78o: Margot Kidder / The Chieftains

Superhero Party

Superman/Clark Kent ... Bill Murray
Beverly ... Gilda Radner
The Flash ... Dan Aykroyd
Lana Lang ... Jane Curtin
The Hulk ... John Belushi
Cookie Hulk ... Laraine Newman
Antman ... Garrett Morris

[A spacious high-rise apartment overlooking the city of Metropolis. Lois Lane stands by a punch bowl.]

Lois Lane: Honey! Honey, do you want to mix the punch? I don't know what it is. Four parts vodka to one mix or-- Ahhh! [she pours the vodka directly in the bowl as Superman, wearing an apron, bounds into the room and adopts his power stance with hands on hips]

Lois Lane: What is it?

Superman: It's four parts to one. Can you do it, sweetheart? I'm putting the nachos in the oven.

Lois Lane: Okay. You know, I sure hope the people mix better than they did at my birthday party. I mean, your friends clumped on one side and all my friends were on another side. [doorbell rings] Who can that be? They're ten minutes early?

Superman: I'll get it. [bounds to the door and opens it to reveal the Flash] Hey! If it isn't the fastest man alive! [they shake hands as the Flash's date Beverly enters]

Lois Lane: [kisses Flash on cheek] How are ya? Hi, Beverly!

Beverly: Hi.

The Flash: Superman, Lois. My friend, Beverly. [they exchange greetings]

Beverly: Ohhh, look at your ring! What a beautiful diamond!

Lois Lane: Aw, thanks. Hubby here made it out of a bag of E-Z Lite Charcoal Briquettes for me.

The Flash: He's a real handyman around the house, huh?

Lois Lane: Uh huh.

The Flash: Hey, probably won't need one of these. [offers a gift-wrapped present]

Superman: Ohhh! A corkscrew. Thank you.

Lois Lane: [annoyed, to Superman] Uh, would you let me open it first? I mean, there are some of us who don't have X-ray vision and we like to be surprised.

Superman: [nods in agreement] I'm sorry.

Lois Lane: [unwraps present] Oh! A corkscrew!

Superman: A corkscrew! Well, thank you.

Lois Lane: Oh, thank you.

Superman: You know, it's the one thing I could really use around the house. You know, lately, I've been sucking the cork out and I end up drinking the whole bottle. Thank you.

Lois Lane: You really shouldn't have.

The Flash: That's okay.

Superman: Flash? Beverly?

Lois Lane: Beverly? Want some punch?

Superman: Punch?

Beverly: Oh, great. [all four walk to the punch bowl]

The Flash: Well, thanks, I just had some there as - while you asked me. Ha ha! When you blinked your eye.

Superman: [chuckles] Would you like some more?

The Flash: I just had some there when you just asked me the second time.

Beverly: Honey, you'd better slow down.

The Flash: Oh, you know me. [laughs]

Beverly: Mm hmm.

Lois Lane: [hands punch to Beverly] There you go, dear.

Beverly: Thank you.

The Flash: Thanks a lot. Oh, great. That looks great.

Superman: [sensing trouble, glancing at door] Oh, uh ...

The Flash: Beautiful apartment.

Lois Lane: Thank you.

Superman: ... Lana Lang is here, Lois.

Lois Lane: [doorbell rings, coolly] I'll get it, honey. [heads for the door]

The Flash: [to Superman] You and that crazy X-ray vision! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Lois Lane: [opens door without looking, unenthusiastic] Hi, Lana.

Lana Lang: [breezes in, cigarette in one hand, thickly sugarcoating her envy] Hi, Lois. How's the luckiest girl in the world?

Lois Lane: [mimics her faux sweetness] Oh, just fine. Why don't you join the party and try and have some fun?

[But Lana has already breezed past her to join Superman and friends at the punch bowl.]

Lana Lang: [puts a loving hand on Superman] Hello.

Superman: Hi, Lana. Have you met my friends, the Flash and - and Beverly? [Lois pointedly pushes Lana away from Superman as she rejoins him]

Beverly: Beverly, yes.

The Flash: Hello. How are ya?

Lana Lang: Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Oh, by the way, Superman, I just read that profile of you by Clark Kent for the Daily Planet. Boy, does Clark Kent love you.

Superman: Heh heh heh. [Lois fixes a drink for Lana as Superman deftly changes the subject] Say, Flash, I got a new ping pong table in the rec room. What do you say I take you on?

