78h: Eric Idle / Kate Bush
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
... Jane Curtin
... Bill Murray
Valerie Harper ... Gilda Radner
Chico Escuela ... Garrett Morris
Father Guido Sarducci ... Don Novello
Jane Curtin: [seated at WU desk in front of
photo of bikini babes washing an automobile]
Auto-eroticism for horny cars ... This story and more
on Weekend Update next.
[AFTER COMMERCIAL BREAK:]
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update with the
Weekend Update news team. Brought to you by
Reincarnation -- The Evaporated Milk from Dead Cows!
... Here are Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening. I'm Jane Curtin.
Here now the news. Our top story tonight:
In an interview last week, Ronald Reagan proudly
pointed out that, over the years, the Reverend Jim
Jones had supported a number of political figures from
the Democratic party but never any from the
Republican. Well, Weekend Update has looked into the
past histories of some recent mass murderers and found
some surprising information. Richard Speck, who killed
eight nurses, was a Republican precinct chairman in
Chicago ... and was once vice-president of Wisconsin's
Republican Ripon Society. Juan Corona, the California
machete killer, was a speechwriter for Barry Goldwater
... and David Berkowitz, the Son of Sam slayer, was,
and still is, a Youth for Nixon. Bill? ...
Bill Murray: San Francisco residents have been
shaken in recent weeks and, as a result of the
increasingly gloomy climate of the city, singer Tony
Bennett today had his heart picked up and moved to a
safer place. ...
Well, to make room for new mid-season TV programs,
dozens of shows have gotten the axe this week and one
of them, I'm sorry to say, is "Rhoda." Which brings us
to this week's Celebrity Corner because my guest
tonight is the star of "Rhoda," Valerie Harper. [Bill
turns to smiling, gum-chewing Valerie Harper (dressed
as her character Rhoda Morgenstern) who appears on the
Chroma-Key screen behind him] Hi, Val!
Valerie Harper: Hi, Bill!
Bill Murray: Welcome to Celebrity
Valerie Harper: Hi, Bill!
Bill Murray: Kitten, let's get to the ugly
stuff, first. Your cancellation. How do you feel about
Valerie Harper: [thick New York accent] Oh, I'm
fine. Listen, I had my shot. I got my break on the old
"Mary Tyler Moore Show," they gave me my own show
which ran for five and a half years, and now I'm off.
Bill Murray: That's all well and good, honey,
but how do you really feel about it?
Valerie Harper: [in denial] I don't wanna tawk
Bill Murray: Valerie!
Valerie Harper: I really don't wanna tawk about
Bill Murray: Valerie-a!
Valerie Harper: I'm ticked off!
Bill Murray: You're ticked off. Okay, now
that's the old adorable Rhoda that I love so much.
Now, why do you think you were canceled?
Valerie Harper: You know why they canceled me,
Bill? You really wanna know why? Anti-Semitism. ...
CBS hates Jews. That's why I was canceled.
Bill Murray: [amused] Val, you are so
wrong. CBS does not hate Jews. I happen to know
that Bill Paley, the chairman of CBS, is Jewish. And,
furthermore, you're not Jewish.
Valerie Harper: [long pause] ... I'm not?!
Bill Murray: No. Rhoda Morgenstern is, but
Valerie Harper is not. ...
Valerie Harper: I'm dyin' ... Are you sure I'm
not Jewish? ...
Bill Murray: [sighs] I'm sure I'm sure.
Valerie Harper: I'm a shiksa? ... A bland,
humorless, "makes a lousy mother because she cares
more about whiskey and spam than she does her own
children" shiksa? ...
Bill Murray: Well, yes, I'm afraid so.
Valerie Harper: Then why do I tawk like this?
Bill Murray: It beats me, Valerie. Thanks for
being with us on Celebrity Corner. [Valerie Harper
disappears as Bill turns back to the camera] Valerie
Harper, a very confused star of "Rhoda." [applause]
Jane Curtin: This just in: The U.S. Post Office
has issued a special Christmas season reminder for
members of Synanon. To avoid the Christmas rush, get
your snakes in the mail early. ...
