78n: Gary Busey / Eubie Blake & Gregory Hines
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
... Jane Curtin
... Bill Murray
Voice of Mrs. Ed ... Laraine Newman
[Jane Curtin sits alone at the Update desk, the
trademark spinning globe on the Chroma-Key screen
Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with the Weekend
Update news team. Brought to you by Chairman Meow, the
Chinese food for cats. [The globe dissolves to a
graphic of a chinese cat, a supper dish with
chopsticks and the text: CHAIRMAN MEOW. A grinning
Bill Murray rushes onto the set, sits, and is handed
his microphone which he clips to his necktie. Much
applause for his last second arrival.] Here are
anchorpersons Jane Curtin and Bill Murray.
Jane Curtin: Good evening. I'm Jane Curtin. Our top
[Photo of Jimmy Carter] President Carter has arrived
in Jerusalem for the final phase of his Mideast peace
mission. Reportedly, Carter's image maker, Gerald
Rafshoon, stated tonight, quote, "This is the
precarious culmination of months of dedicated effort,
moderating, refereeing, compromising, coddling,
proposing, traveling, sometimes anguished and often
heartbreaking but always hopeful work. If this doesn't
get this cracker clown re-elected, I don't know what
the hell will." End quote.
The Israeli National Radio reports that an Arab couple
on the West Bank named their newborn baby "Carter" in
honor of the president's visit. [Photo of Gerald Ford]
The report added that when former president Ford
visited Israel last month, a young woman in Tel Aviv
had a false pregnancy and named it "Jerry."
[Image of a planet surrounded by a Saturn-like ring]
The Voyager I spacecraft has sent back photographs
showing that the planet Jupiter is surrounded by a
ring, a fact not heretofore known. NASA scientists
were astounded and went to work trying to come up with
a theory explaining the phenomenon. Today, after
painstaking analysis and evaluation of the data, a
NASA spokesman reports that God was playing with a
basketball and it got stuck in the hoop. More on that
game as it develops.
[Photo of an adorable baby seal] Hunting season opened
today in Canada and hunters were out in force on the
ice, smashing the heads of the cute, fluffy, white
baby harp seals, staining the snow with blood and
filling the air with the screams of the little animals
and their mothers. This story is marred by a sad note.
Several of the seal hunters slipped on the ice and
suffered fractures and frostbite. Get well soon,
Bill Murray: [Graphic with the following text: News
Poll - URINE 71% - YEMEN 9%] An NBC news poll shows
that almost eight times as many Americans know that if
you put a sleeping person's hand in lukewarm water he
will wet his bed as know which side we're on in the
North Yemen-South Yemen conflict.
An interesting note: last week, we inadvertantly
misspelled "Philadelphia" on this clock [gestures to
the clock directly behind him labeled: PHILADELPIA]
and somehow we didn't realize it -- but a hundred and
sixty people from Philly did and called in to complain
about it. Well, to you hundred and sixty callers, we
just wanted you to know that over twelve thousand
people from your city called to say that they liked
the new spelling better than the old one, so nice to
have you with us, all you people from "Philadelpia."
Bill Murray: [pulls earrings out of his pocket] Oh, Jane, by the
way, you left these earrings in my apartment.
Jane Curtin: Oh.
Bill Murray: [hands earrings to Jane who pockets them]
Under the pillow. Laraine found them. [Jane doesn't
look too happy to hear that]
Jane Curtin: Well, the mudslinging has already begun
for the 1980 presidential election. In an a article in
the Manchester, New Hampshire Union-Leader, [Photo of
Philip Crane] Republican presidential candidate Philip
Crane is portrayed as a promiscuous ladies man whose
goal is to have sex with one thousand women. An angry
Crane called the story a malicious lie planted by a
campaign worker for Ronald Reagan. [Photo of Ronald
Reagan] Meanwhile, Weekend Update has discovered from
an unreliable source that Reagan has had sex with over
one thousand men.
