Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 9










78i: Elliot Gould / Peter Tosh

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

... Jane Curtin
... Bill Murray
... Laraine Newman
Steve Rubell ... John Belushi
... Dan Aykroyd
Roseanne Roseannadanna ... Gilda Radner

[TEASER:]

Jane Curtin: [sits at WU desk in front of a photo of President Carter with his arm tightly wrapped around a woman, his hand near her breast] Jimmy Carter puts out a feeler in Connecticut. This story and more coming up on Weekend Update.

[AFTER COMMERCIAL BREAK:]

Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with the Weekend Update news team. Here are Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening. I'm Jane Curtin. Here now the news. Our top story tonight:

[Photo of refugees] The first truckload of refugees from Cleveland arrived in New York this morning.

Meanwhile, the city of Cleveland, which defaulted at midnight last night, has changed its name and moved to Arizona to get a fresh start.


Bill Murray:
[Photo of a praying mob of people on hands and knees with heads touching the ground] During the present crisis in Iran, the Shah has promised to ease up on human rights violations. But yesterday in Tehran, Iran's military police forced thousands of Moslems to comb the streets for the Shah's contact lens.

Well, Weekend Update has learned that the establishment of diplomatic relations with Red China is a direct result of yesterday's federal drug bust at the New York disco Studio 54. The goal is an exchange of celebrities between the United States and China which will then change its name to the Beautiful People's Republic.


And now, following up on the Studio 54 story is Weekend Update correspondent Laraine Newman, outside Studio 54. Laraine?

[Cut to Laraine holding a microphone in front of an entrance marked STAGE DOOR.]

Laraine Newman: Thank you, Bill. In the wee hours last Thursday morning, IRS agents raided this glamorous playground for the elite to confiscate the club's financial records. And, in the process, they discovered two ounces of cocaine. The scandal has given credence to the rumor that the illicit narcotic, known in drug circles as coke, disco dust and Peruvian marching powder, has been commonplace here at Studio 54. Standing next to me is Steve Rubell ... [camera now includes Rubell whose upper lip is thick with white powder] ... co-owner of the club. Steve, what was your reaction when you learned cocaine had been found here?

Steve Rubell: I was shocked!

Laraine Newman: You mean, that, uh, you've never seen cocaine here before?

Steve Rubell: Listen, Studio 54 is a place where beautiful people can dance and have fun. I can't be searching everybody who comes in here. Apparently, this was going on right under my nose. [Cheers and applause.]

Laraine Newman: And, apparently, it still is. [signing off] Laraine Newman, outside Studio 54. [puts an arm around Rubell] Listen, Steve, uh, this doesn't change anything -- my name will still be at the gate, right?

Steve Rubell: [eating a powdered doughnut] Yeah. You'll be-- You can get in anytime you want.

Laraine Newman: Great.

[Cut to Jane at the Update desk with photo of Cyrus Vance.]

Jane Curtin: President Carter summoned Secretary of State Cyrus Vance to the White House early today and in a two hour meeting explained to Vance what a little dink he is. Vance later called the talks useful and productive. Bill?

Bill Murray: Give or take a few hours, today is the two hundred and eighth birthday of Ludwig Von Beethoven so I'd like to sing a little something to him. [sings to a well-known melody from Beethoven's Fifth Symphony] Happy birthday, Ludwig von B! [speaks] Get out of here, you old knockwurst-head.

[Graphic reading: "QUOTE OF THE YEAR"] Nominations for Update's Quote of the Year have piled up over the months and even though two weeks remain in the year, uh, the front-running quote looks hard to beat. Comes from the former member of Tony Orlando and Dawn, Tony Orlando himself. [Photo of Tony Orlando] It was on Bob Hope's seventy-fifth birthday special that Tony said, and I quote here, [slowly and solemnly] "If you could put all the laughs that Bob Hope has gotten, one after another, they would stretch all the way to the universe and fill up the black hole in space." Unquote. Jane?

Jane Curtin: [shaking her head in admiration] Great quote, Bill. An Update Christmas gift suggestion. If your list includes a small child who is dull, boring and unimaginative, the perfect present might be the child-sized Clark Kent suit, complete with horn-rimmed glasses and a little felt, snap-brim hat -- nineteen ninety-five at most children's shops.

Dan Aykroyd: Hello, I'm Dan Aykroyd, station manager for Weekend Update. Last night, President Carter announced that the United States and Red China have agreed to establish full diplomatic relations starting January 1st. That will be the topic of tonight's Point-Counterpoint with Jane taking the pro-relations point and I will take the anti-relations counterpoint.

