78o: Margot Kidder / The Chieftains
Eve Beverage ... Jane Curtin
Edna Woman ... Margot Kidder
Betsy Sandler ... Gilda Radner
Patsy Carlson ... Laraine Newman
First Questioner ... Anne Beatts
Second Questioner ... Rosie Shuster
[Tammy Wynette's "Stand By Your Man" plays as we fade
in on the set of a talk show. SUPER: MEN'S PROBLEMS.
Four suburban women sit and talk amongst
Eve Beverage: [to the woman beside her] Oh, I
know! And it's just that they, you know, they come out
of there and they keep trying to go back in! You know?
Edna Woman: I know. I know just what you
Eve Beverage: [into the camera] Oh, hi! I'm Eve
Beverage. And welcome to Men's Problems, the show that
tries to help men. And now let's meet the girls. Edna
Edna Woman: Hiya. [waves, smiles - wears a pink
pantsuit, her legs spread wide apart throughout the
Eve Beverage: Betsy Sandler. [bespectacled
woman who smiles and nods] Patsy Carlson. [redhead who
waves] Marsha Dieter couldn't be here 'cause her
husband hadn't eaten dinner yet. Well, last week, we
were talking about how all men are in love with their
mothers and hate them at the same time.
Edna Woman: I think men are - are all spoiled
babies 'cause their mothers gave 'em everything they
wanted. Except sex.
Eve Beverage: Oh, exactly. They're like
Edna Woman: Yeah.
Betsy Sandler: Oh, tell me about it! I got
three kids: two are my real kids and one is my husband
Peter. [waves, into the camera] Hi, kids! Hi,
Eve Beverage: Well, maybe they behave like
children because they can never actually have children
Edna Woman: Yeah. And even if they do have
kids, they can never actually be sure who the father
really is. That's a problem.
Eve Beverage: Very good point. Very good
Edna Woman: That's a really big men's
Eve Beverage: Well, what else, do you
Edna Woman: Size.
Eve Beverage: Ahhh!
Edna Woman: Size is a big problem.
Betsy Sandler: Yeah. Well, uh, size can either
be a big problem or a little problem.
[Others murmur agreement or say, "Yeah" and
Eve Beverage: That's true. That's very true.
Betsy Sandler: [into camera] Oh, I didn't - I
didn't mean anything specific about you, Peter.
Eve Beverage: Well, one huge men's problem is
that they can't make us climax.
Edna Woman: [after an awkward pause, puts a
hand on Eve's arm] Oh, you gotta show him,
Eve Beverage: Well--
Edna Woman: You gotta show him.
Eve Beverage: It's always the same with Dick.
First, he says, "Mama Bear, come to Papa Bear" -- then
he goes "Honk, honk, honk" and then falls asleep like
a beached whale! [mimics snoring] You know what I
mean? That's terrible.
Betsy Sandler: Oh, God, it sounds just like
Eve Beverage: Oh, no!
Patsy Carlson: Uh, can I say something? Can I?
I think it's a terrible men's problem when the guy
falls in love with you and you think he's a creep. And
he won't take no for an answer. My God, if I could
have a dime for every charity case I've slept with--
[shakes her head, chuckling -- pause as the others
stare at her in shock -- uncomfortably] Well, there
weren't that many.
Eve Beverage: Making us into masochists is a
terrible men's problem.
Betsy Sandler: [nods] Mmm. Oh, you wanna hear a
really bad men's problem?
Eve Beverage: That they can't fake it.
Betsy Sandler: Uh, no, no. I - I was thinking,
you know, you know, when - how men worry about their
Eve Beverage: Uh huh.
Betsy Sandler: And when they're going bald, you
Eve Beverage: Uh huh.
Betsy Sandler: And sometimes, there's just hair
in the back and they take and they comb it forward?
Eve Beverage: Uh huh.
Betsy Sandler: One - one strand --
Eve Beverage: Yes!
Betsy Sandler: -- comes over the top like a
stripe - it looks like a stripe!
Eve Beverage: Yes! Yes!
Betsy Sandler: [laughs, suddenly serious, into
camera] Well, you know you do it, honey! You
know you do.
Edna Woman: I - I think that biggest men's
problem is that we can always do it - and they can't.
I mean, we can even do it when we're dead.
Eve Beverage: Maybe, maybe. Now, why don't we
go to the Beef Box for some questions? [points
First Questioner: [in the audience, at a
microphone] What about lesbianism?
Eve Beverage: [sharply] What about it? Next
Second Questioner: [clutching her purse] Keep
up the good work! Do any of you fool around?
Eve Beverage: Ahh!
Betsy Sandler: Oh, uh, me! [raises her hand]
Um, I'm having an affair with this really great guy
who I met totally by accident. I'm sorry,
Patsy Carlson: [laughs, then mangles her line]
At least, she heard it from you, Peter! [having blown
the joke, puts hand to her face and shakes her head in
Eve Beverage: Well, we're running out of time
but, clearly, not out of men's problems. Thank you for
watching and I hope we've helped some of you men out
there. See ya next week.
[Applause, music: "Stand By Your Man" which drowns out
some of the following:]
Edna Woman: No! I didn't get to my list --
there's war, rape, bad aim, [?], dingleberries, dirty
movies, [?], hair on the chest--
[SUPER: MEN'S PROBLEMS. Pull back, fade