78q: Milton Berle / Ornette Coleman
On The Spot
Joan Face ... Jane Curtin
Irwin Mainway ... Dan Aykroyd
[Funky theme music. Graphic reads: ON THE SPOT -
Dissolve to talk show host Joan Face and her
Joan Face: Good evening. I'm Joan Face and welcome to
"On the Spot." Well, it's Spring and, across the
country, outdoor amusement parks will be opening again
and kids will be flocking to them, anxious to spend
their nickels and dimes for an afternoon of thrills.
Sounds innocent enough. But what worries us is the
number of injuries and even fatalities that will take
place at amusement parks because of shoddy
construction, poorly supervised facilities and corrupt
safety inspectors. With us tonight is a man who is no
stranger to the "On the Spot" hot seat. He is the
owner, operator and sole stockholder of one of the
newest of these parks, Irwin Mainway's Kiddie Funworld
of Rahway, New Jersey, Mr. Irwin Mainway.
Irwin Mainway: [with pencil-thin mustache,
slicked-back greasy hair, sunglasses, dark three-piece
suit, pinkie rings, smokes a cigarette] Thank you,
Miss Face. [applause]
Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, our investigative team has
visited your park and brought back a deeply disturbing
report. In short, they say, and I quote, "Never in the
history of the leisure industry has there been such a
threat to the health and welfare of our children as
Irwin Mainway's Kiddie Funworld." End quote.
Irwin Mainway: Aw, now, Miss Face, is this just gonna
be another one of your personal attacks?
Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, isn't it true that, at Kiddie
Funworld, you have a ride known as Thunder Plunge?
Irwin Mainway: Thunder Plunge is very, very popular
with the kids.
Joan Face: Isn't it true that in this ride, you put
small children into grocery shopping carts and send
them careening down a steep incline into a gravel pit?
Irwin Mainway: I'd like to point out that each cart is
equipped with a little foam cushion ... to cushion the
Joan Face: I'll tell you what else the cart is
equipped with, Mr. Mainway -- a little sign that reads
"Property of A & P Food Stores - Do Not Remove from
Irwin Mainway: Miss Face, A & P's out of business. I
acquired the carts--
Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, A & P is not out of business.
It is a national chain with over thirty thousand
Irwin Mainway: Well, the one in Rahway's out of
Joan Face: That's easy to check, Mr. Mainway. Now what
about this Crack the Whip? As I understand it, in this
ride, you put small children into a large burlap bag,
tie it to a derrick and swing this bag of children
round and round in circles until the rope frays and
they are hurled into space.
Irwin Mainway: They land in a lake.
Joan Face: A writhing bag of frightened, helpless
children flung into a lake?
Irwin Mainway: It's a thrill they'll never forget. I
mean, you know, come on...
Joan Face: Just out of curiosity, Mr. Mainway, how
many little children do you stuff into that bag?
Irwin Mainway: Uh, it varies. A bag can hold up to two
hundred fifty pounds of kids.
Joan Face: I see. Mr. Mainway, why don't you tell us
about the Ice Palace?
Irwin Mainway: The Ice Palace. It's a glittering,
glistening winter wonderland of ice and snow.
Joan Face: No, it's not, Mr. Mainway. It's a
collection of abandoned refrigerators.
Irwin Mainway: Come on, come on, you gotta use, you
know, you gotta use a little bit of imagination. You
don't have much imagination, Miss Face.
Joan Face: Oh, I have plenty of imagination. Right now
I'm picturing little children trapped inside
refrigerators, their pitiful little wails muffled by
thick, white doors.
Irwin Mainway: Hey, hey, hey, come on, come on. I'm
gonna hire a guy to check on them first thing in the
morning. I'm gonna hire a guy to do that -- go 'round
and check on 'em, you know.
Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, explain, if you will, the
Tunnel of Noxious Gases.
Irwin Mainway: Hey, okay, Miss Face, the Tunnel of
Noxious Gases was a mistake. I'm not gonna sit here
and lie to you. It didn't work out. We dropped it.
Hey, I'm not God. You know.
Joan Face: What about this, Mr. Mainway? The Wild
Mouse. Is that some kind of deadly roller coaster?
Irwin Mainway: No, Miss Face, it's exactly what it
says -- a wild mouse. We put a kid in a pup tent with
a wild mouse. What they do in there is their business.
And we are very scrupulous about changing mice. A
fresh mouse every five kids.
Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, what might a small child find
in your Pit of Many Wonders?
Irwin Mainway: Well, frankly, Miss Face, I haven't got
the faintest idea. I was gonna go down there one day
to check it out but I was wearing my white shoes.
Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, I'm going to tell you exactly
what I think of you, you piece of human garbage. You
are the lowest slime that ever breathed. When I think
that even the pinkie rings on your pudgy, greasy
little fingers were paid for by the torment of
innocent children, I retch. You are the very
embodiment of evil.
Irwin Mainway: Okay, may I - may I just say something
here, Miss Face? What youse just said makes you
look bad, not me. I'm gonna be very interested to see
the mail on this show.
Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, as God is my witness, from
this day forward, I devote my life to putting you
Irwin Mainway: You know, Miss Face, I feel very sorry
for you. You criticize what I do for a living. Well,
let me tell you about what you do. What's so
safe about your show? Say there's a little kid. He's
running around the living room, your show's on TV, he
runs right up into the TV set, it blows up, he dies!
Okay, another little kid. He's not happy with the
reception, your face is blurry, he fiddles with the
aerial, he pokes his eye out - blind! You got a little
kid in the bathtub, he's takin' a bath, watching your
show, TV falls in the bathtub, electrocutes him --
tchtchtch -- fries! And the last thing that kid
sees on earth in this life is your face, Miss
Face, makin' fun of what somebody does for a living.
Think about that, Miss Face!
Joan Face: That's all the time we have for "On the
Irwin Mainway: No, no, just a minute. Hold it, hold
it, Miss Face, I want to add something here. That -
that it's Irwin Mainway's Kiddie Funworld. That's
Route Seventeen, past the Woodbridge exit in Rahway,
[Joan Face throws down her clipboard, screams, leaps
from her chair and physically assaults Irwin Mainway,
knocking him out of his chair to the floor where she
attempts to strangle him. Dissolve to a wider view of
the set with lights, cameras and technicians visible.]
[SUPER: "coming up next... The Taiwan Syndrome"]