Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 20








78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Mr. Bill Visits SNL

.....Mr. Bill
.....Jane Curtin
.....Dave Wilson
.....John Belushi

[ open on "The Mr. Bill Show" title card ]

Mr. Hands V/O: Hey, kids! It's time for "The Mr. Bill Show"!

[ card lifts to reveal Mr. Bill and Spot standing on set; Mr. Bill holds a "Saturday Night Live" show ticket in his hand, while Spot holds one in his mouth ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, boy! We're gonna have fun today! Because we're all gonna go see.. [ dramatic pause ] .."Saturday Night Live"! Yay! So, kids, if you're ready to go, let's hop in-

[ Mr. Hands appears in the scene ]

Mr. Hands: Say, Mr. Bill - can I go, too?

Mr. Bill: Oh, but, Mr. Hands, I only have two tickets, and I've been waiting all year for them!

Mr. Hands: But, Mr. Bill - you know they don't allow pets at the show. I'll take Spot's ticket..

Mr. Bill: Oh, no! Leave Spot alone!

Mr. Hands: Come on, Spot.. let go..

[ Mr. Hands tugs at the ticket from Spot's mouth, ultimately pulling it free along with Spot's head ]

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhh!!

Mr. Hands: See you later, Spot! Make sure you watch the house while we're gone.

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhh!! Ohhhh..

[ dissolve to 30 Rock exterior ]

Mr. Hands V/O: Well, here we are at NBC. And we'd better step on it, so we don't get caught in the last-minute rush. Here.. you go first.

[ Mr. Hands places Mr. Bill at the foot of the revolving door ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, no, wait! No, wait, no! Ohhhhhh!!!

[ Mr. Hands enters the revlving door, sending Mr. Bill flying headfirst into the NBC wall ]

[ quick cut to Sluggo sitting in a seat in the studio audience, an empty seat to his left ]

Mr. Hands: Say, there's only one seat left. Here. You take it.

[ Mr. Hands places Mr. Bill in the empty seat next to Sluggo ]

Mr. Bill: Oh, but.. but what's everyone waiting for? Why isn't the show starting?

Mr. Hands: Well, Mr. Bill, they're waiting for the traditional opening line.

Mr. Bill: Oh, right! You mean.. "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Niiiii.."

[ Mr. Hands sits on top of Mr. Bill, as the screen dissolves to SNL's opening montage: photos of the Statue of Liberty, the New York City skyline, the slow zoom of the "Saturday Night Live" logo painted on the wall outside of 30 Rock, when suddenly.. ]

Jane Curtin V/O: Hold it! Wait a minute! Stop it! Stop it! Just stop it, okay! Just stop it, Davey!

[ quick cut to the control room, where Jane Curtin looms over director Dave Wilson in a fiery rage ]

Dave Wilson: Janie, we're on the air, we've already started the show!

Jane Curtin: I don't care! I don't care! This is the last show of the fourth season! I've been here from the beginning, and not once have I said, "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night." The first year, it was always Chevy; he'd do one of his falls, then he'd open the show - fine! Then he got fired, we all agreed we'd take turns! I figured if we'd stay on the air long enough, I'd eventually get to open the show. But now, to be passed over in favor of.. Gumby.. some meaningless piece of Play-Doh! It's not fair!

Dave Wilson: Janie, what am I supposed to do? We're on the air..

Jane Curtin: You hear me?! It's just not fair, Davey! It' not right!

[ John Belushi enters the control room ]

John Belushi: She's right, Davey. She's absolutely right! I've bene working on this show, I've been watching her work since Day One.. and she is a real pro! Jane's a pro! She does her job, and she does it well! While the rest of us have gone on, and captured the hearts and minds of ?? public and the press.. Jane has gone on virtually unnoticed. I'm glad to see you asserting yourself, Jane; I admire you for that. I'm behind you 100%.

Jane Curtin: [ touched ] Well, thank you, John. That's really nice!

John Belushi: That's okay. [ turns to the camera ] "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

[ Jane pounds on John, as the opening montage starts anew ]


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