Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 8









78h: Eric Idle / Kate Bush

Candy Slice Recording Session

Phil Malone ... John Belushi
Justin ... Eric Idle
Backup Singer #1 ... Laraine Newman
Backup Singer #2 ... Jane Curtin
Jerry Eldini ... Bill Murray
Candy Slice ... Gilda Radner

[Recording studio. Out on the floor, punk singer Candy Slice's manager Justin, an Englishman in suit and tie, chats with the musicians in the studio band. Producer Phil Malone enters from the control room to confront him.]

Phil Malone: Now, look. Where is she? It's been six and a half hours. We've been waiting for six and a half hours. Who the hell does she think she is?

Justin: Look, she's an artist. She's a genius. She's a rock messiah. She's the future! She'll be here. Relax.

Phil Malone: Look, I've worked with a lot of "rock messiahs" before. They never kept me waiting. Not me -- not Phil Malone! Naw, I worked with - I worked with Hendrix! Hendrix never kept me waiting. Jim Morrison never kept me waiting.

Backup Singer #1: What about Jim Croce?

Phil Malone: Once. But it wasn't his fault.

Backup Singer #1: I think it's an honor to be kept waiting by Candy Slice. I mean, she's a poet. What's the matter with all of you?

[Oily music company rep and drug supplier Jerry Eldini, wearing a garish yellow POLYSUTRA jacket, enters and starts schmoozing with everyone.]

Jerry Eldini: Ohhh! Hi, Phil. Good! The band's here. Hi, Justin, decent jacket. How are you? You must be the back-up singers. Jerry Eldini, Polysutra A & R, how ya doin', kids? Phil! [kisses the producer on the head] Beautiful to work with you, man. How are you?

Phil Malone: Eldini, we've been waiting six and a half hours. You're supposed to keep an eye on her. Where is she? Who the hell does she think she is anyway?

Jerry Eldini: I am sorry. Five more minutes, Phil, please?

Phil Malone: No!

Jerry Eldini: Can we talk for a second?

[Eldini turns his back on the others (and the camera) to hide the fact that Phil is being invited to lean over and take a fast snort of Eldini's cocaine - Phil leans in, his head briefly hidden from view, then quickly straightens up, wiping his nose.]

Phil Malone: Okay, five minutes.

Justin: Jerry, uh, could we talk for a second?

Jerry Eldini: Certainly.

Justin: Thank you.

[Justin, too, leans in for a quick toot of the devil's dandruff, then straightens and confers with producer Phil.]

Justin: Uh, anyway, Phil. I think you're - you're really gonna get off on her raw energy, man, you know?

Phil Malone: Okay. Where is she?

Justin: Well, ah, let me check the hall.

[Justin goes to the hall door and opens it. Slumped in the doorway is a barely conscious, completely wasted Candy Slice, wearing a sleeveless pink top. She falls forward and Jerry catches her before she lands face first on the floor.]

Justin: Candy!

[Justin hauls her into the room and offers her limp hand to the producer.]

Justin: Candy, where have you been? We've been waiting for ya. Phil Malone, Candy Slice.

Phil Malone: Hi.

Justin: Say hello.

Phil Malone: [shakes hands, inspects her arm for needle marks] What's she taking?

Justin: She's clean, man. She just spent six months in the Bahamas, detox-ing.

Jerry Eldini: Candy, how'd you slip away, you bright little, elusive butterfly of love?

[Candy, zombie-like and propped up by Justin, fails to recognize Eldini.]

Jerry Eldini: Come on, Jerry Eldini, A & R, Polysutra Records? Last night? Polysutra's Powerful Punk Promotion Party? Huh?

[Candy responds with a belch.]

Jerry Eldini: Party-party! Party-party-party-party! Huh? Remember? Tavern on the Green? Tootski? Tootski, remember?

Phil Malone: Hey, you sure she's all right?

Justin: Yeaaaaaaah, she's fine. She's a pro. She'll get it in one take. Relax.

[Justin drags Candy to the microphone and tries to prop her up in front of it as Phil angrily confronts Eldini.]

Phil Malone: Eldini, I hold you personally responsible. You were in charge of her. It's obvious she's been partying all night long. Who knows what she's taken and-- Oh, God! [hand to head, in despair]

Jerry Eldini: [tries to be reasonable] Phil. Phil. Let me give you a little bit of input, okay?

Phil Malone: What?

[Eldini turns his back - offers more coke.]

Jerry Eldini: Go.

[Phil leans in, takes a toot, snaps back to attention and hurries into the control room. Justin joins Eldini.]

Justin: Jerry? Could I have a little bit of input ... ?

Jerry Eldini: Sure.

Justin: ... Uh, about the album cover.

[But Justin instead wants a little input from Eldini's stash. He puts an arm around Eldini's shoulder and leans in for a snort. Meanwhile, Candy, left alone at the microphone, slowly collapses to the floor, taking the mike down with her.]

Jerry Eldini: [reassuring Justin] The album is a monster. It's guaranteed platinum. It's monster-monster. I mean it. No problem.

Phil Malone: [over intercom] Okay, uh, we're ready to go, uh--

Justin: Yeah, she's ready! [hauls Candy off the floor]

Phil Malone: Where is she?

Justin: She's ready. She's ready. She's here.

Candy Slice: [nearly incomprehensible] Wait a minute. Wait a minute. [Candy approaches the two nearby backup singers, one of whom has been mindlessly using a hair brush on her shiny locks] Hey! Can I have your brush?

Backup Singer #2: Sure.

[Backup singer hands over the brush. The singers watch as Candy uses it to brush her hair and then one of her hairy armpits.]

Backup Singer #1: Listen, uh, Candy. I'm sure you hear this all the time, you know, uh, but - you're my idol. I mean, when I heard your album "Making the Pig Sick," I stopped brushing my hair. You're incredible, really.

Candy Slice: [points to the singer's nose] Yer getting a zit! [offers the brush back] Here.

Backup Singer #2: Uh, no, you can keep it.

[Candy staggers back to Justin at the microphone.]

Justin: Candy, you ready?

Candy Slice: Smoke! Smoke!

Justin: Oh. Give it up.

Phil Malone: Okay, are we all together now? Come on, let's do a rundown.

Justin: [to Candy, as he backs away, taking the hair brush with him] Okay?

Phil Malone: Okay. "If You Look Close." Take one. Come on.

Keyboardist: [counts in the band] Okay. One, two, three, let's go!

[The band crashes in with a thrashing punk rhythm but Candy just stands there, wobbling at the mike, and misses her cue. Justin waves off the band who stop playing and confers with Candy.]

Justin: All right, all right, all right. What is it, love? What do you want?

Candy Slice: Booze!

[Justin brings her a bottle a booze and chats with her as she drinks. Most of the liquor does not stay in her mouth but spills on the floor.]

Justin: Hey, you know, uh, Mick, Keith and Woody were thinking of dropping by later--

Phil Malone: [emerges from control room, upset, to Candy] Look! I got an album to do here! Do you understand? [calms down, tries down to reason with her] Now, Candy, Candy--

[Candy spits a mouthful of liquor in Phil's face.]

Candy Slice: Sorry.

[Phil relieves Candy of the bottle. She sloppily and repeatedly kisses Phil on the face.]

Phil Malone: Candy? Candy? Is - is there anything that you need, Candy? I mean, are you happy, Candy? I mean, I want you to be happy, you know? We all want you to be happy. Right? Doesn't everybody want her to be happy?

Various: Yeah! We want her to be happy. We all do.

Phil Malone: So, are you ready to sing now, Candy?

Candy Slice: Gum!

Phil Malone: Gum! She wants a stick of gum! Okay.

[Fed up, Justin removes a wad of gum from his own mouth and sticks it in Candy's.]

Phil Malone: Good. Okay. Good. All right. Ready, everybody?

Justin: Yeah, yeah.

Phil Malone: [rushes into control room] Okay, all right. All right. [over intercom] "If You Look Close." Take two.