[Image of newspaper headline: U.S. Judge Bars Use of
an Article On the H-Bomb - Issues Temporary Order in
First Amendment Case] In Milwaukee, federal judge
Robert Warren issued a restraining order to keep
Progressive magazine from publishing the secrets of
the H-bomb in its April issue. Judge Warren said, "I
want to think a long, hard time before I give a
hydrogen bomb to Idi Amin." [Photo of dictator Idi
Amin] Meanwhile, as Tanzanian troops marched on his
capital in Uganda, Idi Amin renewed his subscription
to The Progressive and hoped for the best.
Using strong language, toting ten gallon hats and
smoking cigars, a group of free-wheeling moles went on
a rampage after a Memphis screening of "The Warriors."
They terrorized a school bus, danced the hula, and
made fun of a crossing guard at a local elementary
school. There were no arrests.
[On the Chroma-Key screen behind Bill Murray, we see a
photo of actor Alan Young and the horse that starred
in the TV sitcom "Mr. Ed" over which a superimposed
text reads: 1946-1979.]
Bill Murray: Tragedy in the world of show business
this week when Mr. Ed, TV's talking horse, died at the
age of thirty-three. The talented horse was one of the
few stars who successfully made the transition from
silent movies to talkies. In accordance with his
wishes, Mr. Ed's tombstone will bear the simple
legend: "Mr. Dead." [The photo dissolves to a graphic
reading: Bill Murray's CELEBRITY CORNER] You know, I
just couldn't dismiss a story like this so easily. Mr.
Ed was a big part of my childhood so, in a final
tribute, I've contacted his grieving widow and she has
agreed to appear on Celebrity Corner. [Murray turns to
the Chroma-Key screen expecting to see the horse but
nothing happens] Mrs. Ed? [Murray realizes that Mrs.
Ed isn't going to show up, turns to the camera, and
begins stalling for time, much to the audience's
amusement] You know, we kid, we do a lot of kidding
about the animal kingdom, quite a bit of kidding about
the animal kingdom but, you know, if it weren't for
those people with four legs, how would some of us less
fortunate with two-- [Finally, Mrs. Ed, a large white
horse wearing a black veil, appears on the screen] Ah!
Mrs. Ed? Hello. I'm so sorry that we had to meet under
these circumstances. [The spooked horse shies away
from the lights and its handler struggles to keep it
facing the camera - instead, we get a view of its
large rear end] What-- what can I say, except, I know
how you feel. I know how you feel. What can I say? I'm
sorry. That's all you can expect me to say. I'm very--
[By now, the handler has maneuvered the horse into
facing the camera but struggles throughout the rest of
the interview to maintain this position.]
Mrs. Ed: [sounding exactly like a female Mr. Ed]
Weeeell, thank you, William!
Bill Murray: Be brave, Mrs. Ed. You know that the hearts of all Americans are with you. I hope you know that.
Mrs. Ed: I know that, Bill! The phone hasn't stopped ringing.
Bill Murray: You had one of the more successful show business marriages, thirty years, Mrs. Ed. How did you do it?
Mrs. Ed: We loved each other, Bill. Ed was supportive,
considerate and caring. And, incidentally, he was
great in the hay. [neighs happily] A little horse
Bill Murray: Ha ha! Stud, was he? I got that. I see
where he got his sense of humor, too. I guess Ed's
last days must have been very hard on you, huh?
Mrs. Ed: No. Ed-- [The horse tries to walk off.] Wait
a minute, where am I going?! [The handler leads the
horse in a circle to face the camera again.]
Bill Murray: It's - it's - it's the one with the red
light on, Mrs. Ed.
Mrs. Ed: Thank you, William! William, Ed made it easy
for me. He knew he was dying. He accepted it
philosophically. With his last breath, Ed just looked
at me and sighed: "A corpse is a corpse, of course, of
[Much applause as we dissolve back to the "Bill
Murray's CELEBRITY CORNER" graphic and a tearful
Murray wipes his eyes and addresses the camera:]
Bill Murray: Sweet, sweet, sweet lady, huh? Let me
mention to our viewers that the Ed family has
requested that in lieu of flowers, well-wishers should
send a donation to the American Hardening of the
Fetlocks Association in Galveston, Texas. Jane?
Jane Curtin: [cracking up] That's the news. Good night
and have a pleasant tomorrow.