78i: Elliot Gould / Peter Tosh
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
... Jane Curtin
... Bill Murray
... Laraine Newman
Steve Rubell ... John Belushi
... Dan Aykroyd
Roseanne Roseannadanna ... Gilda Radner
Jane Curtin: [sits at WU desk in front of a photo of
President Carter with his arm tightly wrapped around a
woman, his hand near her breast] Jimmy Carter puts out
a feeler in Connecticut. This story and more coming up
on Weekend Update.
[AFTER COMMERCIAL BREAK:]
Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with the Weekend
Update news team. Here are Bill Murray and Jane
Jane Curtin: Good evening. I'm Jane Curtin. Here now
the news. Our top story tonight:
[Photo of refugees] The first truckload of refugees
from Cleveland arrived in New York this morning.
Meanwhile, the city of Cleveland, which defaulted at
midnight last night, has changed its name and moved to
Arizona to get a fresh start.
[Photo of a praying mob of people on
hands and knees with heads touching the ground] During
the present crisis in Iran, the Shah has promised to
ease up on human rights violations. But yesterday in
Tehran, Iran's military police forced thousands of
Moslems to comb the streets for the Shah's contact
Well, Weekend Update has learned that the
establishment of diplomatic relations with Red China
is a direct result of yesterday's federal drug bust at
the New York disco Studio 54. The goal is an exchange
of celebrities between the United States and China
which will then change its name to the Beautiful
And now, following up on the Studio 54 story is
Weekend Update correspondent Laraine Newman, outside
Studio 54. Laraine?
[Cut to Laraine holding a microphone in front of an
entrance marked STAGE DOOR.]
Laraine Newman: Thank you, Bill. In the wee hours last
Thursday morning, IRS agents raided this glamorous
playground for the elite to confiscate the club's
financial records. And, in the process, they
discovered two ounces of cocaine. The scandal has
given credence to the rumor that the illicit narcotic,
known in drug circles as coke, disco dust and Peruvian
marching powder, has been commonplace here at Studio
54. Standing next to me is Steve Rubell ... [camera
now includes Rubell whose upper lip is thick with
white powder] ... co-owner of the club. Steve, what
was your reaction when you learned cocaine had been
Steve Rubell: I was shocked!
Laraine Newman: You mean, that, uh, you've never seen
cocaine here before?
Steve Rubell: Listen, Studio 54 is a place where
beautiful people can dance and have fun. I can't be
searching everybody who comes in here. Apparently,
this was going on right under my nose. [Cheers and
Laraine Newman: And, apparently, it still is. [signing
off] Laraine Newman, outside Studio 54. [puts an arm
around Rubell] Listen, Steve, uh, this doesn't change
anything -- my name will still be at the gate, right?
Steve Rubell: [eating a powdered doughnut] Yeah.
You'll be-- You can get in anytime you want.
Laraine Newman: Great.
[Cut to Jane at the Update desk with photo of Cyrus
Jane Curtin: President Carter summoned Secretary of
State Cyrus Vance to the White House early today and
in a two hour meeting explained to Vance what a little
dink he is. Vance later called the talks useful and
Bill Murray: Give or take a few hours, today is the
two hundred and eighth birthday of Ludwig Von
Beethoven so I'd like to sing a little something to
him. [sings to a well-known melody from Beethoven's
Fifth Symphony] Happy birthday, Ludwig von B! [speaks]
Get out of here, you old knockwurst-head.
[Graphic reading: "QUOTE OF THE YEAR"] Nominations for
Update's Quote of the Year have piled up over the
months and even though two weeks remain in the year,
uh, the front-running quote looks hard to beat. Comes
from the former member of Tony Orlando and Dawn, Tony
Orlando himself. [Photo of Tony Orlando] It was on Bob
Hope's seventy-fifth birthday special that Tony said,
and I quote here, [slowly and solemnly] "If you could
put all the laughs that Bob Hope has gotten, one after
another, they would stretch all the way to the
universe and fill up the black hole in space."
Jane Curtin: [shaking her head in admiration] Great
quote, Bill. An Update Christmas gift suggestion. If
your list includes a small child who is dull, boring
and unimaginative, the perfect present might be the
child-sized Clark Kent suit, complete with horn-rimmed
glasses and a little felt, snap-brim hat -- nineteen
ninety-five at most children's shops.
Dan Aykroyd: Hello, I'm Dan Aykroyd, station manager
for Weekend Update. Last night, President Carter
announced that the United States and Red China have
agreed to establish full diplomatic relations starting
January 1st. That will be the topic of tonight's
Point-Counterpoint with Jane taking the pro-relations
point and I will take the anti-relations counterpoint.
