Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 13

78m: Kate Jackson / Delbert McClinton

Fred Silverman I

.....Kate Jackson
Cheryl Ladd.....Jane Curtin
Jaclyn Smith.....Gilda Radner
Voice of Charlie.....Bill Murray
Fred Silverman.....John Belushi
David Doyle.....Dan Aykroyd

[FADE IN on a mock-up of Bosley’s office from “Charlie’s Angels.” Fred Silverman is sitting at the desk, while the Angels stand in the background and talk softly among themselves.]

Charlie: [on speakerphone] Frenchie? Frenchie, put that, uh, drink down in the other room, I’ve got an important phone call to make here. Hello, Angels!

Angels: [in unison] Hi, Charlie!

Charlie: You all remember Freddy Silverman?

[CUT to Silverman leaning on his desktop in a navy blue three-piece suit.]

Freddy: [rasps his voice] Sure, the Angels and I are old friends.

Kate: Sorry you’re doing so badly over at NBC, Freddy.

Cheryl: [tosses head around] I hope you’re not taking all the blame.

Charlie: Well, perhaps Freddy DESERVES the blame, or should I say, credit.

Jaclyn: Well, what do you mean, Charlie?

Charlie: Well, Jaclyn, why don’t you let Freddy explain?

Freddy: You see... I’m not really working for NBC.

Kate: Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. You’re the president of the network!

Freddy: Right, Kate. But I never stopped working for ABC. [laughter] Fact is... I’m ABC’s Head of Covert Operations.

David: [standing behind Freddy] You see, girls: Freddy is a double agent.

Kate: So, in other words, Freddy is purposely sabotaging NBC’s schedule to help ABC!

Charlie: Exactly, Kate.

Cheryl: [tosses head around] So that explains “Hello, Larry”!

[laughter and applause]

Freddy: That’s right, Cheryl. You see... the plan is for me to destroy NBC by June.

Charlie: And to do that, Freddy’s gonna need your help, Angels.

Jaclyn: [grinning] We’ll do anything for Freddy.

Kate: Yeah, but how can we destroy NBC’s ratings?

Charlie: Okay, girls. Here are your instructions. Cheryl? [ZOOM IN on Cheryl] You’re going on NBC, and you’re going to sing.


Freddy: You will appear on “The Tonight Show,” “The Midnight Special,” “Tomorrow” show, “Rock Concert,” “Today,” segment three of the “Nightly News.” Don’t worry about the bookings, ahh, we’ll take care of that... Just go out there and sing your heart out.

Cheryl: [tosses head around] All right, Freddy!

Charlie: Jaclyn? [ZOOM in on Jaclyn] Next month, you’ll be appearing on a “Network Challenge of the Sexes.” But this one will be a little bit different. Freddy?

Freddy: In the Quickest Draw Competition, you’re paired against Johnny Carson. Only your gun... is loaded with real bullets.

Jaclyn: So I eliminate Johnny Carson.

David: And that finishes “The Tonight Show.” But suppose NBC comes up with an even more popular host?

Freddy: Don’t worry about that. We’ve already picked Johnny’s new replacement. McLean Stevenson.

[He slaps the desktop as the girls all moan and squirm and the audience laughs. A silent pause goes by.]

Charlie: Uh, David? There’s one thing that you can do.

David: Yes?

Charlie: We think that Tom Bosley of “Happy Days” may try to hold out for more money. We want you to be available for minor cosmetic surgery in case we need you to fill in for him.

David: That’s it! Okay, I’m, I’m game, sure!

Kate: Okay, so let’s see, Cheryl sings, uh, Jaclyn kills Johnny, David goes under the knife, but, uh, what do you want ME to do, Charlie?

Charlie: Kate? We have a special assignment for you. Are you familiar with NBC’s “Saturday Night Live”?

Kate: Uh, I used to watch it, but it went downhill after Chevy Chase left.

Cheryl: Oh, yeah.

Jaclyn: Yeah.

Charlie: Well, Freddy would like you to host.

Freddy: You see, Kate: we need, uh, to get one of you people inside that show. We picked you, because... you’re the smart one.

Cheryl: What?

Jaclyn: Wait a minute.

Kate: Okay, look, look. Thank you, Freddy, uh, but why, uh, “Saturday Night Live”?

Freddy: Well, their cast represents some of NBC’s best talent... [laughter] Uh, it’s... it’s the only show they’ve got left. We could scull it by getting the cast to leave, uh, late night for some abysmal prime-time projects.

Kate: Like what?

Freddy: Like, well, “Hello, Laraine,” “Hello, Aykroyd,” “Hello, Belushi”...

Kate: Okay, all right, great, great, great, but I still don’t understand where do I fit in, then?

Freddy: I want you to front for me. Get their confidence, and then introduce them to your new friend Freddy. [points to himself]

Kate: [sighs] Well, Charlie, I think I can handle it, it seems simple enough. Uh, where is it taped?

Freddy: [quizzically] Ohh! It’s taped-- [turns to camera] Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!

Submitted by: Sean

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