Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 8

78h: Eric Idle / Kate Bush

What Do You?

Host ... Eric Idle
Lord Lupus ... Tom Schiller
Deaconess of Detroit ... Gilda Radner

[SIGN reads WHAT DO YOU -- the word "DO" has a bull's-eye painted in the letter O. As innocuous game show music plays, we pull back and pan down to reveal a game show set with a host and two cheerful contestants. The fast-talking host, in a garish plaid suit, addresses the camera, his lengthy spiel punctuated by appropriate sound effects.]

Host: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another edition of "What Do You [cuckoo]?" -- a new game show loosely based on all the old game shows. The rules are very simple. Each week, we shall ask a team of two personalities -- Lord Lupus ...

Lord Lupus: Hello.

Host: ... and the Deaconess of Detroit ...

Deaconess: Hello.

Host: ... a series of questions in either [bell] category, [buzzer] category, or special category [gunshot]. If they get it right, they get a [horn, shave-and-a-haircut]. And if they get the wrong answer, they get a [raspberry] from the studio audience.

At the end of the contest, they will hear this -- [prizefight bell] -- and they must stop immediately. At any point in the proceedings they may be given a [deep buzzer] which means they can ask for another question. Or if they hear a [alarm bell] -- it's the fire alarm.

When they want to interrupt a [multiple bells] question or a [buzzer] question but not a [gunshot] question, they must press their special buttons. Lord Lupus, will you press yours?

[Lord Lupus presses his button and we hear Goofy Tune #1]

And, Deaconess, yours.

[The Deaconess presses her button and we hear Goofy Tune #2]

If they get it right, they get fifteen points on the scoreboards here, four letters on the blackboard for each correct part, and a shot from our Mystery Gunner.

[As we hear the sound of an arrow flying through the air and making a springboard sound, the host watches an actual arrow fired into the bull's-eye of the game's sign overhead. Close shot of the arrow sticking out of the sign.]

Like so. In the event of a tie, I shall start the clock. [starts the clock which ticks loudly] Like so. [stops clock] And there will be a choice of either a [horn, shave-and-a-haircut] or a [raspberry] for the first of either the [Goofy Tune #1] contestant or the [Goofy Tune #2] contestant who can make the Golden Word "Birmingham" from his four letters.

And he will get a [crowd cheer] -- which means that he's this week's winner.

Right. Well, those, very simply, are the rules. We'll be back again same time next week. Till then, good-bye from Lord Lupus.

Lord Lupus: Goodbye!

Host: And from the Deaconess of Detroit.

Deaconess: Goodbye!

Host: And, from me, it's [cymbal crash plus Goofy Tune #3 with slide whistle as the host is shot in the belly with an arrow and falls backward in his chair, dead].

[Zoom in on the show's sign, then dissolve to a wider shot of the set, cameras, applauding audience, etc. SUPER: did you know .... The Computer Invented Itself]

Submitted Anonymously

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