Keyboardist: [counts in the band] One, two, three, let's go!

[Band plays. Candy staggers away from the mike and collapses against Justin, whispering in his ear. Band stops playing.]

Justin: [placating Candy] I'll take care of it. I'll take care of it. Don't worry. Don't worry. I'll take care of it.

Phil Malone: [emerges from control room] Now what?

Justin: [points to the hair-brushing backup singer] She wants her to cut her hair.

Phil Malone: What?

Justin: It's shiny. It distracts her.

Phil Malone: Fine. Fine. All right, okay. [grabs scissors] Hair cut! The hair gets cut! Okay? There we go! Cut the hair. [lops off some hair, hands it to the backup singer] Here. That's for you, honey. All right, wow. [exits into control room]

Backup Singer #1: [stares at Singer #2's new haircut] I liked it a lot better before.

Backup Singer #2: [to Singer #1] Does it really look bad?

Backup Singer #1: [to Singer #2] It's not good but I guess it'll grow out in 'bout a year or two.

Jerry Eldini: [sympathetic, to Singer #2] Relax. I know a dynamite hair cutter. How 'bout a little tootski?

Backup Singer #2: [delighted] Tootski!

Jerry Eldini: [back to camera] All right. Go! [Singer #2 leans in for a toot] Okay. Go! [Singer #1 leans in for a toot]

[Justin lifts Candy in the air and carries her back to the microphone, puts her hands on the mike stand, steadies her, then retreats to the control room.]

Phil Malone: [over intercom] Okay, uh, let's try it again. "If You Look Close." Take three. Let's go.

Keyboardist: [counts in the band] One, two, three, let's go!

[Band plays. Candy abruptly hits her cue and sings with energy and passion.]

Candy Slice: [sings]
I'm sexless - I sing loud
Know that always gets a crowd
I talk dirty - and I'm proud
No dry cleanin' is allowed
I am funky - I don't bathe
I am rock and roll's new slave
I am punky - to the grave
I can't sing but I can raaaaaaaaave

Watch my blouse!

I got the rhythm
High heeled feet
Pants to go with 'em


Candy and Backup Singers:
I am hot
Don't need no bra
Got what it takes
To make a starrrr!


[Candy dances jerkily and robotically as the band grooves behind her.]

Keyboardist: One, two, three, four!

[The music cools down for a moment and Candy staggers back to the mike.]

Candy Slice: [sings]
If you look close
You can see my tips
'Cause I want ya to
But don't want ya to know that I do!


[Candy hops around the studio frantically.]

Backup Singers: [sing]
If you look close - you can see my tits,
'Cause i want you to, but don't want you to know I do
If you look close - you can see my tits,
'Cause I want you to, but don't want you to know that I dooooooo


Candy Slice: [sings]
I am bitter - I don't care
I have never washed my hair
I'm immoral - and a pig
[snort]

Candy and Backup Singers:
And I'm makin' it real biiiig!


Candy Slice: [sings]
Do you know what I mean?
Do you know what I mean?
Do you know what I-- ?
Do you know what I-- ?
Do you know-- ?
Do you know-- ?
Do you know-- ?
Do ya - Do ya - Do ya - Do ya - Do ya - Do ya - Do ya -
Do - Do - Do - Do - Do - Do - Do - Do - Do - Do - Do - Do
Doody - Doody - Doody - Doody - Doody - Doody - Doody
Do - Do - Do - Do - Do - Do - Do - Do - Do - Do - Do - Do

Uhhhhh....!

[Candy collapses to the floor as the band finishes up and the crowd cheers and applauds. Phil, Justin and Eldini emerge from the control room happily and congratulate the band and backup singers over Candy's unconscious, prostrate body as we hear a playback of Candy's song.]

Jerry Eldini: [holds up some coke] Tootski! Who wants one?

[Dissolve to a wider view of the set, the cameras and the Studio 8H audience - then pull back. Before fading out, we see a SUPER: coming up next... Charlie's Angel Dust]


Submitted Anonymously


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