Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 15

78o: Margot Kidder / The Chieftains

Men's Problems

Eve Beverage ... Jane Curtin
Edna Woman ... Margot Kidder
Betsy Sandler ... Gilda Radner
Patsy Carlson ... Laraine Newman
First Questioner ... Anne Beatts
Second Questioner ... Rosie Shuster

[Tammy Wynette's "Stand By Your Man" plays as we fade in on the set of a talk show. SUPER: MEN'S PROBLEMS. Four suburban women sit and talk amongst themselves.]

Eve Beverage: [to the woman beside her] Oh, I know! And it's just that they, you know, they come out of there and they keep trying to go back in! You know? It's terrible.

Edna Woman: I know. I know just what you mean.

Eve Beverage: [into the camera] Oh, hi! I'm Eve Beverage. And welcome to Men's Problems, the show that tries to help men. And now let's meet the girls. Edna Woman.

Edna Woman: Hiya. [waves, smiles - wears a pink pantsuit, her legs spread wide apart throughout the sketch]

Eve Beverage: Betsy Sandler. [bespectacled woman who smiles and nods] Patsy Carlson. [redhead who waves] Marsha Dieter couldn't be here 'cause her husband hadn't eaten dinner yet. Well, last week, we were talking about how all men are in love with their mothers and hate them at the same time.

Edna Woman: I think men are - are all spoiled babies 'cause their mothers gave 'em everything they wanted. Except sex.

Eve Beverage: Oh, exactly. They're like children.

Edna Woman: Yeah.

Betsy Sandler: Oh, tell me about it! I got three kids: two are my real kids and one is my husband Peter. [waves, into the camera] Hi, kids! Hi, Peter!

Eve Beverage: Well, maybe they behave like children because they can never actually have children themselves.

Edna Woman: Yeah. And even if they do have kids, they can never actually be sure who the father really is. That's a problem.

Eve Beverage: Very good point. Very good point.

Edna Woman: That's a really big men's problem.

Eve Beverage: Well, what else, do you think?

Edna Woman: Size.

Eve Beverage: Ahhh!

Edna Woman: Size is a big problem.

Betsy Sandler: Yeah. Well, uh, size can either be a big problem or a little problem.

[Others murmur agreement or say, "Yeah" and chuckle.]

Eve Beverage: That's true. That's very true. Very true.

Betsy Sandler: [into camera] Oh, I didn't - I didn't mean anything specific about you, Peter. [chuckles]

Eve Beverage: Well, one huge men's problem is that they can't make us climax.

Edna Woman: [after an awkward pause, puts a hand on Eve's arm] Oh, you gotta show him, honey.

Eve Beverage: Well--

Edna Woman: You gotta show him.

Eve Beverage: It's always the same with Dick. First, he says, "Mama Bear, come to Papa Bear" -- then he goes "Honk, honk, honk" and then falls asleep like a beached whale! [mimics snoring] You know what I mean? That's terrible.

Betsy Sandler: Oh, God, it sounds just like Peter!

Eve Beverage: Oh, no!

Patsy Carlson: Uh, can I say something? Can I? I think it's a terrible men's problem when the guy falls in love with you and you think he's a creep. And he won't take no for an answer. My God, if I could have a dime for every charity case I've slept with-- [shakes her head, chuckling -- pause as the others stare at her in shock -- uncomfortably] Well, there weren't that many.

Eve Beverage: Making us into masochists is a terrible men's problem.

Betsy Sandler: [nods] Mmm. Oh, you wanna hear a really bad men's problem?

Eve Beverage: That they can't fake it.

Betsy Sandler: Uh, no, no. I - I was thinking, you know, you know, when - how men worry about their hair?

Eve Beverage: Uh huh.

Betsy Sandler: And when they're going bald, you know?

Eve Beverage: Uh huh.

Betsy Sandler: And sometimes, there's just hair in the back and they take and they comb it forward?

Eve Beverage: Uh huh.

Betsy Sandler: One - one strand --

Eve Beverage: Yes!

Betsy Sandler: -- comes over the top like a stripe - it looks like a stripe!

Eve Beverage: Yes! Yes!

Betsy Sandler: [laughs, suddenly serious, into camera] Well, you know you do it, honey! You know you do.

Edna Woman: I - I think that biggest men's problem is that we can always do it - and they can't. I mean, we can even do it when we're dead.

Eve Beverage: Maybe, maybe. Now, why don't we go to the Beef Box for some questions? [points aggressively] You!

First Questioner: [in the audience, at a microphone] What about lesbianism?

Eve Beverage: [sharply] What about it? Next question.

Second Questioner: [clutching her purse] Keep up the good work! Do any of you fool around?

Eve Beverage: Ahh!

Betsy Sandler: Oh, uh, me! [raises her hand] Um, I'm having an affair with this really great guy who I met totally by accident. I'm sorry, Peter.

Patsy Carlson: [laughs, then mangles her line] At least, she heard it from you, Peter! [having blown the joke, puts hand to her face and shakes her head in amused embarrassment]

Eve Beverage: Well, we're running out of time but, clearly, not out of men's problems. Thank you for watching and I hope we've helped some of you men out there. See ya next week.

[Applause, music: "Stand By Your Man" which drowns out some of the following:]

Edna Woman: No! I didn't get to my list -- there's war, rape, bad aim, [?], dingleberries, dirty movies, [?], hair on the chest--

[SUPER: MEN'S PROBLEMS. Pull back, fade away.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts