Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 20

78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Not For Transsexuals Only

Joan Face ... Jane Curtin
Lynn Hagstrom ... Laraine Newman
Chris Randolph ... Buck Henry

[GRAPHIC: NOT FOR TRANSSEXUALS ONLY - MUSIC: "Both Sides Now": "I've looked at life from both sides now / From give and take / And still somehow ..." - Dissolve to talk show set and host Joan Face.]

Joan Face: Good evening and welcome to "Not For Transsexuals Only" -- I'm Joan Face. Our guests today are both recent transsexuals. First, Chris Randolph, one of thousands of men who have opted for womanhood. [bespectacled guy in a wig, blouse and pantsuit with legs crossed] And Mr. Lynn Hagstrom, one of the few women ever to become a man. [mustachioed woman wearing necktie, legs spread apart] Lynn, yours was an extremely unusual operation. Can you tell us about it?

Lynn Hagstrom: Uh, yeah, Joan. It wasn't easy. I had to wait a year and a half until they found a male donor with the same color hair.

Joan Face: And, uh, for our donors' information, ah, that - that - uh - or for our viewers' information, that donor was, ah, Ms. Randolph. Lynn, what's it like suddenly being male?

Lynn Hagstrom: Well, it's, uh, it's quite an adjustment, I'd say. In my case, a big adjustment.

Chris Randolph: Thank you.

Joan Face: Chris, do you feel that you gave more to Lynn than - than he gave you?

Chris Randolph: Well, well, I did but I was glad to give it to someone who wanted it and who would take good care of it. I hate the idea of something like that going to waste.

Lynn Hagstrom: Yeah, and I - I did take Chris out for dinner.

Chris Randolph: In my case, a big dinner. [giggles girlishly]

Joan Face: Then we can conclude that you two see each other socially.

Lynn Hagstrom: Oh, sure, but we're just good friends.

Chris Randolph: We've decided not to get emotionally involved because when I'm around Lynn I feel sort of - detached.

Joan Face: Lynn, what was the first change that you noticed after the operation?

Lynn Hagstrom: Well, you know I get paid more for doing the same job?

Joan Face: Well, uh, have - have either of you had any second thoughts about switching genders?

Chris Randolph: Not at all. I love this year's clothes. The colors are so gutsy.

Joan Face: And how 'bout you, Lynn? Any regrets?

Lynn Hagstrom: Well, I think I miss getting taken out to dinner and having my cigarettes lit for me and - being slapped around a little.

Joan Face: Chris, what are your plans for the future?

Chris Randolph: Well, I guess I'm just an old-fashioned girl, Joan. I'm looking for Mr. Right.

Joan Face: And Lynn?

Lynn Hagstrom: Well, Joan, I'd like to, uh, pork as many broads as possible and ... then settle down with the one who really loves me.

Chris Randolph: Say, Joan, I've always wondered. Why are you the host of "Not For Transsexuals Only"?

Joan Face: Well, I used to be Edd "Kookie" Byrnes. That's it for this week. This is Joan Face saying: join us again next week on "Not For Transsexuals Only" when our guests will be Carol Channing and Wayne Newton.

[Applause. MUSIC: "Both Sides Now" - Joan shakes Chris' hand as we slowly zoom in on sign at back of set that reads: NOT FOR TRANSSEXUALS ONLY. Dissolve to bumper photo of Buck Henry in profile.]

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