Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 1

79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

The Pope at Monsterdome

Security Guard.....Garrett morris
Sister Francis Mary Bryson.....Laraine Newman
Delivery Boy.....Jim Downey
Monsignor Aldini.....Bill Murray
Aldini's Date.....Jane Curtin
Singing Nun.....Gilda Radner
Guard.....Tom Davis
The Pope.....Steve Martin

[ open on NBC animated graphic ]

Announcer: "N-B-C, Smart As a Pea-Cock!"

[ dissolve to exterior Monsterdome, prior to The Pope's visit. A security guard stands at the door to make sure only authorized personnel have diret access to The Pope ]


Security Guard: Alright! Alright, everybody, hey! Move back, please! If you're not on the list, and you don't have a pass.. stand behind the barricade, okay! Stand behind the barricade!

[ the crowd boos ]

Security Guard: Say, Jack.. say, Jack.. say, have you got a pass?

Bishop McCreary: Bishop McCreary - plus one.

Security Guard: Oh.. oh.. yeah.. okay. Right here. You're on the list. Alright? [ hands name tags to to the Bishop and his guest ] Put that right there, and go ahead. Please. Bishop McCreary, go ahead.

[ Bishop McCreary enters, as Sister Francis Mary Bryson steps up ]

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: Hello.

Security Guard: Yes, ma'am.

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: I'm Sister Francis Mary Bryson. I'm a militant nun.

Security Guard: [ consults his list ] Well.. you're not on the list.

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: Well.. I know I'm not on the list.. you see, I'm concerned.. well.. perhaps "concerned" is too strong a word. I'm hopeful that his Holy Father would, perhaps, um.. listen to, well.. perhaps t's unfair to suggest that he wouldn't.. listen.. that he would consider.. some of our, uh.. "demands".. uh, I mean.. "suggestions"! "Suggestions"! Uh.. increasing the role of women in the church.. and I would like to enter a formal protest.

Security Guard: Hmm..

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: I mean "vigil".

Security Guard: Mmm-hmm..

Sister Francis Mary Bryson: Silent "vigil". [ pointing ] And, uh.. I-I-I'd just be behind there, I mean I wouldn't make one sound.. you wouldn't even know I was-

Security Guard: Yeah, yeah, yeah.. Well, I'll tell you what - the Pope said that anyone who wants to make a protest should stand behind that barricade, and the Pope will come out and talk to you at the end.

Sister Francis Mary Brison: Ohh.. okay.. thank you. Well, would you mind if I lit this candle?

Security Guard: Sure - behind the barricade.

[ Delivery Boy steps up, holding a papl gown in plastic wrap ]

Delivery Boy: G&K Cleaners? Had to take care of the wine stain?

Security Guard: [ hands him a name tag ] Oh, yeah.. here, man.. put this on and go ahead.

[ Delivery Boy enters, as Monsignor Aldini and his date (dressed as a nun) step up ]

Monsignor Aldini: Hi.

Security Guard: Yes? Yes?

Monsignor Aldini: Monsignor Aldini - with a guest.

Security Guard: [ consults his list ] I'm sorry, you're not on the list, man.

Monsignor Aldini: Look under "Monsignors".

Security Guard: Nope. Nope.

Aldini's Date: I can't believe this is happening to Monsignor Aldini!

Monsignor Aldini: Alright, wait a minute.. I'm a friend of His Holiness. He told me: "Stage Entrance, with a guest. No problem."

Security Guard: Man, I wish I had a dollar for every guy who told me he knew the Pope! Now get behind that barricade!

Aldini's Date: Can you believe this, Monsignor? [ chuckles ]

Monsignor Aldini: Welllll.. it could happen.. [ pretends to recognize a passing bishop ] Father Runyon! Jimmy Runyon! Hey! Hey! It's me! Aldini! Hey, look - if you see the Vicar of Christ in there, will you tell him he forgot to put me on the list!

Security Guard: I'm not gonna tell you again, man! Get behind the barricade now!

[ Monsignor Aldini and his date step aside, as one-hit wonder recording artist The Singing Nun steps up ]

The Singing Nun: Pardon? I believe I am on ze list? I am the Singing Nun.

Security Guard: [ consults his list ] Nope. Sorry.

The Singing Nun: But I am the Singing Nun. Listen.. [ strums guitar and sings her one hit "Dominique" ]

Security Guard: Does anybody know this penguin here?! Huh?

Second Guard: Don't mind her - she's been hanging around for the whole tour.

Security Guard: Yeah..

Second Guard: If His Holiness sees her backstage, he'll flip!

Security Guard: Right.. right. [ to the Singing Nun ] Okay, okay.. look. That's it.. that's it, now. Behind the barricade.. behind the barricade..

[ The Singing Nun is pushed aside, as Monsignor Aldini decides to make another try at getting in ]

Monsignor Aldini: Okay, now.. I can see why you threw out the Singing Nun - she's obviously a Dominican bloodsucker. But the Holy Father is expecting me, and I would not like to be in your Adidas when the man says "Where's Monsignor Aldini?" Okay?

Security Guard: Man.. get.. behind.. the barricade!

Aldini's Date: I can't believe this is happening!

Monsignor Aldini: Did the Holy Father say what hotel he's staying at?

Security Guard: Yeah, I think he's staying at the Y!

Monsignor Aldini: The YMCA?

Security Guard: Yeah!

Monsignor Aldini: I am a man of God! But I have a limit to my patience!

[ Monsignor Aldini and his date are escorted away from the door, as a group of bishops step out; the crowd gets excited ]

Crowd: Is he coming through!!

[ suddenly, The Pope comes out, the crowd going wild ]

The Pope: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!

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