Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 17







78q: Milton Berle / Ornette Coleman

On The Spot

Joan Face ... Jane Curtin
Irwin Mainway ... Dan Aykroyd

[Funky theme music. Graphic reads: ON THE SPOT - Dissolve to talk show host Joan Face and her clipboard.]

Joan Face: Good evening. I'm Joan Face and welcome to "On the Spot." Well, it's Spring and, across the country, outdoor amusement parks will be opening again and kids will be flocking to them, anxious to spend their nickels and dimes for an afternoon of thrills. Sounds innocent enough. But what worries us is the number of injuries and even fatalities that will take place at amusement parks because of shoddy construction, poorly supervised facilities and corrupt safety inspectors. With us tonight is a man who is no stranger to the "On the Spot" hot seat. He is the owner, operator and sole stockholder of one of the newest of these parks, Irwin Mainway's Kiddie Funworld of Rahway, New Jersey, Mr. Irwin Mainway.

Irwin Mainway: [with pencil-thin mustache, slicked-back greasy hair, sunglasses, dark three-piece suit, pinkie rings, smokes a cigarette] Thank you, Miss Face. [applause]

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, our investigative team has visited your park and brought back a deeply disturbing report. In short, they say, and I quote, "Never in the history of the leisure industry has there been such a threat to the health and welfare of our children as Irwin Mainway's Kiddie Funworld." End quote.

Irwin Mainway: Aw, now, Miss Face, is this just gonna be another one of your personal attacks?

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, isn't it true that, at Kiddie Funworld, you have a ride known as Thunder Plunge?

Irwin Mainway: Thunder Plunge is very, very popular with the kids.

Joan Face: Isn't it true that in this ride, you put small children into grocery shopping carts and send them careening down a steep incline into a gravel pit?

Irwin Mainway: I'd like to point out that each cart is equipped with a little foam cushion ... to cushion the kid.

Joan Face: I'll tell you what else the cart is equipped with, Mr. Mainway -- a little sign that reads "Property of A & P Food Stores - Do Not Remove from Parking Lot."

Irwin Mainway: Miss Face, A & P's out of business. I acquired the carts--

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, A & P is not out of business. It is a national chain with over thirty thousand stores.

Irwin Mainway: Well, the one in Rahway's out of business.

Joan Face: That's easy to check, Mr. Mainway. Now what about this Crack the Whip? As I understand it, in this ride, you put small children into a large burlap bag, tie it to a derrick and swing this bag of children round and round in circles until the rope frays and they are hurled into space.

Irwin Mainway: They land in a lake.

Joan Face: A writhing bag of frightened, helpless children flung into a lake?

Irwin Mainway: It's a thrill they'll never forget. I mean, you know, come on...

Joan Face: Just out of curiosity, Mr. Mainway, how many little children do you stuff into that bag?

Irwin Mainway: Uh, it varies. A bag can hold up to two hundred fifty pounds of kids.

Joan Face: I see. Mr. Mainway, why don't you tell us about the Ice Palace?

Irwin Mainway: The Ice Palace. It's a glittering, glistening winter wonderland of ice and snow.

Joan Face: No, it's not, Mr. Mainway. It's a collection of abandoned refrigerators.

Irwin Mainway: Come on, come on, you gotta use, you know, you gotta use a little bit of imagination. You don't have much imagination, Miss Face.

Joan Face: Oh, I have plenty of imagination. Right now I'm picturing little children trapped inside refrigerators, their pitiful little wails muffled by thick, white doors.

Irwin Mainway: Hey, hey, hey, come on, come on. I'm gonna hire a guy to check on them first thing in the morning. I'm gonna hire a guy to do that -- go 'round and check on 'em, you know.

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, explain, if you will, the Tunnel of Noxious Gases.

Irwin Mainway: Hey, okay, Miss Face, the Tunnel of Noxious Gases was a mistake. I'm not gonna sit here and lie to you. It didn't work out. We dropped it. Hey, I'm not God. You know.

Joan Face: What about this, Mr. Mainway? The Wild Mouse. Is that some kind of deadly roller coaster?

Irwin Mainway: No, Miss Face, it's exactly what it says -- a wild mouse. We put a kid in a pup tent with a wild mouse. What they do in there is their business. And we are very scrupulous about changing mice. A fresh mouse every five kids.

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, what might a small child find in your Pit of Many Wonders?

Irwin Mainway: Well, frankly, Miss Face, I haven't got the faintest idea. I was gonna go down there one day to check it out but I was wearing my white shoes.

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, I'm going to tell you exactly what I think of you, you piece of human garbage. You are the lowest slime that ever breathed. When I think that even the pinkie rings on your pudgy, greasy little fingers were paid for by the torment of innocent children, I retch. You are the very embodiment of evil.

Irwin Mainway: Okay, may I - may I just say something here, Miss Face? What youse just said makes you look bad, not me. I'm gonna be very interested to see the mail on this show.

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, as God is my witness, from this day forward, I devote my life to putting you behind bars.

Irwin Mainway: You know, Miss Face, I feel very sorry for you. You criticize what I do for a living. Well, let me tell you about what you do. What's so safe about your show? Say there's a little kid. He's running around the living room, your show's on TV, he runs right up into the TV set, it blows up, he dies! Okay, another little kid. He's not happy with the reception, your face is blurry, he fiddles with the aerial, he pokes his eye out - blind! You got a little kid in the bathtub, he's takin' a bath, watching your show, TV falls in the bathtub, electrocutes him -- tchtchtch -- fries! And the last thing that kid sees on earth in this life is your face, Miss Face, makin' fun of what somebody does for a living. Think about that, Miss Face!

Joan Face: That's all the time we have for "On the Spot."

Irwin Mainway: No, no, just a minute. Hold it, hold it, Miss Face, I want to add something here. That - that it's Irwin Mainway's Kiddie Funworld. That's Route Seventeen, past the Woodbridge exit in Rahway, New Jersey.

[Joan Face throws down her clipboard, screams, leaps from her chair and physically assaults Irwin Mainway, knocking him out of his chair to the floor where she attempts to strangle him. Dissolve to a wider view of the set with lights, cameras and technicians visible.]

[SUPER: "coming up next... The Taiwan Syndrome"]

[Fade.]


Submitted Anonymously


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