Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 4: Episode 20

78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Olympia Cafe

Pete Dionasopolis.....John Belushi
George.....Dan Aykroyd
Nico Kardopita.....Bill Murray
Female Customer.....Gilda Radner
Sandy.....Laraine Newman
1st Cop.....Garrett Morris
2nd Cop.....Buck Henry
Mrs. Larrimore.....Jane Curtin

[On the front window of the Olympia Restaurant are the words: CLOSED - TAKE OUT ONLY. There is evidence of a recent fire: soot and smoke damage on the walls, the cash register, etc. Greek music plays quietly in the background throughout the sketch. The phone rings and the blustering, mustachioed owner, Pete, answers:]

Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] Hello, Olympia Restaurant. ... [yells to George, the cook] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! [throws a patty on the grill]

Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] No, no fries. Chip! ... [yells to Nico, the counterman who doesn't really understand English] Chip! Chip! Chip!

Nico: Chip! Chip! Chip!

Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] What to drink? ... No, no Pepsi. Coke. We switch! ... Okay. [yells to Nico] Coke! Coke! Coke!

Nico: Coke! Coke! Coke!

[Sandy the waitress, with no customers to wait on, sweeps the floor with a broom.]

Pete Dionasopolis: [into phone] Uh, ten minutes, all right? All right. [hangs up]

Female Customer: [enters cautiously through the front door - the "CLOSED" sign faces the street and the words "TAKE OUT ONLY" are scrawled on the taped-up glass] Hi, Pete.

Pete Dionasopolis: [joins her by the door] Oh, we're closed today, honey. I'm sorry, we're not open. Only "to go."

Female Customer: Oh, I-I know. I just stopped by to say I was sorry to hear about the fire.

Pete Dionasopolis: Yeah.

Female Customer: How did it start?

Pete Dionasopolis: [looks uncomfortable] Ahhhh ... Sparks, I think, uh...

Female Customer: Yeah.

Pete Dionasopolis: [shrugs] I don't know.

Female Customer: Well, uh, do you have any insurance?

Pete Dionasopolis: Oh, sure, I got insurance.

Female Customer: Oh, good.

Sandy: [pauses in her sweeping] Yes, it's a good thing Nico came home from the movies early, you know, the fireman, he say that, uh, if he come ten minutes later, the whole place would have burned down. [continues sweeping as Pete and the customer move to the counter]

Female Customer: Aww ... Well, uh-- [sees Nico's bandaged arm] Oh! Is that how he burned his arm?

Pete Dionasopolis: No, he burned it while he-- He was - he was hitting the alarm box, on the glass.

Nico: [mournfully] Yeah. [puts lids on some Cokes and bags them]

Female Customer: Well, um, when you fix the place up, ya gonna do anything different?

Pete Dionasopolis: [points] Sure, we gonna have a big salad bar over there, then we're gonna knock down the wall for more tables.

Female Customer: Oh.

Pete Dionasopolis: Yeah, it's gonna be real nice. What to go?

Female Customer: Oh, uh, I'll just have the usual.

Pete Dionasopolis: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger!

Pete Dionasopolis: [yells to Nico] Coke! Chip!

Nico: Coke! Chip!

Pete Dionasopolis: All right.

[Two police officers enter, Pete joins them at the door]

1st Cop: Well ... we knew that a little thing like a fire would not keep you guys closed.

2nd Cop: I think we'll have two large Cokes to go.

1st Cop: Yeah, and some chips.

Pete Dionasopolis: Coke! Coke! Chip! Chip!

Nico: Coke! Coke! Chip! Chip!

2nd Cop: Yeah, it doesn't smell much different in here.

Female Customer: No. Smells like burnt rubber, doesn't it?

2nd Cop: Yeah, it might even smell a little better than usual.

[Nico brings the cops their order and they head out the door]

2nd Cop: See ya.

Pete Dionasopolis: [with a dismissive wave] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Female Customer: Hey, uh, Pete, you forgot to take their money.

Pete Dionasopolis: Policemen don't pay!

Female Customer: Why not?

Pete Dionasopolis: It's bad luck!

Female Customer: What is it, some kind of Greek superstition?

Pete Dionasopolis: It's an old superstition. If you don't give a policeman free food, they won't come when they need you-- when you need them.

Female Customer: Oh ho!

George: [hands customer her order] Cheeseburger.

Female Customer: By the way, could I have some ketchup with this?

George: Sure. [gingerly picks up a charred plastic ketchup bottle by the thumb and forefinger and hands it to her]

Female Customer: Well, that's all right. [drops it with disgust on counter]

Pete Dionasopolis: [rings cash register] All right, uh, two twenty-eight, honey.

Female Customer: All right.

[Mrs. Larrimore, a woman in a trenchcoat enters.]

Mrs. Larrimore: Uh, Mr. Dionasopolis?

Pete Dionasopolis: [joins her at door] Maybe yes, maybe no.

Mrs. Larrimore: I'm Mrs. Larrimore. I'm the adjuster from Universal Insurance Company.

Pete Dionasopolis: Ah! Please come in! [guides her to a stool at the counter] I - I am Pete Dionasopolis. You know, I'm sorry, but maybe I thought you were from the Health Board, you know?

Female Customer: Well, bye everybody! And, Pete, I'm looking forward to seeing the new salad bar. [exits]

Pete Dionasopolis: [uncomfortable at mention of salad bar in the presence of the insurance adjuster who is busy pulling out a folder with paperwork] Oh, heh heh heh. [to Mrs. Larrimore] Ah! You want something to drink? Coke?

Nico: [thinks an order has been made] Coke! [Pete gives him a look, Nico fixes a Coke]

Mrs. Larrimore: No, thank you.

