78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler
Uncle Roy....Buck Henry
[ open on interior living room, as Betty answers the door to the notorious Uncle Roy ]
Betty: Oh, Roy! Come on in! It's good to see you! Oh, the girls are so excited that you're babysitting for them tonight!
Uncle Roy: Hi, Betty. I hope I'm not too early.
Betty: Oh, no.. we were just getting ready to get going.
[ Terri and Tracey suddenly come running and screaming down the stairs to greet their Uncle Roy, who is just as excited to see them in return ]
Terri & Tracy: Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!
Uncle Roy: Hello, my little darlings! Hello, my little darlings!
Betty: Well, they're pretty excited to see you, no doubt about it! Roy, you are their favorite babysitter.
Tracy: Oh, Uncle Roy! Can we play Slide Down The Banister with Mary Poppins, and you push us down with the umbrella?
Betty: Oh, now stop being silly, Tracy! I don't know where they get these ideas, Roy!
Uncle Roy: Now, girls, why don't you go upstairs, and get into your little beds, and Uncle Roy will be up soon to "tuck" you in and tell you a bedtime story.
Terri: Oh! Will you tell us the story about Eddie the Eel and Debbie the Donut!
Uncle Roy: Uhhh.. I, uh.. not if you say another word, I won't, no.
[ Terri and Tracey quickly run upstairs to get ready ]
Betty: I don't know what your secret is!
Uncle Roy: I guess I just love children!
[ Arthur enters, dressed rather sleazy in a tan leather jacket and open dress shirt ]
Arthur: Hi there, Roy. How's the pharmacy business treating you?
Uncle Roy: Oh, I can't complain!
Arthur: I hope you're not going to give me any argument over being paid tonight, now?
Uncle Roy: No, no! I wouldn't dream of taking money for it!
Arthur: I don't understand you, Roy! [ chuckles ] If I were still a bachelor, you'd never catch me watching a pair of brats for free.
Betty: Roy, you're too good!
Uncle Roy: Really, it's my pleasure! So, anyway.. what movie are you two off to tonight?
Arthur: Yeah. For the second time.
Betty: You know, Roy, it really was an immoral war.
Arthur: I'll go warm up the wagon. [ exits the house ]
Betty: Now, there's fresh Mr. Coffee, and there's Sara Lee in the fridge. We should be back about eleven. Okay?
Uncle Roy: Okay.
Betty: And don't let those little monsters take advantage of you.
Uncle Roy: Oh, really.. it's my pleasure! Have fun yourselves!
[ Betty exits the house, as Uncle Roy carefully removes a Polaroid camera hidden inside his jacket and creeps steathily up the stairs ]
[ cut to Terri and Tracy sitting on their bed, reminiscing about nights past with Uncle Roy ]
Terri: You think Uncle Roy will let us play Invisible Leg Doctor?
Tracy: Oh, maybe. Remember when Uncle Roy played Pirate, and he was the island, and we had to search him for the buried treasure?
Tracy: That was fun!
Terri: And then we found candies all over him!
Tracy: Oh, that was fun, too!
[ Uncle Roy enters the bedroom, with his Polaroid camera secured around his neck ]
Terri: Oh, boy!
Uncle Roy: Yo ho ho, and a bottle of rum!
Tracy: Oh! I'm Long John Silver! I'm gonna search him for the buried treasure!
[ Tracy and Terri frantically feel all around Uncle Roy's pockets, in a mad search for candy ]
Uncle Roy: [ ecstatically ] Search me! Search me! Search me! Look everywhere! Keep looking!
Terri: [ squealing happily ] I found an Almond Joy!
Uncle Roy: Keep looking, me hardies! you haven't found the Mounds yet!
[ the girls continue to feel up Uncle Roy's pockets ]
Tracy: Here it is! Here it is! I found it! I found it!
Uncle Roy: Okay, okay! now, who wants to play "Simon Says"?
Terri & Tracy: Me!! Me!! Me!! Me!!
Uncle Roy: Okay. Now.. Simon Says.. "Touch your nose."
[ the girls touch their noses ]
Uncle Roy: Simon Says.. "Touch your toes."
[ the girls touch their toes ]
Uncle Roy: Simon Says.. "Touch the hem of your nighties."
