Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 19

78s: Maureen Stapleton / Linda Ronstadt, Phoebe Snow

Telepsychic Ray

Telepsychic Ray ... Dan Aykroyd
Caller #1 ... Laraine Newman
Caller #2 ... John Belushi
Caller #3 ... Bill Murray
Caller #4 ... Jane Curtin
Caller #5 ... Garrett Morris

[Ray, a blonde-haired, cigarette-smoking, oddly accented man -- wearing a brown plaid jacket, ultra-wide shirt collar, and pink sunglasses -- sits hunched in front of a pale brick wall beneath a sign that reads TELEPSYCHIC. A bank of telephones lies in front of him as he addresses the camera.]

Telepsychic Ray: Hi, welcome to Cable TV Channel D. This is Telepsychic. My name is Ray. I'll be taking your calls today. Here's the numbers: 555-1231, 2, 3, and 4, and 5. Ask me about anything, about life, money, love -- I'll predict for ya, okay? [answers phone] Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #1: Ah, yeah. I was, uh, wondering, uh, how old am I gonna live to?

Telepsychic Ray: Um, I feel, uh, seventy-four. Okay?

Caller #1: Okay, yeah, thanks.

Telepsychic Ray: Okay, thank you. [hangs up, answers another phone] Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #2: Yeah, uh, is this Telepsychic?

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah, yeah, go ahead, you're on live, go ahead.

Caller #2: Um, I have no proof but I got a feelin' my wife Lucille might be cheating on me. I was wondering if you have any thoughts on this.

Telepsychic Ray: Uh, I hate to be the one to tell you this ... but I'm getting an image which makes me think she's getting it on the side.

Caller #2: Oh, no. [savagely] Who is it?! I'll kill him!

Telepsychic Ray: All I can tell you is a name -- Dick. Okay?

Caller #2: Dick. Okay. Thank you.

Telepsychic Ray: All right. [hangs up, answers another phone] Hello, Telepsychic.

Caller #3: Is this Ray?

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah, this is Ray. You're on, go ahead.

Caller #3: Okay, about a year ago, I gave a construction company twelve thousand bucks down payment to build my house ...

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah.

Caller #3: ... and, uh, they put in a basement and I gave them another twelve thousand bucks.

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah.

Caller #3: And they stopped construction last September and they won't answer my phone calls now.

Telepsychic Ray: Uh huh.

Caller #3: Friend of mine tells me they're going bankrupt.

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah. Okay. When's your birthday?

Caller #3: May ... May twenty-fifth.

Telepsychic Ray: Well, you have this problem 'cause this is a bad time for you to do business.

Caller #3: So, uh, am I gonna get my money back?

Telepsychic Ray: Definitely not. No. Okay?

Caller #3: All right. Thank you.

Telepsychic Ray: [hangs up, answers another phone] Hello, Telepsychic. Go ahead.

Caller #4: Yeah, my brother left home and disappeared 'bout ten years ago and we haven't heard from him and I was wondering if you knew where he is.

Telepsychic Ray: Uh, yes. He was, uh, hit in the head with a rock and, uh, eaten by large cats ... and, uh, he was alone in Colorado, okay?

Caller #4: Okay, thank you.

Telepsychic Ray: Okay. [hangs up, answers another phone] Telepsychic. You're on, go ahead.

Caller #5: Yeah, like, man, you know, my favorite TV show is "Saturday Night Live" ...

Telepsychic Ray: Yeah.

Caller #5: ... you know? And I was wondering if they're going to change the way they start the show.

Telepsychic Ray: No, no, it's always gonna be "Live from New York, it's Saturday night."

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