Pete Dionasopolis: All right. Look what happened to my beautiful restaurant! Everything is gone!

Nico: [puts a Coke on counter for Mrs. Larrimore] Coke. [But nobody is paying attention]

Mrs. Larrimore: Is this the first time you've ever had a fire in your restaurant?

Pete Dionasopolis: No, uh, 'bout five years ago, I had one when I was with another insurance company.

Mrs. Larrimore: And what was the cause of that fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: [We get the sense throughout his exchange with Mrs. Larrimore that Pete is not exactly being honest with her] Unknown, uh ... They think it was maybe sparks.

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, I see. Now, would it be possible for you in the next few days to make a general list of items that were destroyed or damaged in the fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: Sure! [has the list ready, reaches for it on counter] Yes. Here it is. [hands list to Mrs. Larrimore]

Mrs. Larrimore: [impressed] Oh! You've already done it.

Pete Dionasopolis: Ah, yes.

Mrs. Larrimore: [scans the list] Ahhh!

Pete Dionasopolis: Everything! All my plates, all my dishes, everything is ruined -- everything!

Mrs. Larrimore: [reads the list] Five hundred dollars worth of paper napkins destroyed in the fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: It was a two year supply, you know, we lost them all. Oh ho, gee, boy.

Mrs. Larrimore: Two hundred dollars for picture of Spiro Agnew?

Pete Dionasopolis: It was autographed!

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, okay. Uh ... I don't see any personal items here. Did you lose anything like, uh, oh, umbrellas or golf clubs or anything like that?

Pete Dionasopolis: Yes!

Mrs. Larrimore: What?

Pete Dionasopolis: Uh ... golf clubs.

Mrs. Larrimore: Golf clubs?

Pete Dionasopolis: Yeah.

Mrs. Larrimore: And, uh, what would you estimate the value of the golf clubs?

Pete Dionasopolis: Uhhhh, it's hard to say, uh ...

Mrs. Larrimore: Two hundred?

Pete Dionasopolis: Four.

Mrs. Larrimore: Four hundred dollars? They must have been very good clubs.

Pete Dionasopolis: Ah, yes.

Mrs. Larrimore: Did any of your, uh, your employees lose any personal belongings?

Pete Dionasopolis: Yes! Everybody! Everybody! [gestures for the other employees to gather around, they join him]

Mrs. Larrimore: Everybody lost something in the fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: Mm, yes.

Mrs. Larrimore: What?

Pete Dionasopolis: Golf clubs.

Mrs. Larrimore: You all lost golf clubs in the fire?

Pete Dionasopolis: [nudges a reluctant Sandy to play along, nods to Nico and George who nod back uncomprehendingly] Yes! Yes. Everybody. You see, we all golf together, you know, that's why we have to keep them here.

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, what a shame.

Pete Dionasopolis: Yes, well ...

Mrs. Larrimore: Well, I'm going to have to have the names and addresses of all your employees. [to Nico] Uh, why don't you start? Your, uh, last name first.

Pete Dionasopolis: His name is Kardopita. Nico. [Sandy and George move off as Nico stands grinning and nodding] Uh, here, I'll write it for you. [takes pen from Mrs. Larrimore and writes name in her folder]

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh, good. And his address.

Pete Dionasopolis: Oh, he lives here. He lives in the back. He sleeps in the back.

Mrs. Larrimore: [points to floor] He lives HERE?

Pete Dionasopolis: [gestures] Not HERE, he lives THERE, by the sink.

Mrs. Larrimore: Oh ... [laughs, closes folder, puts it away, shakes her head] I'm very sorry, Mr. Dionasopolis, but your policy clearly states that if the, uh, if the premises is used as a residence, then you have void your policy. I'm sorry.

Pete Dionasopolis: [gestures to Nico] Okay, forget about his golf clubs! [gestures to Sandy] Sandy, you go next! Come on!

Mrs. Larrimore: [rises] Ah, no, no, no, no. You don't seem - you don't seem to understand, Mr. Dionasopolis. By permitting your business establishment to be used as a residence, you have violated your rights for coverage. I'm afraid I won't be able to help you, after all. [hands Pete a business card] If you have any further questions, you can speak to an arbitrator. His number is on this card. I'm very sorry.

[Mrs. Larrimore exits. Sandy, broom in hand, watches a frustrated Pete as he sits on a counter stool and exhales deeply. He is still brooding as the two police officers return to scam more free food.]

2nd Cop: Well, we're still hungry, so we thought we'd drop in to say hello again.

1st Cop: [to 2nd Cop] Yeah, how many are you gonna have, huh, Norm?

2nd Cop: I think I'll have two.

1st Cop: Yeah, I think I'll have, uh, two, too.

[Pete stares at them for a moment, then turns away. Realizing Pete is too upset to deal with the cops, Sandy yells out to George:]

Sandy: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

George: [throws patties on grill] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!

2nd Cop: And, uh, give us some chips.

1st Cop: Yeah, an' a couple o' Cokes.

Sandy: [yells to Nico] Chip! Chip! Coke! Coke!

Nico: Chip! Chip! Coke! Coke!

George: Pete, no insurance money, what - what we gonna do now?

Pete Dionasopolis: What else? We're Greeks. We ... DANCE!

[The Greek music grows louder as Pete rises, lifts arms in the air, throws business card away, and starts dancing as the others watch in amazement]

Pete Dionasopolis: DANCE! EVERYBODY DANCE!

[Everyone, including the cops, raises their arms and, holding hands above their heads, the group dances in a line around the set. Dissolve to wider view of set showing cameras, lights, applauding audience, etc. SUPER: coming up next... Land Of The Giant Transistors. Fade.]

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