Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 12










78l: Rick Nelson / Judy Collins

Rock Against Yeast '79

Don Kirshner...Paul Shaffer
Jerry Eldini...Bill Murray
Olivia Newton-John...Laraine Newman
Bob Marley...Garrett Morris
...Rick Nelson
King One...Dan Aykroyd
King Two...John Belushi
Dolly Parton...Jane Curtin
Candy Slice...Gilda Radner

[Open on a backstage room filled with celebrities. Rock promoter Don Kirshner and Polysutra executive Jerry Eldini are conversing in front of an hors d'oeuvres table]

Don Kirshner: ...terrific, terrific thing. And, and really, I gotta say, Jerry, that it's a fabulous, fabulous thing when a Rick Nelson flies in from a Los Angeles, when an Olivia calls and says, you know, "What, Don is having a benefit, I'm there." Forget about it, you know, 'cause it's a love and a respect and a thing, it's just...we're golden with this benefit, already!

Jerry Eldini: There's only one guy who could have set this whole benefit up, and I'm looking at him, Don Kirshner, you know that.

Don Kirshner: Don't give me, Jerry. It was your idea.

Jerry Eldini: Gah! My idea, my idea. [crowd applause is heard in the background. Olivia Newton-John walks up to Don and Jerry] Ah! Monster, monster, Olivia, Olivia.

Olivia Newton-John: Oh, thank you.

Jerry Eldini: How about a little tootski, honey? [Turns his back to the camera as he secretly offers Olivia some cocaine]

Olivia Newton-John: Oh, sure.

Jerry Eldini: Go! Go again!

Olivia Newton-John: [wipes her upper lip] Oh, am I showing? Am I showing?

Jerry Eldini: A little bit on your nose. Little bit.

Don Kirshner: Olivia, I have to say that we are so grateful to have a rock giantess like yourself participate in our benefit.

Olivia Newton-John: Well, it's a worthy cause, Don. I'd do it again to help stamp out yeast infections in our lifetime.

Jerry Eldini: When I see all this monster talent herded together under one roof and pause to reflect that, hey, me, Jerry Eldini, along with this [points to Don] very great, very small, [laughs] very small, very great man...

Don Kirshner: Oh, you're terrible, Jerry!

Jerry Eldini: Oh, had a hand in organizing Rock Against Yeast '79, I'm just proud as pee to be as part of the Polysutra label.

Don Kirshner: Jerry, where's Candy? She's on soon. I hope she's straight for the concert.

Jerry Eldini: [Begins looking around] I don't know. I hope she'll be good. She was here. [Camera moves to couch where Bob Marley and Rick Nelson are sitting]

Rick Nelson: You know, Bob, I was in Jamaica for the Wailers concert in April. I really dug it.

Bob Marley: You were in Ja, man, for that thing!

Rick Nelson: Yeah.

Bob Marley: I'll be doggone, man. That's some thing, you know? I remember hearin' about your concert, too. They tell me it was real good, you know. Everybody doin' the reggae to it and stuff.

Rick Nelson: Yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. I dug it.

Bob Marley: Y'ever been to the... [notices someone entering and taps Rick on the leg] Oh-oh-oh-oh who's dat, man? Who's dat dere?

[Camera pans over as an Elvis impersonator enters]

Rick Nelson: Oh, he's part of an Elvis Presley impersonation act. He plays Elvis in the early-'50s, you know.

Bob Marley: He plays Elvis?

Rick Nelson: Yeah, he calls himself King One.

Bob Marley: King One?

[A second Elvis impersonator enters, dressed as the heavier 1970s Elvis]

Rick Nelson: King Two.

Bob Marley: King Two?

[Both Kings walk over to the couch and sit]

King One: [speaking like Elvis] Uh. E-Excuse me, are you Ricky Nelson?

Rick Nelson: Yeah. Hi. [Shakes King One's hand] This is Bob Marley. [King One shakes Bob's hand]

Bob Marley: How you doing, King One?

King One: I just wanna say I'm a big fan, and I know the real King was a buddy of yours. I just hope you get a chance to see our show.

King Two: We try to do the King justice. I have a 'specially tough time 'cause I'm playin' the latter part of the King's life, after he discovered carbohydrates.

Rick Nelson: Right, yeah, well, what do you call your show?

King Two: Elvi!

King One: Uh, s-say, is that Dolly Parton over there or is that a Dolly Parton impersonator? [camera pans to Dolly Parton standing nearby]

Bob Marley: Gotta be Dolly.

Rick Nelson: [Stands up and brings Dolly over to the couch] Yeah, uh, Dolly? I want you to meet some friends of mine. [Bob Marley and the Elvi stand] Bob Marley. [Bob and Dolly shake hands] and the Elvi.

King One: Howdy.

King Two: [shakes Dolly's hand] Hello, Dolly!

Dolly Parton: Hello. [giggles] Pleased to meet you both! [to Bob] I just love your "reggie" music. It's so cute.

Bob Marley: Oh, that's reggae, Miss Parton.

