Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 14










78n: Gary Busey / Eubie Blake & Gregory Hines

The Carters In Israel

President Jimmy Carter.....Dan Aykroyd
Rosalyn Carter.....Laraine Newman
Miss Lillian Carter.....Gilda Radner
Billy Carter.....Gary Busey
Walter Cronkite.....Bill Murray
Menachan Begin.....John Belushi
Anwar Sadat.....Garrett Morris

[ open on interior, Carter bedroom, White House ]

[ Miss Lillian Carter enters the room as Jimmy and Rosalyn pack their suitcases ]

Lillian Carter: Yoo-hoo! Am I interrupting anything interesting?

President Jimmy Carter: Come on in, Mama.

Rosalyn Carter: Hello, Lillian.

Lillian Carter: Oh, Rosalyn, sweetheart.. would you mind putting the chicken in the plastic bags, and start shaking? I'll be down in a minute.

Rosalyn Carter: Okay, Lillian. Now, Jimmy.. it's a long flight to the Mid-East, and you'll be sitting a long time. Those seats on Air Force One have a tendancy to wobble. Well, I would just like you to be prepared, if you know what I mean.

President Jimmy Carter: Rosalyn, it's alright, don't worry about it, I'm prepared. [ opens suitcase to reveal multiple packages of Preparation H cream ]

[ Rosalyn exits bedroom ]

Lillian Carter: Jimmy.. Jimmy.. I've come to talk to you about your brother.

President Jimmy Carter: Oh, Mama. Let's not talk about Billy now.

Lillian Carter: Ohhh.. Jimmy, you've gotta remember that it hasn't been easy for Billy. You were the oldest and the favorite - you got the wagon, he got the cardboard box; you got the bicycle, he got the cardboard box; you got the brains, he got the cardboard box.

President Jimmy Carter: So?

Lillian Carter: Well.. Billy thinks the world of you. I mean, when you come on television, he gets all excited and he points at the screen - he knows you're the President! That's all he talks about!

President Jimmy Carter: Come on, Mama, get to the point.

Lillian Carter: Well.. all week long, Billy has been hinting about how he'd like to go with you on your trip to Israel and Egypt.

President Jimmy Carter: [ alarmed ] What?! The Middle East! Oh no, Mama.. I can't! Not the Middle East! That area's a tender box, a powder keg! I-I-I can't take him there!

Lillian Carter: Oh, Jimmy, stop being so melodramatic!

President Jimmy Carter: Mama, look.. I promise, I'll make it up to him in another way! I'll take him to the Salt talks! Or, uh.. he can represent me at the Governor's Conference! But not Israel, Mama.. not the Middle east. Besides, he'd be bored stiff in Israel. I'm gonna be at meetings all day..

Lillian Carter: Well, take him to the meetings with ya'! Besides, maybe, uh.. Sadat or Begin have a.. a.. younger brother he can go along with, and be with.

President Jimmy Carter: Awww.. please, Mama? Please, don't make me do this. Please. Don't be angry at me, Mama.

Lillian Carter: No, Jimmy, I won't be angry.. just disappointed.

President Jimmy Carter: [ fuming ] Alright, Mama.. alright, Mama, I'll do it.

Lillian Carter: Oh, I knew you would, Jimmy! And that's why I phoned the Naval hospital, where Billy's been drying out.. and I went and got him, and I flew him in here.. I took him to the airport - he just loved all the jets, and the escalators - had the best time - and he's here now, he's out in the hall.

President Jimmy Carter: Okay.. call him in..

Lillian Carter: Billy! Bil-ly! Oh, that boy.. [ pulls a beer can out of her purse and pops it open to lure Billy into the room ]

Billy Carter: [ runs in ] Mama!

Lillian Carter: Now, Billy, the doctors told you no alcohol at all! You're not allowed to have any alcohol! Now, Billy..

Billy Carter: N-n-not even.. not even beer?

Lillian Carter: Nope, not even beer! No alcohol! No drinking at all, Billy. Niw, look, Billy.. Billy! Billy, now, isn't there something that you had to say to your brother Billy?

Billy Carter: Uh-uh-uh.. uh-uh.. yes, ma'am, there was.. uh.. Jimmy, uh.. [ laughs ] ..I.. uh.. if I-I-I embarrassed you f-f-for something I said, or.. or.. someplace I whizzed.. I want to apologize..

President Jimmy Carter: It's okay, Billy. I realize you're doing your best..

Billy Carter: I-I-I-I am..

Lillian Carter: Now, Jimmy? Isn't there something you want to say to yor brother?

President Jimmy Carter: [ sighs ] Well, alright.. Billy, would you like to go the Middle East with me?

Billy Carter: Uh.. uh.. the Middle East..? Oh. I.. me.. y-yes! I would. [ laughs ]

President Jimmy Carter: You have to keep your mouth shut and behave yourself! The eyes of the world are gonna be upon us.

Billy Carter: I will.. I will, I promise.. I'll do my best! [ laughs ]

Lillian Carter: [ elated ] Oh, it makes my wrinkled face glow, just to see the two of you together again! My boys!

[ dissolve to Walter Cronkite, standing at exterior ]

Walter Cronkite: This is Walter Cronkite, reporting from Jerusalem. It's been an eventful three days, since President Carter arrived in Cairo Wednesday night. Tonight, the president landed in Jerusalem, where he's met by Prime Minister Begin, who took the presidential party on a tour of the Holy City. Security precautions have been especially heavy, in light of the unexpected presence of the President's brother Billy. Of the tight security, particularly the heavy plastic tarp covering the Wailing Wall, proved unnecessary. Finally, late tonight, we receive word that president Sadat has joined President Carter and Prime Minister Begin, at a formal state dinner, and there is speculation that we may soon have a historic peace treaty.

[ dissolve to state dinner ]

Menachan Begin: First, my good friend Anwar, who has brought his beautiful wife, Jehan.

[ Billy Carter claps and shouts enthusiastically ]

Anwar Sadat: Evening. Evening. Thank you, my friend, Menachan, and my friend Billy Carter. I would like to propose the Nobel Peace Prize.

Menachan Begin: Thank you, Anwar, thank you. And now, I'd like to hand the floor over to my good friend, Jimmy Carter!

[ Billy Carter claps and shouts enthusiastically ]

President Jimmy Carter: Thank you, Menachin. Before I make a toast to the peace we have achieved today, I'd like to apologize to you, Anwar, for the mishap with the dessert involving my brother Billy. And I can assure you that the United States government will pay for the cost of cleaning your suit. In the meantime, I suggest you soak it in cold water, and I assure you that when you get back, it will be as good as new. Now for the peace we have won today. Let us toast courage, of Prime Minister Begin, President Sadat and myself.

[ Billy Carter claps and shouts enthusiastically ]

Menachan Begin: Thank you, Jimmy. And now, I would like to propose a toast of my on. To this prayer for peace. A spirit that nothing can damn it. Not even the presence of, uh.. President Carter's brother William.

[ Billy Carter claps and shouts enthusiastically ]

Menachan Begin: Even in my own family, we have a character such as William. My brother-in-law, Ephram. [ turns to his wife ] Forgive me, sweetheart. The Jewish people have a term for such a person. He is called.. putz! So let's enjoy ourselves celebrating peace! Shalom!

[ pull back on studio wide shot, with SUPER: "coming up next... Does TV Have Enough Cheryls?" ]

[ fade ]


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