Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 20










78t: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

... Jane Curtin
... Bill Murray
... Garrett Morris
Roseanne Roseannadanna ... Gilda Radner

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with the Weekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: [behind her a clock, labeled CLOCK, reads 12:05 a.m.] Good evening. I'm Jane Curtin. Here now the news. Our top story tonight:

California senator S. I. Hayakawa slept soundly through a Senate SALT briefing this week. Senator Alan Cranston said, quote, "His eyes were closed, his head was nodding and others allege he was snoring." End quote. Hayakawa reportedly commented later, "I need my sleep. Poor people don't need sleep - because they're not working and they don't get tired." ...

A Pennsylvania dairy farmer says that nineteen of his cows have died from radiation poisoning since the Three Mile Island nuclear accident last month. Other local residents report the continuing deaths of household pets such as dog, cats, birds - [photo of child looking at a tiny prostrate elephant] - and even the Harrisburg Zoo's five-ton elephant Betsy ... who was reduced by radiation shrinkage to the size of a Labrador retriever. ...

Bill?

Bill Murray: [who also sits in front of a clock labeled CLOCK] This week, Congress approved legislation to have a special gold medal struck in honor of John Wayne. The ailing Wayne said, "Shucks, all I did was ride a few horses, kiss a few women, and kill a few redskins and gooks." ... John Wayne, American. ...

[Photo of Pierre Trudeau frowning but giving a "thumbs up" sign] Former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Elliot Trudeau, shown here hitchhiking home to Montreal after last Tuesday's elections, conceded the contest to conservative Joe Clark who had been referred to as "Joe Who?" Traditionalist Clark, taking over the government this week, insisted that his title will officially be "Prime Minister Who?" ... And, in following the trend set by her predecessor, the new Prime Minister's wife immediately flew to New York to celebrate at Studio 54 where she was seen arm-in-arm with none other than Tony Orlando himself. [doctored photo of a grinning Tony Orlando with his arm around the prime minister's wife] ...

Last year, the Rolling Stones album "Some Girls" was attacked by black leaders as being racist and it seems that time has not diminished the furor over it, as it was recently the subject of a speech delivered by the Reverend Jesse Jackson at an event celebrating the 25th anniversary of the Supreme Court's desegregation decision. Here to comment is Update's token sociologist, Garrett Morris. ...

[Polite applause for a bespectacled Garrett Morris who looks dapper and dicty in a suit and tie.]

Garrett Morris: [dignified, dripping with snooty condescension] Now, I'd like to speak about the subject of a certain Mick Jagger - of the Rolling Stones. ... And I'm going to talk about the song he sang -- a song in which he sings these very words: "Black girls - just want to have sex - all night long." ...

Now, Mr. Jagger, there is only one question I want to ask you -- Jaggs. ... And you better have the answer, man, you better have the answer, since you have besmirched the character of black women. Therefore, here is my question, Jaggs. [pause, takes off eyeglasses, suddenly drops the pose, pleading] Where are all of these black broads, man? ... [huge cheers and applause] Hey, like, where ARE they, baby? You got any phone numbers for me, baby? ... Please send 'em to me. [puts glasses back on, dignified again] Thank you. ... [enthusiastic applause]

Jane Curtin: A familiar sight to TV viewers, the old NBC Peacock was redesigned and unveiled by NBC this week. Aside from a little streamlining, the major change was in cutting off the peacock's legs. ... However, our inside sources tell us that the legs weren't all that was removed - since the bird is now known as the NBC Capon. ...

Bill?

Bill Murray: The movement to draft Ted Kennedy for president has begun a full eighteen months before the 1980 election. Impatient Democrats have already started unauthorized "Draft Kennedy" movements in New Hampshire, Iowa, Ohio and Minnesota. Kennedy has said privately that he will never run for president while his mother, Rose Kennedy, is alive. Well, impatient Democrats have already begun arrangements to send the 89-year-old matriarch off to visit Jimmy Hoffa sometime before the New Hampshire primary. ...

Jane?

Jane Curtin: Because of the scarcity of gasoline, the National Safety Council predicts that there will be fewer cars on the road this holiday weekend. Here to comment further on this situation is correspondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.