Jane Curtin: Dan, only a reactionary ass such as yourself could oppose full diplomatic relations with China. As President Carter said, it is a simple recognition of reality. How can we ignore eight hundred million people? But, then again, I guess it's your habit to ignore reality. You're a paranoid schizophrenic, Dan, whose politics are obviously born out of some buried infantile trauma. You hide from reality, constructing a hostile world to justify your own incapacity for love and compassion. Go ahead, Dan, live in your dark, lonely world. The rest of us will extend our hands in friendship to eight hundred million human beings, saying, "Hi! You do exist. Let's be friends."

Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant slut. My personality profile is not at issue here, any more than is your inability to achieve orgasm. The issue is Taiwan. How can we expect to have the confidence of any free nation when we stab one of our most faithful allies in the back. I suppose you'd like to conduct our foreign policy the way you conduct your private life, hopping from bed to bed with anyone that can do you some good. Then what do you have? An old, dried-out scuzz that no decent man would be seen with. Is that what you want for America? It's too late for you, Jane, but our country still has some dignity left, you hosebag!

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Dan! According to the American Psychological Association, people are more depressed and prone to suicide during Christmas than any other time during the year. Here to comment further is correspondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey sent me this Christmas poem that says: [reads aloud from a greeting card]

"Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,

Well, the holiday season is finally here, Bringin' Santa and sleigh rides and lots of good cheer. Children are laughin', there's lights on the trees. Everyone's happy except for me. Folks goin' to parties, folks having fun. I wanna blow my brains out, get me a gun! Christmas is here and I should feel swell But I'm cryin' in my room and I feel like hell.

What should I do?"

Mr. Feder, you're in big trouble. You gotta get out o' New Jersey! But I know exactly what you're going through 'cause last Christmas, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, was so depressed I thought I was gonna die! So I decided to treat myself to a real special snappy time -- so I got all dressed up and went to this high class, fancy-shmancy, uptown restaurant called "Elaine's." It's one of those places where everybody who's anybody goes to eat Italian food! Between you and me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, I really like Elaine's 'cause you get to see a lot of real famous celebrities with a little bit of spaghetti sauce right here. [points to one side of her lip] And you know what? If they don't wipe that spaghetti sauce off right away, it gets all hard and dry and crusty -- you know, like a blotch?! And when they open their mouths, the blotch separates and then they close their mouths, the blotch goes back together again, then it opens, comes back, then it starts to flake off a little bit, and now a little bit more flakin' off and everything and then it's gone. Anyways, I'm sittin' there, lookin' at the menu when what comes out of the bathroom but Princess Lee Radziwill. You know, that classy lady that no one's really sure where she's the princess of? Well, she was dressed up like a doll in this slinky basic black dress and she's got real skinny arms with expensive jewelry hangin' off of 'em. But then I noticed that Princess Lee had a little teeny-tiny piece of toilet paper stickin' to the bottom of one of her Gucci shoes. She -- listen to this -- she was just walkin' around, up and down, with that little piece of toilet paper just trailin' behind her, wouldn't fall off! And the more she walked, the dirtier that toilet paper got. And things started stickin' to it. There was a fuzzball, a hair, gum, a bug. There was even some fettucini alfredo and a piece of Romaine lettuce! Well, let me tell you that I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, started to lose my appetite. And I yelled, "Hey! Princess Lee! Take that toilet paper off your shoe! What are you tryin' to do? Make me sick?"

Jane Curtin: [interrupts angrily] What are you tryin' to do? Are you trying to make me sick? Roseanne, get back to the point!

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane. It just goes to show ya! It's always somethin'! Either you're depressed at Christmas or you got toilet paper hangin' from your shoe! But, Jane, even though you yell at me and you say that I make you sick all the time and everything, I gotcha this nice little gift for Christmas. [gives Jane a wrapped Christmas present]

Audience: Awww.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: I got you a little fruitcake.

Jane Curtin: Roseanne, I - I'm embarrassed. I don't know what to say. I-- I - I don't know. Oh...

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Whyn't you just shut up and eat the cake? [Jane cautiously takes a piece of fruitcake and gives it a sniff] And, Mr. Feder, you pathetic person from New Jersey, I didn't forget about your problem. But, Mr. Feder, you gotta take the bad with the good. It's just like the holiday advice passed down to me by my grandmother ... [Jane pulls a long hair out of the fruitcake and looks disgusted] You can just throw that out -- it still tastes good. ... Just like the holiday advice passed down to me by my grandmother, Nana Roseannadanna. [As Roseanne rambles on, Jane eats some of the fruitcake] She used to say, "Life is just like a fruitcake. When you look at it, it's rich and sweet with honey and sugar and spice, tastes delicious, makes your mouth water and everything. But if you look at it real close, there's these weird little green things in it and all that and you don't know what it is! [Jane looks alarmed] Merry Christmas, Roseanne Roseannadanna." [eats some of the fruitcake]

Jane Curtin: That's the news. Good night and have a pleasant holiday.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: [to Jane, off the fruitcake] This is good!


Submitted Anonymously


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