Dolly Parton: [leans forward] Oh, who does your hair?

Bob Marley: Who does--

[Jerry Eldini reenters the room]

Jerry Eldini: Attention, please! Elvi, you're on next. Elvi One, please, and then Elvi two, stand by, okay? King One, King Two.

Kings One and Two: Nice meetin' you folks. We got some impersonatin' to do! [They exit]

Jerry Eldini: Good luck, fellas. Fabulous outfits, huh? Has anybody seen Candy Slice? Little girl who's platinum around here who's lost, little platinum.... Come on, anybody?

[Jerry opens the door. Candy, carrying a beer bottle, takes a few wobbly steps into the room and falls forward. Jerry catches her, pulls her back to her feet and guides her around the room]

Jerry Eldini: Candy! Hey, babe! We've been looking for you. Everybody's dying to meet you.

Olivia Newton-John: Oh, excuse me.

Jerry Eldini: Olivia, do you know Candy Slice?

Olivia Newton-John: Oh, Miss Slice. You know, I've never actually seen you perform, but I've heard that you're very, very hot. Do have a good show, really!

[Candy burps]

Olivia Newton-John: Salami? Is that salami? [Jerry leads Candy over to Dolly Parton. Candy stares at Dolly's breasts for a moment]

Dolly Parton: Knock 'em dead tonight, honey! [laughs] At least we're not wearin' the same thing!

Candy Slice: [points to Dolly's forehead] Hey, you're gettin' a zit there.

Jerry Eldini: Uh, Dolly, why don't you go to the ladies room and freshen up, okay? [Hands Dolly a packet of coke] From Polysutra. Rick? [walks over to Rick Nelson] Hey, Candy Slice has been dying to say hello.

Rick Nelson: Uh, Miss Slice? [Candy takes a swig from her beer bottle] It's really neat to meet you and be on the same show with you and everything, and I just wanna tell you I'm a big fan of yours. I love your latest album, "Making the Pig Sick."

[Candy spits out her beer and leans her head against Rick's chest]

Jerry Eldini: [Pulling Candy back up and laughing] Come on, Candy! Do you know who this is, for heaven's sake?

Candy Slice: Fabian?

Jerry Eldini: [Catching Candy as she collapses] She's quite a little kidder as it turns out. [Pulls her up] Upski, you little firecracker! Come on, you're on in a few seconds! [Catches a stagehand's attention] Howard, can you give me a hand? [Jerry turns to Rick as he and Howard help Candy out of the room] Thank you so much. It's a real favor. She really appreciates it.

[Cut to shot of hallway as Candy is led, then carried, to the stage. The audience is applauding as the Elvi finish their act]

Jerry Eldini: The Elvi, everyone! Weren't they fantastic? [The Elvi exit. Jerry props up Candy in front of the microphone] Test, one-two, test. Now, ladies and gentlemen, the rock-a-thon of Hope for Yeast benefit, in association with Don Kirshner and myself, Jerry Eldini --[laughing] okay, nobody knows me, I don't care -- take pride in presenting The Candy Slice Group, come on!

[Audience cheers]

Candy Slice: [slurring] Heeeey! Hey, Mick Jagger! If you're out there, this is for you! [Candy waves her arm and the band starts playing]

[singing]
"Gimme Mick, gimme Mick
Baby's hair, bulgin' eyes, lips so thick
Are you woman, are you man
I'm your biggest funked-up fan

Gimme Mick, gimme Mick
Baby's hair, bulgin' eyes, lips so thick
Are you woman, are you man
I'm your biggest funked-up fan
So rock me and roll me 'til I'm sick."

[Struts up and down the stage]

"Some girls want Travolta
All black and white and slick
But there's screamin' hunky mamas yellin'
Gimme Mick

Well my fine performance
Take my wife and all that shtick
Makes me die just ta meet ya

(Gimme Mick, gimme Mick
Baby's hair, bulgin' eyes, lips so thick)
Are you woman, are you man
I'm your biggest funked-up fan
So rock me and roll me 'til I'm sick

You, Mick Jagger, actually continue to perform at a concert where someone got knifed and killed during the 60's
You, Mick Jagger, are English and go out with a model and get an incredible amount of publicity
You, Mick Jagger, don't keep regular hours
You, Mick Jagger, have the greatest rock 'n roll band in the history of rock 'n roll, and you don't even play an instrument yourself

(Rock 'n roll, rock 'n roll
Gimme gimme gimme rock 'n roll)
Gimme gimme rock 'n roll
(Gimme gimme gimme gimme)
Gimme gimme
Gimme gimme gimme gimme

Gimme Mick, gimme Mick
Baby's hair, bulgin' eyes, lips so thick
Are you woman, are you man
I'm your biggest funked-up fan
So rock me and roll meeee...
'Til I'm sick [burps]-Ugh!"

[Candy hops up and down as the band plays its final chord, collapsing as the music stops. Applause and cheers. Jerry Eldini tries to pick Candy up as the scene fades]


Submitted by: JTR115


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