Well, it looks like we're going to set the clocks back
again tonight for something the people in Washington
are calling "Christmas Savings Time." Tonight at
midnight, we all set back the clock seven hours,
making it five o'clock, then those stores that stay
open till nine will re-open, making Christmas shopping
a snap. ...
Now, we'd like to welcome a new member to our Update
team, the former All-Star second baseman for the New
York Mets, Chico Escuela. Welcome, Chico. [Chico
clears his throat, photo of smiling Chico Escuela in
baseball uniform and holding a bat] Chico will be
covering the sports scene for Weekend Update.
[applause for Chico, a Dominican ballplayer who sits
opposite Jane - he has a thick Dominican accent and
speaks very little English]
Chico Escuela: Thank you. Thank you, berry,
berry much. ... Base-ball ... been berry, berry good
to me. ... Thank you, Hane. ... [Photo of major league
ballplayer Pete Rose] Pete-ee Rose ... Base-ball been
berry, berry good to Pete Rose. ... Three - point -
two - million - dollar para Pete Rose. Charlie Hustle,
you bet. ... Thank you very, very much. [National
Football League schedule is shown] In - foot-ball ...
I don't know - football. ... In Dominican Republic,
foot-ball is -- how you say, Hane? Um - Oh! -- soccer!
Your football-- [pause] I don't know. ... [Hockey
graphic] In National Hockey League ... [shakes his
head] I don't know hockey ... [applause, photo of
smiling Chico again] In base-ball-- Base-ball been
berry, berry good to me! ... Thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you very much. [applause] Hane? Thank
Jane Curtin: [genuinely enthusiastic] Great
job, Chico. I'm glad that we haven't hired just
another stupid ex-jock sportscaster. ...
Menachem Begin, in Oslo to pick up his half of the
Nobel Peace Prize tomorrow, says that he'll give the
prize money -- his share of the one hundred thirty
thousand dollars -- to the state of Israel. Anwar
Sadat says he'll use the money to build a monument to
peace near Cairo. Sadat says the monument will be
called "The $65,000 Pyramid." ... Bill?
Bill Murray: Retired Army General William C.
Westmoreland stated this week that the advances made
in medicine as a result of the Vietnam War have saved
more lives than those lost in that conflict.
Accordingly, the Pentagon has recommended that the
United States immediately begin World War III in the
hope of wiping out all disease. ... Jane?
Jane Curtin: Earlier this October, Congress
extended the period for ratification of the Equal
Rights Amendment. Yet, since then not one additional
state legislature has ratified this most basic
affirmation of human rights. It is time we women took
action. As a spokesperson for Weekend Update, I am
therefore calling on the women of America to place a
moratorium on the act of performing oral sex on any
male ... until the ERA is the law. ... Now, this may
seem a little harsh [scattered applause] but I feel it
is the only alternative that we have. ... I don't
Bill Murray: [unhappy and increasingly nervous]
Wait - just a minute, here. ... [applause] Jane, I am
for ERA as much as you or anybody else but I don't see
why I should suffer ... as a result-- because
some state legislators in Illinois refuse to back it!
I mean, their wives are probably anti-ERA anyway. I
mean, wh- what difference is it gonna make?
Jane Curtin: We-e-ell, Bill, maybe this method
will make men like you put a little pressure on these
Bill Murray: [desperate] Well, Jane, some
people react negatively to too much pressure. This
could hurt ERA. ... We'd hate to hurt ERA now.
Jane Curtin: [amused] I doubt it, Bill. I think
you're just reacting out of self-interest. ...
Bill Murray: [taking a different approach]
Well, okay, Jane. But remember that oral sex is a
sword that cuts both ways. No oral sex -- you know
what I'm saying? [Jane suddenly looks worried] ... I'm
talking about a moratorium on guys performing oral sex
Jane Curtin: [instant conversion] Uh, maybe
you're right, Bill, uh-- ... Forget what I said.