The Flash: Okay, but no betting. You know what happens when we bet. [they laugh heartily]

Lana Lang: [accepting punch from Lois] Thank you.

The Flash: [to Superman] Let's do it. [to Beverly] See ya later, Bev.

Beverly: Bye-bye.

[Superman and the Flash exit, leaving the women at the punch bowl.]

Lana Lang: Well, Lois, married life seems to be agreeing with you.

Lois Lane: Well, yes, but, uh, you know, living with a superhero does have its problems, Lana.

[Unlike the other women who are used to this sort of thing, Lana Lang looks momentarily disconcerted at the sounds of the super-speed ping pong playing that drifts in from the rec room.]

Beverly: I'll say. My biggest problem with the Flash is that I just cannot get him to relax and he has trouble sleeping.

Lois Lane: Well, there's still a lot I don't know about Superman, I mean, he still won't told me his secret identity.

Lana Lang: Well, if he won't tell you his secret identity, maybe there's some other things that he's not telling you.

Lois Lane: [ironic] Ha ha ha. [doorbell rings] Oh, wait, I'll get it. Hang on a minute. Be right back. [goes to door and opens it] Hulk! [The green-skinned Incredible Hulk, carrying a cookie tin, enters] Come on in! [Hulk mutters and flexes his rather out-of-shape muscles] You crazy nut! [Lois gives the Hulk a hug and kiss] How are ya?

The Hulk: Hey, Lois! Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Lois Lane: How was the parade? Were you the Grand Marshall again?

The Hulk: Naw, the Green Lantern's turn this year. We rotate. One year ...

Lois Lane: Oh, yeah.

[The Hulk's wife, Cookie, enters, head bandaged, arm in a cast, and with a crutch for support]

Lois Lane: Cookie! Cookie Hulk! What happened to you?

Cookie Hulk: [annoyed] What do ya think happened? [sharply, to the Hulk] I swear, first thing Monday morning -- twin beds!

The Hulk: [grudgingly] Oh, all right. [to Lois] Oh, uh, we got a present for ya.

Lois Lane: What?

The Hulk: [opens lid of cookie tin] KRYPTONITE! [Lois jumps back startled as Hulk shuts lid and howls with laughter] Ah ha ha ha! Just kidding! [hands Lois the cookie tin] It's, uh, it's almond bark.

Lois Lane: It's almond bark?

The Hulk: Yeah, almond bark.

Lois Lane: [underwhelmed] Oh. [opens lid, looks inside] Thank you very much.

The Hulk: Hey, where's that invincible husband of yours, anyway, huh?

[Superman bounds in, to the delight of Lois, Cookie and the Hulk. Hulk hollers happily, moves toward him.]

Superman: [to Hulk] How's it goin'?

The Hulk: Superman! Howzit goin'?! [they shake hands, Hulk pretends Superman has a crushing grip] Ooh ooh ooh, let go, let go, let go! [they both crack up, the Flash enters and shakes hands with the Hulk] Hey, Flash!

The Flash: How ya doin'?

The Hulk: What are you two jokers doin' around here? Hey! [they playfully punch one another]

[Meanwhile, at the punch bowl, Lois fixes a drink for Cookie.]

Lois Lane: [snidely, to Lana] How are the cookies? Eating 'em all up yet?

Lana Lang: You know, I'm surprised Clark Kent isn't here.

Lois Lane: I hope he comes. I invited him.

Lana Lang: You know, it's funny.

Lois Lane: What?

Lana Lang: About Clark.

Lois Lane: What?

Lana Lang: Have you ever noticed how you never see Clark and the Flash together at the same time?

Lois Lane: [thinks about it] Hmm.

[Doorbell rings, the Flash moves to answer it.]

The Flash: I'll get it, Lois. [opens door, grunts and crouches as if putting his arm around someone] Sue Storm, the Invisible Girl! [laughs] Come on right in! [Spider-Man, looking rather thin, enters and shakes hands with Flash] Hey, Spider-Man! All right. [Spider-Woman, looking stunningly sexy, enters and gets a kiss and handshake from Flash] Spider-Woman. How are ya? Hey. [The Thing, huge and orange, must enter sideways] Ah, the Thing! All right! Come on in, join the party. [Antman, wearing a helmet with antennae, enters and shakes hands, but the Flash doesn't recognize him] Ah... Excuse me, I'm not sure if I remember your name. I'm really bad with names, you know.

