Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 14

78n: Gary Busey / Eubie Blake & Gregory Hines

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

... Jane Curtin
... Bill Murray
Voice of Mrs. Ed ... Laraine Newman

[Jane Curtin sits alone at the Update desk, the trademark spinning globe on the Chroma-Key screen behind her.]

Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with the Weekend Update news team. Brought to you by Chairman Meow, the Chinese food for cats. [The globe dissolves to a graphic of a chinese cat, a supper dish with chopsticks and the text: CHAIRMAN MEOW. A grinning Bill Murray rushes onto the set, sits, and is handed his microphone which he clips to his necktie. Much applause for his last second arrival.] Here are anchorpersons Jane Curtin and Bill Murray.

Jane Curtin: Good evening. I'm Jane Curtin. Our top story tonight:

[Photo of Jimmy Carter] President Carter has arrived in Jerusalem for the final phase of his Mideast peace mission. Reportedly, Carter's image maker, Gerald Rafshoon, stated tonight, quote, "This is the precarious culmination of months of dedicated effort, moderating, refereeing, compromising, coddling, proposing, traveling, sometimes anguished and often heartbreaking but always hopeful work. If this doesn't get this cracker clown re-elected, I don't know what the hell will." End quote.

The Israeli National Radio reports that an Arab couple on the West Bank named their newborn baby "Carter" in honor of the president's visit. [Photo of Gerald Ford] The report added that when former president Ford visited Israel last month, a young woman in Tel Aviv had a false pregnancy and named it "Jerry."

[Image of a planet surrounded by a Saturn-like ring] The Voyager I spacecraft has sent back photographs showing that the planet Jupiter is surrounded by a ring, a fact not heretofore known. NASA scientists were astounded and went to work trying to come up with a theory explaining the phenomenon. Today, after painstaking analysis and evaluation of the data, a NASA spokesman reports that God was playing with a basketball and it got stuck in the hoop. More on that game as it develops.

[Photo of an adorable baby seal] Hunting season opened today in Canada and hunters were out in force on the ice, smashing the heads of the cute, fluffy, white baby harp seals, staining the snow with blood and filling the air with the screams of the little animals and their mothers. This story is marred by a sad note. Several of the seal hunters slipped on the ice and suffered fractures and frostbite. Get well soon, fellas.


Bill Murray: [Graphic with the following text: News Poll - URINE 71% - YEMEN 9%] An NBC news poll shows that almost eight times as many Americans know that if you put a sleeping person's hand in lukewarm water he will wet his bed as know which side we're on in the North Yemen-South Yemen conflict.

An interesting note: last week, we inadvertantly misspelled "Philadelphia" on this clock [gestures to the clock directly behind him labeled: PHILADELPIA] and somehow we didn't realize it -- but a hundred and sixty people from Philly did and called in to complain about it. Well, to you hundred and sixty callers, we just wanted you to know that over twelve thousand people from your city called to say that they liked the new spelling better than the old one, so nice to have you with us, all you people from "Philadelpia."

Bill Murray: [pulls earrings out of his pocket] Oh, Jane, by the way, you left these earrings in my apartment.

Jane Curtin: Oh.

Bill Murray: [hands earrings to Jane who pockets them] Under the pillow. Laraine found them. [Jane doesn't look too happy to hear that]

Jane Curtin: Well, the mudslinging has already begun for the 1980 presidential election. In an a article in the Manchester, New Hampshire Union-Leader, [Photo of Philip Crane] Republican presidential candidate Philip Crane is portrayed as a promiscuous ladies man whose goal is to have sex with one thousand women. An angry Crane called the story a malicious lie planted by a campaign worker for Ronald Reagan. [Photo of Ronald Reagan] Meanwhile, Weekend Update has discovered from an unreliable source that Reagan has had sex with over one thousand men.