Bill Murray: [smugly] Okay. That's better,
Jane. ... [extended applause as Bill winks at Jane
and, very pleased with himself, the audience, too - he
throws himself into the next news item with great
gusto, to the amusement of the crowd]
Hordes of rats overtook a bus in downtown
Albany yesterday ... and demanded to be taken to the
city zoo, fed, washed, and presented with little
woolen jackets like dogs wear. ... Fortunately, many
of the passengers on the bus had just been to a cheese
fair and were able to placate the rats with hors
d'oeuvres and light conversation. ...
Well, it's been almost a year that Mayor Koch has had
a chance to fulfill his promise to clean up New York.
The center of the problem is, of course, Forty-Second
Street. Some New Yorkers think that the area hasn't
gotten any worse but many feel that it has. We decided
to investigate the scene firsthand and, in order to
maintain an objective viewpoint, we sent our friend,
the gossip columnist for L'Osservatore Romano, Father
Guido Sarducci, to take a look. Father Sarducci?
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to the gentle,
mustachioed, cigarette smoking, Italian-accented
Father Guido Sarducci.]
Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you, Bill. Thank
you. Well, I must say that I think the Forty-Second
Street area has definitely gotten worse. I was there
for the first time 'bout five years ago and I went
back again and it's worse than it was before, that's-a
for sure. I went to this one place, new place down
there. It's-a called "Nude Wrestling." ... I thought,
you know, at first, maybe it was just like a front for
a massage parlor. But no, it was what it-a says
it is, nude wrestling. And there was this girl in
there, you know, and she was real nice-a to me, you
know, real pretty girl, and she says, what it is is,
it cost twenty dollars and you get to wrestle for one
half hour, thirty minutes.
Well, personally, y'know, I never like to fight much.
Got in-a one fight my whole life, you know, was in-a
the seminary. This is true -- Father Chingotti is his
name -- I name him by name. ... He pulled my T-shirt
down and everything, you know what I mean? Who needs
it? ... But this was-a different, you know, and, uh, I
haven't got any exercise all the time I'm livin' in
New York, you know? So I says, you know--
She says, Well, all you gotta do, go behind the
curtain -- they have like four little rooms -- says,
you take off your clothes and come out fightin' when
you hear the bell ring. ... Well, I go in there. I'm
waitin', you know, it's-a five minutes. Ten minutes.
Fifteen minutes, you know, I'm cold. ... I - I
thought, you know, maybe she was like doin' some
calisthenics, y'know, gettin' loosened up, somethin'
like that. ... That wasn't the case. You know what
they do there at that nude wrestling place? They make
you wait till another customer comes in ... That guy,
you know, he was as shocked as me, you know, when--
... when we come out of-a there, you know what I mean?
Should-a seen the look on his face, I'm tellin' you.
... Anyway-- I won two out of three, though. ... Hey,
I mean, twenty dollars investment -- you just can't
waste it, right? ...
I must say, though, they do have some good souvenirs
in the Forty-Second Street district. I bought this
thing here. [holds up what looks like a large,
plastic, red apple] It's like a lighter, "Big Apple"
they call it. And when you pull it, [pulls the stem
out of the apple to reveal a flaming cigarette
lighter] lights up for cigarettes like, you know? Cost
twelve dollars. And I priced them in other areas. Was
twelve twenty-five in another store. And in
another store, was-a twelve thirty-five. So,
Forty-Second Street area is-a good for some things.
Maybe it's not good for other things. And my advice is
that you have to use your own judgment. ... It
was more than wonderful talkin'-a to you. Arrivederci,
America! Gracias. [applause]
[Under the applause, Bill thanks Father Sarducci and
winks to Jane.]
Jane Curtin: That's the news. Good night and
have a pleasant tomorrow.