Jane Curtin: Dan, only a reactionary ass such as
yourself could oppose full diplomatic relations with
China. As President Carter said, it is a simple
recognition of reality. How can we ignore eight
hundred million people? But, then again, I guess it's
your habit to ignore reality. You're a paranoid
schizophrenic, Dan, whose politics are obviously born
out of some buried infantile trauma. You hide from
reality, constructing a hostile world to justify your
own incapacity for love and compassion. Go ahead, Dan,
live in your dark, lonely world. The rest of us will
extend our hands in friendship to eight hundred
million human beings, saying, "Hi! You do exist. Let's
Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant slut. My personality
profile is not at issue here, any more than is your
inability to achieve orgasm. The issue is Taiwan. How
can we expect to have the confidence of any free
nation when we stab one of our most faithful allies in
the back. I suppose you'd like to conduct our foreign
policy the way you conduct your private life, hopping
from bed to bed with anyone that can do you some good.
Then what do you have? An old, dried-out scuzz that no
decent man would be seen with. Is that what you want
for America? It's too late for you, Jane, but our
country still has some dignity left, you hosebag!
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Dan! According to the American
Psychological Association, people are more depressed
and prone to suicide during Christmas than any other
time during the year. Here to comment further is
correspondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane! A Mr.
Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey sent me this
Christmas poem that says: [reads aloud from a greeting
"Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,
Well, the holiday season is finally here,
Bringin' Santa and sleigh rides and lots of good cheer.
Children are laughin', there's lights on the trees.
Everyone's happy except for me.
Folks goin' to parties, folks having fun.
I wanna blow my brains out, get me a gun!
Christmas is here and I should feel swell
But I'm cryin' in my room and I feel like hell.
What should I do?"
Mr. Feder, you're in big trouble. You gotta get out o'
New Jersey! But I know exactly what you're going
through 'cause last Christmas, I, Roseanne
Roseannadanna, was so depressed I thought I was gonna
die! So I decided to treat myself to a real special
snappy time -- so I got all dressed up and went to
this high class, fancy-shmancy, uptown restaurant
called "Elaine's." It's one of those places where
everybody who's anybody goes to eat Italian food!
Between you and me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, I really
like Elaine's 'cause you get to see a lot of real
famous celebrities with a little bit of spaghetti
sauce right here. [points to one side of her lip] And
you know what? If they don't wipe that spaghetti sauce
off right away, it gets all hard and dry and crusty --
you know, like a blotch?! And when they open their
mouths, the blotch separates and then they close their
mouths, the blotch goes back together again, then it
opens, comes back, then it starts to flake off a
little bit, and now a little bit more flakin' off and
everything and then it's gone. Anyways, I'm sittin'
there, lookin' at the menu when what comes out of the
bathroom but Princess Lee Radziwill. You know, that
classy lady that no one's really sure where she's the
princess of? Well, she was dressed up like a doll in
this slinky basic black dress and she's got real
skinny arms with expensive jewelry hangin' off of 'em.
But then I noticed that Princess Lee had a little
teeny-tiny piece of toilet paper stickin' to the
bottom of one of her Gucci shoes. She -- listen to
this -- she was just walkin' around, up and down, with
that little piece of toilet paper just trailin' behind
her, wouldn't fall off! And the more she walked, the
dirtier that toilet paper got. And things started
stickin' to it. There was a fuzzball, a hair, gum, a
bug. There was even some fettucini alfredo and a piece
of Romaine lettuce! Well, let me tell you that I,
Roseanne Roseannadanna, started to lose my appetite.
And I yelled, "Hey! Princess Lee! Take that toilet
paper off your shoe! What are you tryin' to do? Make
Jane Curtin: [interrupts angrily] What are you tryin'
to do? Are you trying to make me sick? Roseanne, get
back to the point!
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane. It just goes to
show ya! It's always somethin'! Either you're
depressed at Christmas or you got toilet paper hangin'
from your shoe! But, Jane, even though you yell at me
and you say that I make you sick all the time and
everything, I gotcha this nice little gift for
Christmas. [gives Jane a wrapped Christmas present]
Roseanne Roseannadanna: I got you a little fruitcake.
Jane Curtin: Roseanne, I - I'm embarrassed. I don't
know what to say. I-- I - I don't know. Oh...
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Whyn't you just shut up and
eat the cake? [Jane cautiously takes a piece of
fruitcake and gives it a sniff] And, Mr. Feder, you
pathetic person from New Jersey, I didn't forget about
your problem. But, Mr. Feder, you gotta take the bad
with the good. It's just like the holiday advice
passed down to me by my grandmother ... [Jane pulls a
long hair out of the fruitcake and looks disgusted]
You can just throw that out -- it still tastes good.
... Just like the holiday advice passed down to me by
my grandmother, Nana Roseannadanna. [As Roseanne
rambles on, Jane eats some of the fruitcake] She used
to say, "Life is just like a fruitcake. When you look
at it, it's rich and sweet with honey and sugar and
spice, tastes delicious, makes your mouth water and
everything. But if you look at it real close, there's
these weird little green things in it and all that and
you don't know what it is! [Jane looks alarmed] Merry
Christmas, Roseanne Roseannadanna." [eats some of the
Jane Curtin: That's the news. Good night and have a
Roseanne Roseannadanna: [to Jane, off the fruitcake] This is good!