78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
... Jane Curtin
... Bill Murray
... Garrett Morris
Roseanne Roseannadanna ... Gilda Radner
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with
the Weekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersons
Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: [behind her a clock, labeled
CLOCK, reads 12:05 a.m.] Good evening. I'm Jane
Curtin. Here now the news. Our top story
California senator S. I. Hayakawa slept soundly
through a Senate SALT briefing this week. Senator Alan
Cranston said, quote, "His eyes were closed, his head
was nodding and others allege he was snoring." End
quote. Hayakawa reportedly commented later, "I need my
sleep. Poor people don't need sleep - because they're
not working and they don't get tired." ...
A Pennsylvania dairy farmer says that nineteen of his
cows have died from radiation poisoning since the
Three Mile Island nuclear accident last month. Other
local residents report the continuing deaths of
household pets such as dog, cats, birds - [photo of
child looking at a tiny prostrate elephant] - and even
the Harrisburg Zoo's five-ton elephant Betsy ... who
was reduced by radiation shrinkage to the size of a
Labrador retriever. ...
Bill Murray: [who also sits in front of a clock
labeled CLOCK] This week, Congress approved
legislation to have a special gold medal struck in
honor of John Wayne. The ailing Wayne said, "Shucks,
all I did was ride a few horses, kiss a few women, and
kill a few redskins and gooks." ... John Wayne,
[Photo of Pierre Trudeau frowning but giving a "thumbs
up" sign] Former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Elliot
Trudeau, shown here hitchhiking home to Montreal after
last Tuesday's elections, conceded the contest to
conservative Joe Clark who had been referred to as
"Joe Who?" Traditionalist Clark, taking over the
government this week, insisted that his title will
officially be "Prime Minister Who?" ... And, in
following the trend set by her predecessor, the
new Prime Minister's wife immediately flew to New York
to celebrate at Studio 54 where she was seen
arm-in-arm with none other than Tony Orlando himself.
[doctored photo of a grinning Tony Orlando with his
arm around the prime minister's wife] ...
Last year, the Rolling Stones album "Some Girls" was
attacked by black leaders as being racist and it seems
that time has not diminished the furor over it, as it
was recently the subject of a speech delivered by the
Reverend Jesse Jackson at an event celebrating the
25th anniversary of the Supreme Court's desegregation
decision. Here to comment is Update's token
sociologist, Garrett Morris. ...
[Polite applause for a bespectacled Garrett Morris who
looks dapper and dicty in a suit and tie.]
Garrett Morris: [dignified, dripping with
snooty condescension] Now, I'd like to speak about the
subject of a certain Mick Jagger - of the
Rolling Stones. ... And I'm going to talk about
the song he sang -- a song in which he sings these
very words: "Black girls - just want to have
sex - all night long." ...
Now, Mr. Jagger, there is only one question I want to
ask you -- Jaggs. ... And you better have the
answer, man, you better have the answer, since you
have besmirched the character of black women.
Therefore, here is my question, Jaggs. [pause, takes
off eyeglasses, suddenly drops the pose, pleading]
Where are all of these black broads, man? ...
[huge cheers and applause] Hey, like, where ARE they,
baby? You got any phone numbers for me, baby? ...
Please send 'em to me. [puts glasses back on,
dignified again] Thank you. ... [enthusiastic
Jane Curtin: A familiar sight to TV viewers,
the old NBC Peacock was redesigned and unveiled by NBC
this week. Aside from a little streamlining, the major
change was in cutting off the peacock's legs. ...
However, our inside sources tell us that the legs
weren't all that was removed - since the bird is now
known as the NBC Capon. ...
Bill Murray: The movement to draft Ted Kennedy
for president has begun a full eighteen months before
the 1980 election. Impatient Democrats have already
started unauthorized "Draft Kennedy" movements in New
Hampshire, Iowa, Ohio and Minnesota. Kennedy has said
privately that he will never run for president while
his mother, Rose Kennedy, is alive. Well, impatient
Democrats have already begun arrangements to send the
89-year-old matriarch off to visit Jimmy Hoffa
sometime before the New Hampshire primary. ...
Jane Curtin: Because of the scarcity of
gasoline, the National Safety Council predicts that
there will be fewer cars on the road this holiday
weekend. Here to comment further on this situation is
correspondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.
