which is embedded in the
chalkboard beside him. The Professor turns to the
Professor: Who threw that? Come on. [Cochise stands
stone-faced] Who was it?
[The Professor looks around the room indignantly as we
dissolve back to the title graphic: COCHISE AT Oxford]
Don Pardo: Don't miss Episode Two: Drums Along the
Thames -- next time on Cochise at Oxford.