[Image of newspaper headline: U.S. Judge Bars Use of an Article On the H-Bomb - Issues Temporary Order in First Amendment Case] In Milwaukee, federal judge Robert Warren issued a restraining order to keep Progressive magazine from publishing the secrets of the H-bomb in its April issue. Judge Warren said, "I want to think a long, hard time before I give a hydrogen bomb to Idi Amin." [Photo of dictator Idi Amin] Meanwhile, as Tanzanian troops marched on his capital in Uganda, Idi Amin renewed his subscription to The Progressive and hoped for the best.

Using strong language, toting ten gallon hats and smoking cigars, a group of free-wheeling moles went on a rampage after a Memphis screening of "The Warriors." They terrorized a school bus, danced the hula, and made fun of a crossing guard at a local elementary school. There were no arrests.


[On the Chroma-Key screen behind Bill Murray, we see a photo of actor Alan Young and the horse that starred in the TV sitcom "Mr. Ed" over which a superimposed text reads: 1946-1979.]

Bill Murray: Tragedy in the world of show business this week when Mr. Ed, TV's talking horse, died at the age of thirty-three. The talented horse was one of the few stars who successfully made the transition from silent movies to talkies. In accordance with his wishes, Mr. Ed's tombstone will bear the simple legend: "Mr. Dead." [The photo dissolves to a graphic reading: Bill Murray's CELEBRITY CORNER] You know, I just couldn't dismiss a story like this so easily. Mr. Ed was a big part of my childhood so, in a final tribute, I've contacted his grieving widow and she has agreed to appear on Celebrity Corner. [Murray turns to the Chroma-Key screen expecting to see the horse but nothing happens] Mrs. Ed? [Murray realizes that Mrs. Ed isn't going to show up, turns to the camera, and begins stalling for time, much to the audience's amusement] You know, we kid, we do a lot of kidding about the animal kingdom, quite a bit of kidding about the animal kingdom but, you know, if it weren't for those people with four legs, how would some of us less fortunate with two-- [Finally, Mrs. Ed, a large white horse wearing a black veil, appears on the screen] Ah! Mrs. Ed? Hello. I'm so sorry that we had to meet under these circumstances. [The spooked horse shies away from the lights and its handler struggles to keep it facing the camera - instead, we get a view of its large rear end] What-- what can I say, except, I know how you feel. I know how you feel. What can I say? I'm sorry. That's all you can expect me to say. I'm very--

[By now, the handler has maneuvered the horse into facing the camera but struggles throughout the rest of the interview to maintain this position.]

Mrs. Ed: [sounding exactly like a female Mr. Ed] Weeeell, thank you, William!

Bill Murray: Be brave, Mrs. Ed. You know that the hearts of all Americans are with you. I hope you know that.

Mrs. Ed: I know that, Bill! The phone hasn't stopped ringing.

Bill Murray: You had one of the more successful show business marriages, thirty years, Mrs. Ed. How did you do it?

Mrs. Ed: We loved each other, Bill. Ed was supportive, considerate and caring. And, incidentally, he was great in the hay. [neighs happily] A little horse joke, William.

Bill Murray: Ha ha! Stud, was he? I got that. I see where he got his sense of humor, too. I guess Ed's last days must have been very hard on you, huh?

Mrs. Ed: No. Ed-- [The horse tries to walk off.] Wait a minute, where am I going?! [The handler leads the horse in a circle to face the camera again.]

Bill Murray: It's - it's - it's the one with the red light on, Mrs. Ed.

Mrs. Ed: Thank you, William! William, Ed made it easy for me. He knew he was dying. He accepted it philosophically. With his last breath, Ed just looked at me and sighed: "A corpse is a corpse, of course, of course."

[Much applause as we dissolve back to the "Bill Murray's CELEBRITY CORNER" graphic and a tearful Murray wipes his eyes and addresses the camera:]

Bill Murray: Sweet, sweet, sweet lady, huh? Let me mention to our viewers that the Ed family has requested that in lieu of flowers, well-wishers should send a donation to the American Hardening of the Fetlocks Association in Galveston, Texas. Jane?

Jane Curtin: [cracking up] That's the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted Anonymously

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