Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 8








78h: Eric Idle / Kate Bush

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

... Jane Curtin
... Bill Murray
Valerie Harper ... Gilda Radner
Chico Escuela ... Garrett Morris
Father Guido Sarducci ... Don Novello

[TEASER:]

Jane Curtin: [seated at WU desk in front of photo of bikini babes washing an automobile] Auto-eroticism for horny cars ... This story and more on Weekend Update next.

[AFTER COMMERCIAL BREAK:]

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update with the Weekend Update news team. Brought to you by Reincarnation -- The Evaporated Milk from Dead Cows! ... Here are Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening. I'm Jane Curtin. Here now the news. Our top story tonight:

In an interview last week, Ronald Reagan proudly pointed out that, over the years, the Reverend Jim Jones had supported a number of political figures from the Democratic party but never any from the Republican. Well, Weekend Update has looked into the past histories of some recent mass murderers and found some surprising information. Richard Speck, who killed eight nurses, was a Republican precinct chairman in Chicago ... and was once vice-president of Wisconsin's Republican Ripon Society. Juan Corona, the California machete killer, was a speechwriter for Barry Goldwater ... and David Berkowitz, the Son of Sam slayer, was, and still is, a Youth for Nixon. Bill? ...

Bill Murray: San Francisco residents have been shaken in recent weeks and, as a result of the increasingly gloomy climate of the city, singer Tony Bennett today had his heart picked up and moved to a safer place. ...

Well, to make room for new mid-season TV programs, dozens of shows have gotten the axe this week and one of them, I'm sorry to say, is "Rhoda." Which brings us to this week's Celebrity Corner because my guest tonight is the star of "Rhoda," Valerie Harper. [Bill turns to smiling, gum-chewing Valerie Harper (dressed as her character Rhoda Morgenstern) who appears on the Chroma-Key screen behind him] Hi, Val!

Valerie Harper: Hi, Bill!

Bill Murray: Welcome to Celebrity Corner.

Valerie Harper: Hi, Bill!

Bill Murray: Kitten, let's get to the ugly stuff, first. Your cancellation. How do you feel about it, Val?

Valerie Harper: [thick New York accent] Oh, I'm fine. Listen, I had my shot. I got my break on the old "Mary Tyler Moore Show," they gave me my own show which ran for five and a half years, and now I'm off. That's life.

Bill Murray: That's all well and good, honey, but how do you really feel about it?

Valerie Harper: [in denial] I don't wanna tawk about it.

Bill Murray: Valerie!

Valerie Harper: I really don't wanna tawk about it.

Bill Murray: Valerie-a!

Valerie Harper: I'm ticked off!

Bill Murray: You're ticked off. Okay, now that's the old adorable Rhoda that I love so much. Now, why do you think you were canceled?

Valerie Harper: You know why they canceled me, Bill? You really wanna know why? Anti-Semitism. ... CBS hates Jews. That's why I was canceled.

Bill Murray: [amused] Val, you are so wrong. CBS does not hate Jews. I happen to know that Bill Paley, the chairman of CBS, is Jewish. And, furthermore, you're not Jewish.

Valerie Harper: [long pause] ... I'm not?! ...

Bill Murray: No. Rhoda Morgenstern is, but Valerie Harper is not. ...

Valerie Harper: I'm dyin' ... Are you sure I'm not Jewish? ...

Bill Murray: [sighs] I'm sure I'm sure.

Valerie Harper: I'm a shiksa? ... A bland, humorless, "makes a lousy mother because she cares more about whiskey and spam than she does her own children" shiksa? ...

Bill Murray: Well, yes, I'm afraid so.

Valerie Harper: Then why do I tawk like this? ...

Bill Murray: It beats me, Valerie. Thanks for being with us on Celebrity Corner. [Valerie Harper disappears as Bill turns back to the camera] Valerie Harper, a very confused star of "Rhoda." [applause] Jane?

Jane Curtin: This just in: The U.S. Post Office has issued a special Christmas season reminder for members of Synanon. To avoid the Christmas rush, get your snakes in the mail early. ...

Well, it looks like we're going to set the clocks back again tonight for something the people in Washington are calling "Christmas Savings Time." Tonight at midnight, we all set back the clock seven hours, making it five o'clock, then those stores that stay open till nine will re-open, making Christmas shopping a snap. ...

Now, we'd like to welcome a new member to our Update team, the former All-Star second baseman for the New York Mets, Chico Escuela. Welcome, Chico. [Chico clears his throat, photo of smiling Chico Escuela in baseball uniform and holding a bat] Chico will be covering the sports scene for Weekend Update. [applause for Chico, a Dominican ballplayer who sits opposite Jane - he has a thick Dominican accent and speaks very little English]

Chico Escuela: Thank you. Thank you, berry, berry much. ... Base-ball ... been berry, berry good to me. ... Thank you, Hane. ... [Photo of major league ballplayer Pete Rose] Pete-ee Rose ... Base-ball been berry, berry good to Pete Rose. ... Three - point - two - million - dollar para Pete Rose. Charlie Hustle, you bet. ... Thank you very, very much. [National Football League schedule is shown] In - foot-ball ... I don't know - football. ... In Dominican Republic, foot-ball is -- how you say, Hane? Um - Oh! -- soccer! Your football-- [pause] I don't know. ... [Hockey graphic] In National Hockey League ... [shakes his head] I don't know hockey ... [applause, photo of smiling Chico again] In base-ball-- Base-ball been berry, berry good to me! ... Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much. [applause] Hane? Thank you, Hane.

Jane Curtin: [genuinely enthusiastic] Great job, Chico. I'm glad that we haven't hired just another stupid ex-jock sportscaster. ...

