Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 13





78m: Kate Jackson / Delbert McClinton

Fred Silverman II

Fred Silverman.....John Belushi
Paul Gross.....Bill Murray
Voice of Receptionist.....Laraine Newman
.....Kate Jackson
Tom Snyder.....Dan Aykroyd

[FADE IN on Freddy and Paul standing in front of a board which displays NBC’s prime-time schedule for the coming fall.]

Paul: [taps board] Well... here’s the new schedule, just like you dictated it, Freddy.

Freddy: I like it! I like it very much.

Paul: I wanna say... a few members of the board were a little bit, uh... disturbed. [chuckles nervously] Surprised, I guess. Irv Goodman said, if he didn’t know better, he’d say you were trying to sabotage the network.

[Paul laughs awkwardly again. Freddy suavely straightens his tie.]

Freddy: Well, that’s why Irv’s in finance, and, uh, we’re in programming, Paul. [claps his shoulder]

Paul: Well, I must say that I share some of Irv’s... apprehension about it. If you’d let me play Nielsen’s advocate for a second... Uh, now, putting the “Today” show at eight o’clock at night, you know, that’s a little confusing, you know? The “Today” show made its reputation on being a morning show.

Freddy: But the “Today” show is one of our biggest shows. We NEED it in prime time. [taps board with finger]

Paul: Okay. But why did we hang on to “Little Women”? It was dead last in the ratings.

Freddy: Paul, let me give you a little lesson in creative programming. Y’know... uh, this thing that’s going on between the United States and Red China. It’s very important, you know that?

Paul: What’s it got to do with TV programming?

Freddy: “Little Women” is on nobody’s mind. But China is on everybody’s mind. So, next season, uh, we make “Little Women” into... “Little Chinese Women.”

[He stoops and holds out his hand to indicate a short person.]

Paul: [uncertainly] Well, I guess you know what you’re doing. Uh... all the NBC News contracts have been signed. Effective March 1st, David Brinkley will be replaced by Rip Taylor. [laughter] I just hope we don’t lose our credibility!

Freddy: Let’s leave credibility to Walter Cronkite and his core of holier-than-thou serious news journalists. He makes me wanna vomit!

Paul: Well, I don’t know, I don’t think Cronkite’s so bad, but... you’re the boss, Freddy!

[intercom on desk buzzes]

Freddy: Yeah?

Receptionist: Kate Jackson to see you, Mr. Silverman.

Freddy: Oh, send her right in.

Paul: Kate Jackson. She’s the smart one, isn’t she?

Freddy: Right, yeah.

Paul: [reaches toward desk] Well, I’ll get these contracts countersigned.

[Paul picks up the folder and steps toward the door. He opens it exactly as Kate turns the knob and walks in.]

Kate: Oh! Excuse me.

Paul: Oh, hi, er...

Kate: Hi.

Paul: Paul Gross. [shakes her hand] Nice to meet you.

Kate: Nice to meet you.

Paul: Say, how are things working out with that Saturday night group of crazies?

Kate: Oh, it seems to be going pretty well.

Paul: Boy, that’s a wigged-out bunch, y’know that, I don’t know whether they’re kidding me or what. [laughs]

Kate: Nice to meet you.

Paul: Nice meeting you, too. [starts to leave]

Kate: Bye-bye.

[She watches Paul exit and then steps over to Freddy.]

Freddy: [in a hushed voice] Kate, how’s everything going?

Kate: I don’t know, Freddy, it’s a little early to tell. Now, I talked to Gilda about, uh, your proposal for “Hello, Radner.”

Freddy: Good. Did you talk to, uh, Jane about “Mrs. Kojak”?

Kate: No, no I, look, could you just, could you just, uh, I don’t think she’s going to shave her head!

[laughter]

Freddy: Well, ask Laraine.

Kate: All right, now, look. [checks watch] I’ve gotta get back down there because I’m in another sketch right now, okay?

Freddy: Okay. See you later.

Kate: [pats his shoulder] See you later, Freddy.

[Kate dashes away. The intercom buzzes a moment later.]

Freddy: Yeah?

Receptionist: Paul’s on the line with the scrap iron people. They made an offer for the Supertrain.

[Audience laughs while Freddy sits down behind his desk and picks up the phone. A row of video monitors behind him displays the still shot of Kate Jackson seen in the previous commercial bumper.]

Freddy: Yeah, Paul. [pause] They’ll give us fifty dollars a ton? So let’s see, that’s... twenty-two hundred dollars. Which makes a... 11-million-dollar loss. Give or take a couple thousand. [sits back] What do you MEAN, they don’t want the caboose? That’s the best part! [pause] I know, I know! Listen, I got an idea. See if the caboose can float. I mean it! Maybe somebody could... No, wait. I got it. We’ll make it a series. “Caboose Cruise.” Every week it goes somewhere else. YES, I’m serious! [pause] We can give it to McLean. We’ll call it... “Ahoy, Larry.”

[intercom buzzes]

Freddy: Excuse me, Paul. [into intercom] Yeah?

Receptionist: Tom Snyder here to see you, Mr. Silverman.

[The audience bursts into applause.]

Freddy: [frantically] Tell him I’m not here! I’m NOT HERE! Does he know I’m in? I--

[He bites off his words as Tom walks in with a cream-colored leisure jacket, slicked-down hair, and a cigarette in his right hand.]

Tom: [over applause] Freddy? I know you’re a busy man, and I, I know you got good reasons why you haven’t returned my calls, whatever. We’re all busy, right--there are people whose calls I don’t return. Ah, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! [applause] Freddy, I understand through my stage manager, Shelly Schwartz, that you’re moving me to 10:00 p.m. Friday night! [extends his arms]

Freddy: That’s right, uh, it’s to get a bigger share of the audience. You’ll be premiering after a special two-hour “Hello, Larry.”

Tom: Freddy? You’ve done it again, sir. What can I say, sir? I take off my hat to ya, if I were wearing a hat, I’d take it off, I’d give it to ya. I’m sorry I go barging in like this--I’ll be seeing ya at... nine o’--ten o’clock Friday, nine o’clock Central time. [backs up to leave] From all of us on the prime-time shift, good night, sir, thanks a lot, and, I’ll, I love ya, and I’m not gonna do ya wrong!

[Tom exits to cheers and applause. Freddy rubs his forehead for a second and swivels around in his chair. The video monitors behind him display a waiting room set.]

Freddy: [into phone] Listen, Larry! Larry, I’m sorry, listen, I’ve gotta hang up. “Saturday Night Live” is coming on the screen. Uhh... uh, I haven’t seen the opening yet. I missed it. Here...

[ZOOM IN on the monitors as Freddy turns to watch.]


Submitted by: Sean


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