[ the girls touch the hem of their nighties ]
Uncle Roy: Simon Says.. "Grab onto the hem, and raise your arms!"
[ the girls grab the hems of their nighties and raise their arms, though not very high ]
Uncle Roy: Higher! Higher!
Tracy: You forgot to say "Simon Says!"
Uncle Roy: Oh! Simon says, "Higher! Higher!"
[ the girls raise their nighties high enough to please Uncle Roy, revealing their panties; Uncle Roy quickly snaps a few Polaroids and stuffs them into his pocket before the girls catch on ]
Terri: Hey, Uncle Roy, we can't eat our candy bars with our nighties over our heads..
Uncle Roy: Okay, okay.. Simon Says, "Put your nighties slowly down."
[ the girls lower their nighties slowly, catching Uncle Roy digging through their dirty laundry basket and holding a couple pairs of soiled panties ]
Tracy: Oh, we played Laundry Inspector last time! Can't we play a new game?
Uncle Roy: Oh! Oh, yes! Yes! I'm sorry..
Terri: Hey! Look at me! I'm a rubber lady in the circus! Look! [ lays on her back, and bends her legs up in the air ]
Uncle Roy: Ohhh, I'm looking! [ snaps a quick Polaroid ]
Tracy: Uncle Roy, I'm a lion! [ growls ferociously ]
Terri: And I'm a tiger!
Uncle Roy: And I'm the lion tamer! [ slyly suggestive ] I sure hope these ferocious jungle cats don't turn on me right this second and jump on top of me!
[ naturally, to Uncle Roy's sheer delight, the girls begin to jump on top of him, crawling all over him and play-biting his legs ]
Uncle Roy: Ohh, the pain! Ohh, it hurts! Ohhh!
Terri: Uncle Roy. You promised to tell us a story..
Uncle Roy: Oh, oh.. well, no story until you're tucked in. So, climb into bed, so Uncle Roy can start tucking!
[ the girls quickly jump into their beds ]
Tracy: Oh, tuck me in first, Uncle Roy.
Uncle Roy: Okay. Now, just settle down for the night! [ tucks Tracy into bed by grabbing at her under her blanket ] It's time for you both to get tucked in! [ tucks Terri into bed by grabbing at her under her blanket ]
Terri: [ laughing ] That tickles!
Tracy: Come on, we want our story!
Uncle Roy: Well.. did I ever tell you the story of the.. wicked Tickle Maniac?
Terri: [ giggling ] No!
Tracy: Tell us!
Uncle Roy: "Once upon a time, in the kingdom of Ickle Pickle, there lived a wicked Tickle Maniac, who tickled so many little girls, that the judge sentenced him to Tickle jail. But he escaped, and went into a rampage throughout the kingdom, and there was only one thing little girls like you could do to stop him."
Tracy: What's that, Uncle Roy?
Uncle Roy: Get their little jump ropes, and tie him up! [ the girls don't move ] Oh, no! I feel a.. tickle fit coming on!
Terri: Oh, no!
Tracy: We better get our jump ropes out!
[ the girls quickly jump out of bed and grab their jump ropes ]
Uncle Roy: Oh! I hope they're gonna tie me up with their little jump ropes! Oh! Oh!
[ the girls raise Uncle Roy's arms to the end of each of their bedposts, and tie him tightly to it ]
Uncle Roy: Oh! Next, they'll be beating me, and hitting me with things!
[ the girls are satisfied with their efforts to tie Uncle Roy to the bedposts ]
Uncle Roy: "What Terri and Tracey didn't realize was, that the wicked Tickle Maniac could still cry out for help, because they forgot to put their little socks in his mouth and secure them with their little pink ballet tights!"
Tracy: We can do that!
[ the girls quickly grab their socks and pink ballet tights, and stuff them in and around Uncle Roy's mouth ]
Tracy: There you go! Wow, at last, the kingdom is saved!
Terri: Yeah! Now, we can fall asleep in peace!
[ the lights go out ]
Tracy: Good night, Terri!
Terri: Good night, Tracey!
Together: Good night, Uncle Roy!
Uncle Roy: [ says "Good night", but it comes out muffled ]
[ dissolve to wide shot of the set, audience, etc. ]
[ SUPER: "Coming up next: Disco Mafiosa" ]
[ fade ]