Menachem Begin, in Oslo to pick up his half of the Nobel Peace Prize tomorrow, says that he'll give the prize money -- his share of the one hundred thirty thousand dollars -- to the state of Israel. Anwar Sadat says he'll use the money to build a monument to peace near Cairo. Sadat says the monument will be called "The $65,000 Pyramid." ... Bill?

Bill Murray: Retired Army General William C. Westmoreland stated this week that the advances made in medicine as a result of the Vietnam War have saved more lives than those lost in that conflict. Accordingly, the Pentagon has recommended that the United States immediately begin World War III in the hope of wiping out all disease. ... Jane?

Jane Curtin: Earlier this October, Congress extended the period for ratification of the Equal Rights Amendment. Yet, since then not one additional state legislature has ratified this most basic affirmation of human rights. It is time we women took action. As a spokesperson for Weekend Update, I am therefore calling on the women of America to place a moratorium on the act of performing oral sex on any male ... until the ERA is the law. ... Now, this may seem a little harsh [scattered applause] but I feel it is the only alternative that we have. ... I don't know--

Bill Murray: [unhappy and increasingly nervous] Wait - just a minute, here. ... [applause] Jane, I am for ERA as much as you or anybody else but I don't see why I should suffer ... as a result-- because some state legislators in Illinois refuse to back it! I mean, their wives are probably anti-ERA anyway. I mean, wh- what difference is it gonna make?

Jane Curtin: We-e-ell, Bill, maybe this method will make men like you put a little pressure on these state legislators.

Bill Murray: [desperate] Well, Jane, some people react negatively to too much pressure. This could hurt ERA. ... We'd hate to hurt ERA now.

Jane Curtin: [amused] I doubt it, Bill. I think you're just reacting out of self-interest. ...

Bill Murray: [taking a different approach] Well, okay, Jane. But remember that oral sex is a sword that cuts both ways. No oral sex -- you know what I'm saying? [Jane suddenly looks worried] ... I'm talking about a moratorium on guys performing oral sex on girls.

Jane Curtin: [instant conversion] Uh, maybe you're right, Bill, uh-- ... Forget what I said. ...

Bill Murray: [smugly] Okay. That's better, Jane. ... [extended applause as Bill winks at Jane and, very pleased with himself, the audience, too - he throws himself into the next news item with great gusto, to the amusement of the crowd]

Hordes of rats overtook a bus in downtown Albany yesterday ... and demanded to be taken to the city zoo, fed, washed, and presented with little woolen jackets like dogs wear. ... Fortunately, many of the passengers on the bus had just been to a cheese fair and were able to placate the rats with hors d'oeuvres and light conversation. ...

Well, it's been almost a year that Mayor Koch has had a chance to fulfill his promise to clean up New York. The center of the problem is, of course, Forty-Second Street. Some New Yorkers think that the area hasn't gotten any worse but many feel that it has. We decided to investigate the scene firsthand and, in order to maintain an objective viewpoint, we sent our friend, the gossip columnist for L'Osservatore Romano, Father Guido Sarducci, to take a look. Father Sarducci?

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to the gentle, mustachioed, cigarette smoking, Italian-accented Father Guido Sarducci.]

Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you, Bill. Thank you. Well, I must say that I think the Forty-Second Street area has definitely gotten worse. I was there for the first time 'bout five years ago and I went back again and it's worse than it was before, that's-a for sure. I went to this one place, new place down there. It's-a called "Nude Wrestling." ... I thought, you know, at first, maybe it was just like a front for a massage parlor. But no, it was what it-a says it is, nude wrestling. And there was this girl in there, you know, and she was real nice-a to me, you know, real pretty girl, and she says, what it is is, it cost twenty dollars and you get to wrestle for one half hour, thirty minutes.

Well, personally, y'know, I never like to fight much. Got in-a one fight my whole life, you know, was in-a the seminary. This is true -- Father Chingotti is his name -- I name him by name. ... He pulled my T-shirt down and everything, you know what I mean? Who needs it? ... But this was-a different, you know, and, uh, I haven't got any exercise all the time I'm livin' in New York, you know? So I says, you know--

She says, Well, all you gotta do, go behind the curtain -- they have like four little rooms -- says, you take off your clothes and come out fightin' when you hear the bell ring. ... Well, I go in there. I'm waitin', you know, it's-a five minutes. Ten minutes. Fifteen minutes, you know, I'm cold. ... I - I thought, you know, maybe she was like doin' some calisthenics, y'know, gettin' loosened up, somethin' like that. ... That wasn't the case. You know what they do there at that nude wrestling place? They make you wait till another customer comes in ... That guy, you know, he was as shocked as me, you know, when-- ... when we come out of-a there, you know what I mean? Should-a seen the look on his face, I'm tellin' you. ... Anyway-- I won two out of three, though. ... Hey, I mean, twenty dollars investment -- you just can't waste it, right? ...

I must say, though, they do have some good souvenirs in the Forty-Second Street district. I bought this thing here. [holds up what looks like a large, plastic, red apple] It's like a lighter, "Big Apple" they call it. And when you pull it, [pulls the stem out of the apple to reveal a flaming cigarette lighter] lights up for cigarettes like, you know? Cost twelve dollars. And I priced them in other areas. Was twelve twenty-five in another store. And in another store, was-a twelve thirty-five. So, Forty-Second Street area is-a good for some things. Maybe it's not good for other things. And my advice is that you have to use your own judgment. ... It was more than wonderful talkin'-a to you. Arrivederci, America! Gracias. [applause]

[Under the applause, Bill thanks Father Sarducci and winks to Jane.]

Jane Curtin: That's the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.


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