[Huge cheers and applause for the loud Latina woman with the increasingly frizzy hair.]

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot! Thanks a lot, Jane! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey sent me this Memorial Day limerick that says:

Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,

This weekend is boring for me.
I gotta stay home in Fort Lee.
Having no gas, I declare,
Is a pain in the rear
'Cause you can't say "ass" on TV. ...

Well, Mr. Feder ... I didn't know you AND Nipsey Russell were livin' in New Jersey. ... But I know exactly what you're goin' through 'cause this weekend, I -- Roseanne Roseannadanna -- was plannin' on drivin' out to the beach. But now, I have to stay home in my apartment and sweat like a dog! ... And you know somethin'? I love goin' to the beach on Memorial Day -- 'cause you get to see a lot of pink and white and real pale people with stuff on 'em that's been growin' under their clothes all winter! ... Like, they got little pimples and bumps and rashes and clumps of tiny hairs on their backs and legs and you don't WHAT they are! ...

But I remember last Memorial Day, I went out to Jones Beach. And I was havin' a great time swimmin' and lyin' on my towel and soakin' up the sunshine and lookin' like a little doll ... when who - who do I see on the beach but Miss Weekend Update herself, Jane Curtin! [cheers and applause as we pan to include an increasingly self-conscious Jane] That's right! Little Jane! And she looks so cute in her black bathing suit with her bubbly, chubby little thighs! ... And those little thighs still had the little underwear marks from when she changed in the car and everything. ... So I yelled, "Hey! Jane! What are you doin' at Jones Beach?!"

But Jane wasn't listenin' to me. And you know why? 'Cause she musta had this big lump o' wet sand in the bottom of her bathing suit that was like a bulge that itches. ... Well, Jane - Jane kept stickin' her hand in her pants tryin' to get the sand out and then flickin' it away! ... And she was - she was there on the beach and she was jumpin' up and down and around, and flickin' sand out of her bathing suit. [Jane, deeply embarrassed, tries to remain calm by twisting a paper clip out of shape] And no matter what Jane did -- when she was walkin', when she was buyin' ice cream or playin' Frisbee or anything -- she just kept flickin' at her bathing suit bottom. She just wouldn't take her hands out of her pants! ... I thought she had a fish in there or somethin'! ... [applause]

So, anyways, I yelled, "Hey! Jane! Quit flickin' at yourself! What are you tryin' to do?! Make me sick?!" ... Well, I couldn't believe the way she--

Jane Curtin: Roseanne, shut up!

Roseanne Roseannadanna: [makes a face] ... Well, what's with you, Miss Jane?

Jane Curtin: Roseanne, people -- all sorts of people have little odd things that happen to them. Why do you insist on coming on and straying from the subject to talk about some disgusting innuendoes? This man asked you about the gas shortage.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it just goes to show ya. It's always somethin'! If it's not one thing, it's another! Either you don't have gas or you got a lump of wet sand in the bottom of your bathing suit. ... You know, it's just like the little song that my father used to sing to me before I went to bed at night. It's a song about you, Jane! And it was recorded in 1956 by the Roseannadanna Brothers. ... And it goes like this:

[snaps her fingers and sings screechily, to the tune of the Everly Brothers' hit song "All I've Got to Do is Dream":]
When I need you to be my friend
When I need favors I can depend
Whenever I want you
All I got to yell is "Ja-a-a-a-ane!"


[puts a friendly arm around Jane who smiles, won over]

I sure think you're fine
I say it all the time
I think that you're a real peach!
The only trouble is
Gee whiz!
You make me sick on the beach! ...
[Jane's face falls, applause]

I need you so, I wanna die!
You got some stuff there in your eye! ...
Do you wanna Kleenex?
[grabs a tissue and offers it to a disgusted Jane]
Here, you can use this Kleenex, Ja-a-a-a-ane! [Jane pushes the tissue away]

Jane Curtin: Good night, my little Roseanne Roseannadanna. [Roseanne wipes Jane's cheek with the tissue, Jane slaps her hand away] That's the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: [waves into camera] Good night!

[Huge cheers and applause, cut to a wide shot of the desk and fade.]


Submitted Anonymously


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