Antman: [high-pitched voice] You don't remember me? We met several times. I is Antman. A-N-T-M-A-N.

The Flash: Oh, right, right.

Antman: Yeah.

The Flash: Uh, Antman.

Antman: Yeah.

The Flash: What are your super powers again? You - you - you talk to the ants, is that it?

Antman: Well, partly. But, mainly, I shrink myself down to the size of an ant while retaining my full human strength.

The Flash: Really?

Antman: Yeah.

The Flash: [sarcastic] Oooh, that's really impressive. Size of an ant with human strength. You must be able to clean house on those other ants, huh? [chuckles] Hey! Hey, Hulk! Hey, check this guy out.

[The Hulk joins them. He and the Flash can barely keep from laughing at poor Antman and can't help chortling in-between their heavily sarcastic remarks:]

The Hulk: Ooooh!

The Flash: He's got the strength of a human!

The Hulk: Antman, huh?! Where are your ants?

Antman: They're - they're at home, uh, in the ant farm.

The Hulk: Oh, better stay out of this guy's way.

The Flash: Oooh! Every molecule's quiverin' now!

Antman: I don't see what's so funny. There something wrong with being Antman? I mean, what's the joke? I don't see what's so--

The Hulk: Oh, great, great, Antman. Oh, excuse me. [joins Lois at punch bowl]

The Flash: [to Antman] Don't worry about it. We're just ribbin' ya.

The Hulk: Hey, Lois, uh, where's the can? Is it around here?

Lois Lane: Right over there.

The Hulk: Over there, huh?

[Whistling nonchalantly, the Hulk exits into the bathroom.]

Lois Lane: Wait, um ...

[A woman screams. The Hulk emerges hastily from the bathroom.]

The Hulk: All right! All right! Geez! Sorry! I'm sorry! Sorry I didn't see ya sittin' there on the pot, there. [to the folks at the punch bowl] Hey, if the Invisible Girl is gonna go to the bathroom, she should lock the door!

[The Hulk walks off and we center on Lois and Superman at the punch bowl:]

Lois Lane: [to Superman] I wonder where Clark Kent is.

Superman: Aw, don't worry about Clark. I have a feeling he'll show up some time tonight.

Lois Lane: Well, maybe I could call him and ask him to bring some ice. We're sort of running low on ice.

Superman: More ice?

Lois Lane: Yeah.

Superman: Excuse me for a minute, my love. I'll be right back.

Lois Lane: Okay.

[Superman bounds to the glass doors that open onto the balcony, opens them, licks his finger, puts it to the air to test the wind, then flies off. Meanwhile, Beverly and Cookie sit together, chatting:]

Beverly: Say, Cookie, the Hulk, uh, looks like he lost some weight.

Cookie Hulk: Yeah, but he's still, uh, way out of shape. I gotta get him to go on a diet this summer.

Beverly: Oh, boy. Did you see the love handles on the Flash? [At the punch bowl, the Flash smokes what may or may not be a cigarette while conversing with Antman and the Hulk; he offers them the butt and they each take a drag] He stopped smoking again and then he started smoking again and now he smokes six packs a day.

Cookie Hulk: Well, they're all letting themselves go. And, I mean, you know, who can blame them? I mean, since the Justice League of America wiped out all the super-villains, these guys have NOTHING to do!

Beverly: Tell me about it. Have you seen the Green Lantern? It's unbelievable. He looks like Orson Welles.

Cookie Hulk: [disgusted] Oh!

[Doorbell rings, Lois opens the door and Superman, in his secret identity as mild-mannered reporter Clark Kent, enters.]

Clark Kent: Hi, Lois.

Lois Lane: Oh, hi, Clark. God, I didn't know if you were gonna make it. I'm so glad you came.

Clark Kent: I'm afraid I can't stay too long, Lois. I gotta get back to the office. By the way, is Superman here?

Lois Lane: No, he flew out for some ice.

Clark Kent: Oh. So, Lois, I don't get to see you too much more now that you're married. Hey, must be great being married to the Man of Steel, huh? Ha ha ha ha! I guess he must be a terrific husband, huh? Ha ha!

Lois Lane: Clark ... can I confide in you?

Clark Kent: Well, of course you can, Lois.

Lois Lane: Well, I - I feel like I can talk to you, Clark, because I've known you for a long time, and from your article you seem to have such a high opinion of Superman but ...

