Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 14

78n: Gary Busey / Eubie Blake & Gregory Hines

Women's Problems

Steve.....Dan Aykroyd
Brad.....Bill Murray
Mike.....Garrett Morris
Craig.....Gary Busey
Vic.....Brian Doyle-Murray
Clint.....John Belushi

Steve: Good afternoon, welcome to "Women's Problems". I'm your host, Steve. With me today, our panel of regulars - Brad.. Mike.. and Craig. Okay, let's get to it, come on we've got a lot of ground to cover..

Mike: Yeah.

Craig: Let's get to it!

Steve: We've got a lot of women's problems to discuss..

Mike: Damn straight! Damn straight!

Brad: Last time, we were talking about problems from women in careers. I've got a couple of things I'd like to get off of my chest.

Steve: Go ahead, man!

Brad: Any woman who wants a career, she's got two problems - 1. her career; 2. this baby thing. I don't care who she is, what she says - there isn't a broad alive who doesn't feel unfulfilled if she doesn't have a baby.

Mike: Damn straight! Damn straight on that! Yes!

Craig: If they could just make a decision and stick to it!

Steve: There you go.

Mike: Exactly, Craig. You get tired of hearing it, man?

Brad: I think I may want a kid.. when I'm 40, late 40's, something like that. If that happens, I'll divorce my wife and marry a girl in her 20's.

Mike: Right on!

Brad: I'll take that chance. That's life. But you're not gonna hear me whining about it all the time.

Steve: Well, that brings up another terrible women's problem - whining. That is a problem

[ the men argue this point between themselves ]

Mike: I think you guys are missing the point, though. you see, if a woman steps out of line, man, see, she's asking her man to show that he cares by slapping her around a little bit!

Brad: Amen!

Mike: See? Now, if one of my women gives me trouble, I will whap her on the butt with a car antenna! 'Til she's says she's sorry!

Steve: Well, uh.. it's a different system, Mike. I mean.. sometimes a man can gain more ground by trying to understand, you know, whatever particular problems that particular broad might have.

Mike: Yeah.. yeah.. and, you know, one of the biggest problems that we haven't touched on, is the fact that, when they get old, man, they get ugly! you don't want to be around her any more after that!

Steve: That's a problem. That's a problem. Women in today's world are faced with a lot of serious problems, you know? We can't, of course, discuss every one of them today, but we're gonna try to in the weeks ahead. Right now, let's go up to the dock. We got a few guys up there with some questions. Uh, sir? You got a question?

Vic: Uh, yeah. Steve, hi, I'm Vic.

Steve: Hi, Vic.

Vic: And, uh.. I have a question about a woman's problem, which is, uh.. apparently, none of them are able to climax. What do you do about that?

Steve: Uh.. any of you guys want to tackle Vic's question?

Craig: I'll tackle Vic's question. Hello, Vic, welcome to the show. It all depends on where the hot bone is located. It's either gonna happen or it's not, so don't worry, there's nothing you can do about it!

Mike: Yeah, that's for sure, you got it, Craig!

Craig: Nothing I can do about it! You guys over!

Steve: Okay. Does that answer your question?

Vic: Uh.. yeah. Thanks.

Steve: Look for that hot bone! Thasnks, babe! Okay, next guy. You got a question, sir?

Clint: Yeah, uh.. Steve? My name's Clint!

Steve: Okay.

Clint: I just gotta say that you guys are the only show on TV that has the guts to openly discuss women's problems, and I think that's great for a lot of guys.

Steve: Alright!

[ the men applaud themselves ]

Steve: Well, thanks a lot. You know, we're trying the best we can, Clint.

Brad: Yeah, that's right.

Clint: My question is: what part of a woman's body do you like the best?

Steve: Okay, that's easy for me. I go for a woman's breasts. I'm a breast man. What about you, Brad?

Brad: Yeah, put me down for big breasts.

Steve: Craig?

Craig: Breasts. Humonogous breasts!

Steve: Okay, Mike?

Mike: Uhh.. I like the women with a big butt. Uh.. you know, something you can hold onto and hit with a car antenna.

Steve: Alright, fair enough. Guys, this is not strictly a woman's problem, and I hope we can talk about it a little bit today.. I'd like to talk a bit about which TV actresses we'd like to sleep with.

The Guys: Adrienne Barbieau!!

Craig: Wonder Woman!

The Guys: Adrienne Barbieau!!

Craig: Wonder Woman!

Steve: Okay.. I thihk we're out of time now, so from all of us at "Women's Problems", take care. Remember, maybe, if we all work together, someday there won't be a need for a show like this. We'll see you next week!

SNL Transcripts