[Huge cheers and applause for the loud Latina woman
with the increasingly frizzy hair.]
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot! Thanks a
lot, Jane! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New
Jersey sent me this Memorial Day limerick that
Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,
This weekend is boring for me.
I gotta stay home in Fort Lee.
Having no gas, I declare,
Is a pain in the rear
'Cause you can't say "ass" on TV. ...
Well, Mr. Feder ... I didn't know you AND Nipsey
Russell were livin' in New Jersey. ... But I know
exactly what you're goin' through 'cause this weekend,
I -- Roseanne Roseannadanna -- was plannin' on drivin'
out to the beach. But now, I have to stay home in my
apartment and sweat like a dog! ... And you know
somethin'? I love goin' to the beach on
Memorial Day -- 'cause you get to see a lot of pink
and white and real pale people with stuff on 'em
that's been growin' under their clothes all winter!
... Like, they got little pimples and bumps and rashes
and clumps of tiny hairs on their backs and legs and
you don't WHAT they are! ...
But I remember last Memorial Day, I went out to Jones
Beach. And I was havin' a great time swimmin' and
lyin' on my towel and soakin' up the sunshine and
lookin' like a little doll ... when who - who
do I see on the beach but Miss Weekend Update
herself, Jane Curtin! [cheers and applause as we
pan to include an increasingly self-conscious Jane]
That's right! Little Jane! And she looks so cute in
her black bathing suit with her bubbly, chubby little
thighs! ... And those little thighs still had the
little underwear marks from when she changed in the
car and everything. ... So I yelled, "Hey! Jane! What
are you doin' at Jones Beach?!"
But Jane wasn't listenin' to me. And you know why?
'Cause she musta had this big lump o' wet sand in the
bottom of her bathing suit that was like a bulge that
itches. ... Well, Jane - Jane kept stickin' her hand
in her pants tryin' to get the sand out and then
flickin' it away! ... And she was - she was there on
the beach and she was jumpin' up and down and around,
and flickin' sand out of her bathing suit. [Jane,
deeply embarrassed, tries to remain calm by twisting a
paper clip out of shape] And no matter what Jane did
-- when she was walkin', when she was buyin' ice cream
or playin' Frisbee or anything -- she just kept
flickin' at her bathing suit bottom. She just wouldn't
take her hands out of her pants! ... I thought she had
a fish in there or somethin'! ... [applause]
So, anyways, I yelled, "Hey! Jane! Quit flickin' at
yourself! What are you tryin' to do?! Make me sick?!"
... Well, I couldn't believe the way she--
Jane Curtin: Roseanne, shut up!
Roseanne Roseannadanna: [makes a face] ...
Well, what's with you, Miss Jane?
Jane Curtin: Roseanne, people -- all sorts of
people have little odd things that happen to them. Why
do you insist on coming on and straying from the
subject to talk about some disgusting innuendoes? This
man asked you about the gas shortage.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it just
goes to show ya. It's always somethin'! If it's not
one thing, it's another! Either you don't have gas or
you got a lump of wet sand in the bottom of your
bathing suit. ... You know, it's just like the little
song that my father used to sing to me before I went
to bed at night. It's a song about you, Jane!
And it was recorded in 1956 by the Roseannadanna
Brothers. ... And it goes like this:
[snaps her fingers and sings screechily, to the tune
of the Everly Brothers' hit song "All I've Got to Do
When I need you to be my friend
When I need favors I can depend
Whenever I want you
All I got to yell is "Ja-a-a-a-ane!"
[puts a friendly arm around Jane who smiles, won
I sure think you're fine
I say it all the time
I think that you're a real peach!
The only trouble is
You make me sick on the beach! ... [Jane's face
I need you so, I wanna die!
You got some stuff there in your eye! ...
Do you wanna Kleenex? [grabs a tissue and offers
it to a disgusted Jane]
Here, you can use this Kleenex, Ja-a-a-a-ane!
[Jane pushes the tissue away]
Jane Curtin: Good night, my little Roseanne
Roseannadanna. [Roseanne wipes Jane's cheek with the
tissue, Jane slaps her hand away] That's the news.
Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: [waves into camera]
[Huge cheers and applause, cut to a wide shot of the
desk and fade.]