Clark Kent: Uh huh?

Lois Lane: Clark. It's about Superman. I mean, I can't tell you how incredibly dull he is. I mean, he's so kindhearted and all that but he's so boring sometimes I think I'm gonna lose my mind.

Clark Kent: [devastated but tries to hide it] I - I - I'm surprised to hear that, Lois.

Lois Lane: It's not his fault, he's from Krypton. I mean, he's so just so straight though. You know, when we got married he was a virgin?

Clark Kent: So, what's so bad about that, both you being virgins?

Lois Lane: Oh, come on, Clark. I went out with the Hulk for six months.

Clark Kent: [stunned] You and - you and the Hulk, huh? Ha ha. That's funny. [laughs nervously] Ow. Does, uh, Superman know this?

Lois Lane: Well, I don't know. It never really came up. I - I don't think it'd bother him.

Clark Kent: Yeah, I'm sure it wouldn't matter to a guy like Superman. So, uh, does - does anyone else know about you and the Hulk?

Lois Lane: Well, sure. The Flash and Spider-Man and, uh, the Thing and, uh ...

Clark Kent: [nods in disbelief] Thing.

Lois Lane: I told Perry White, yeah, and, uh, Clark, I told-- Clark, what's the matter?

Clark Kent: [completely shaken] Uh ...

Lois Lane: Jimmy Olsen, I told--

Clark Kent: Yeah. I gotta cab waiting outside. Uh, I gotta go, I'm afraid.

Lois Lane: Oh, I'm sorry I laid this on you. I just had to get it off my chest.

Clark Kent: Oh, no, I - I love to listen, uh, thank you. 'Preciate it. Tell Superman I stopped by.

Lois Lane: Yeah, I'll tell him. Good night.

[Clark exits. Lois shuts the door behind him, then puts a hand to her mouth, looking worried. Meanwhile, at the closed bathroom door, the Flash is in the middle of a conversation with Lana and Antman:]

The Flash: ... You can't get art like that. You have to rent it or buy it outright. [knocks on bathroom door] Hey, Hulk! Hulk! Come on, you got a lot of people standin' out here in line. Come on!

The Hulk: [emerges from bathroom] All right, all right, take it easy!

[Lana, Antman and the Flash instantly react in horror to the awful smell that emerges with the Hulk.]

The Flash: Whoa! Whoa!

The Hulk: [annoyed at the reaction] Come on!

Lana Lang: Did something die in there? [She ignites her cigarette lighter and holds it to the door which the Flash shuts.]

The Hulk: Take it easy. It's not supposed to smell like roses. Come on.

The Flash: Light a blowtorch!

[Spider-Man and Spider-Woman stand on either side of the open balcony door.]

Spider-Woman: Up in the sky! It's a bird!

Spider-Man: It's a plane!

[Superman, still dressed as Clark Kent, lands on the balcony and enters, carrying a bag of ice. Still shaken by Lois' revelation, he has forgotten to change back into Superman.]

The Flash: It's ... It's Clark Kent!

Spider-Woman: [pointing at Clark] Of course!

The Flash: Of course! Clark Kent is Superman!

Clark Kent: [realizes too late that he wears the wrong clothes] Awww ... [quietly cursing himself for his stupidity] Dumb sssss....

[The guests register stunned reactions, openmouthed, scratching their heads in disbelief, amazed that they had never figured this out before.]

The Flash: That's it!

Clark Kent: [suddenly goes berserk] Okay, out! Get out! Everybody out! All right!

[Lois tries to placate Clark as the guests protest.]

The Hulk: What? Come on!

Clark Kent: [threatens the Hulk] Get out of here, Hulk!

The Hulk: [nervously moves away] All right, hey, hey!

Clark Kent: [angry, to the Flash] You knew all along, didn't you, Fl--?! Get out of here!

The Flash: Naw! I'm your buddy, pal!

Clark Kent: Everybody out of here!

[The guests crowd toward the door and exit. Clark dumps the ice in the punch bowl.]

Lois Lane: [tries to calm him] Clark! Clark!

[Clark turns and throws some ice at the Flash, then starts beating the Thing on his orange head as Beverly tries to intervene. A distraught Lois, hands to her face, watches from a safe distance as the guests depart.

[We pull back, off the spacious set, past cameras and boom microphones.]


Submitted Anonymously