79a: Steve Martin / Blondie
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
... Jane Curtin
... Bill Murray
Father Guido Sarducci ... Don Novello
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update with the
Weekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill
Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening. I'm Jane Curtin.
Here now the news. Our top story tonight:
Well, the results are in from the Democratic county
caucus straw vote in Florida where Carter comfortably
carried sixty-six out of sixty-seven counties. The one
he almost lost was Dade County where his mother was
actively campaigning. ... The politically sharp Mr.
Carter said he was pleased with his victory and
immediately appointed his mother ambassador to
Zimbabwe, Rhodesia until the 1980 elections are
In Washington, President Carter has announced that he
will continue to use town meetings as a forum for
reaching the people. A member of the president's staff
said that the next such meeting will probably take
place in the small Massachusetts town of
Bill Murray: New York mayor Ed Koch announced
this week that city radio station WNYC would start
broadcasting the names of men arrested with
prostitutes in an effort to frighten potential
patrons. The prostitutes themselves will have their
names listed in the newspapers along with their phone
numbers and prices. ...
Cuban president Fidel Castro brought live chickens and
lobsters with him on his trip to New York as a
security precaution against poisoned American food.
These animals will taste each of Castro's meals for
him to make sure that they're safe to eat. ...
Jane Curtin: Yesterday, Vermont governor
Richard Snelling launched a nationwide effort to draft
former president Gerald R. Ford as a candidate for the
1980 Republican presidential nomination saying, "If
the nation is offered Gerald Ford, it will choose
Gerald Ford." Mr. Ford reportedly replied, "I'll have
to wait and see which nation I'm being offered to. ...
I hope it's Guatemala -- it's Betty's home town."
Bill Murray: [not paying attention, head
bobbing, eyes closed, singing to himself] "Sixteen
ounces and just one calorie ..."
Jane Curtin: Bill?
Bill Murray: [quickly recovers] Shouting jibes and
chattering incessantly, thousands of pet parakeets
stormed New York's Chrysler building demanding small
electric cars to drive in their cages. ...
Unfortunately, they stormed the wrong floor and ended
up highly embarrassed. Ha! ...
The General Motors corporation announced today that it
will be recalling a number of Buicks and Oldsmobiles
in response to numerous complaints by their owners. A
GM spokesman said today that all 1937 Buicks and 1930
Oldsmobiles will be recalled to investigate reports
that the upholstery in both these vehicles is now old
and musty-smelling. ...
A Federal Trade Commission judge ruled yesterday that
there was no evidence that Bufferin worked faster than
aspirin or that Excedrin was a better pain reliever
than aspirin and ordered the maker, the Bristol-Myers
company, to stop making false advertising claims. The
Bristol-Myers spokesperson could not be reached for
comment, reportedly having stayed home with a Quaalude
Jane, just what do you take for a headache?
Jane Curtin: Midol. [chuckles] ...
Anniversary wishes are in order for Mr. and Mrs. James
Earl Ray who were married exactly one year ago today.
The convicted slayer of Martin Luther King, Jr. is
serving a life sentence in Brushy Mountain
Penitentiary where he has been denied conjugal visits
with his wife Anna. To celebrate their paper
anniversary, the frustrated couple exchanged homemade
scratch-and-sniff greeting cards. ... [quite a few
groans from the crowd]
Scientists at Los Alamos, New Mexico said this week
that tests neither prove nor disprove that the
controversial Shroud of Turin is actually the two
thousand year old burial cloth of Jesus Christ.
Nevertheless, fashion industry sources report the
imminent merchandising of a new designer line, Gloria
Vanderbilt Shrouds by Murjani, to come out in the
Bill Murray: Father Guido Sarducci was among
the two hundred and forty traveling press people who
covered the Pope's United States tour. I bet it was
quite a thrill. How did it go, Father?
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to the gentle,
cigarette smoking, Italian-accented Father Guido
Sarducci, gossip columnist for the Vatican
Father Guido Sarducci: It was. It was a real
thrill, Bill. It was just terrific. But now I'm a
little down. I have what my psychiatrist calls
"post-papal depression." ... Was such a high, you
know, bein' on that tour and now it's over. Only thing
I didn't like about the tour was the merchandising.
They had, like, Pope T-shirts, Pope buttons, posters,
banners, anything you can think of. You know, you can
call me anti-materialistic if you want to but I just
don't think it's right for somebody to make a T-shirt,
put a person's picture on it, and then not to give
that person part of the percentage of the profits. ...
I mean, look at this. It's amazing. [holds up a Pope
T-shirt] If you buy T-shirt like this, it's not just
for the T-shirt you buy it -- it's because the Pope is
on it. If you just want a T-shirt, you can go to J. C.
Penney's 'stead of going through all the traffic and
crowds. But the Pope, from this T-shirt, I'll tell you
what he got. He got absolutely zero. It was a rip-off.
First, they did it to Mr. Bill, now the Pope. ...
And it was - it was the same thing with his record
album. He was in Poland couple of months ago and he
was just singin' some songs with these Polish
students. Somebody must've had a cassette tape
recorder. First thing, there's albums out all over
Europe and now even in the United States. This is it.
[holds up an album ] They said this has shipped double
platinum. ... That's a lot of albums. And the Pope
gets absolutely no percentage, no royalties from this
whatsoever. And, you know, I hate to plug this album
'cause, you know, it bein' so bad to him, but the
truth is, it's a pretty good album. ... The man
can sing, he really can. ... I mean, he's no
Smokey Robinson but ... if you like Polish folk songs,
this is the album for you. ... [applause]
A lot of the Popes have made albums but none of 'em
sold very well. Pope Paul VI, he had three albums out.
The best seller -- but it was not hardly good seller
at all, I don't think it even made the charts -- is
what they call his "White Album" [holds up an album
resembling the Beatles' White Album] ... Came out in
the early seventies. And it had a really nice poster
inside of him. [pulls a glossy photo of the Pope out
of the album] ... This one's kind of soiled 'cause I
had it pinned up on my refrigerator for years. ... But
my favorite Pope Paul VI album was his second album.
Was called "The Second Collection." [holds up another
album with a colorful image of the Pope on the cover]
Well, this was the first Pope album that featured
modern graphics. It's kind of psychedelic. ... I like
it. He looks-- Kind of smiling there -- looks pretty
good. ... My favorite Pope album of all, though, was
made in 1955 by Pius XII. Kind of what you call an
"oldie" nowadays. You know, Pius XII has gotten a lot
of bad press. They say he was aristocratic. He thought
he was better than everybody else. But, say what you
want about him, the man made a very, very good album.
Was called, "Here's Looking Down at You" [holds up
another album with photo of seated Pope waving
downward to people below] ... It just never got the
push that it should have but I hope now that there's
more interest in Popes, they might reissue this one.
It's amazing to me all the interest in the Pope last
couple weeks. I think it's because of John Paul's
visit, personally, but, you know, whatever the reason,
people are buyin' these posters that show all of the
Popes and people want to know what their names are,
what their real names are, when they was livin', when
they died, all that stuff. And, going along with this
Papal mania, I've kind of designed a contest about the
Popes. [holds up a large photo showing a close-up of
the surface of a pizza] It's called "Find the Popes in
the Pizza" ... All two hundred and fifty-four Popes,
they're in here. ... And, what we're gonna do in about
one minute, we're gonna put a close-up of this on your
screen and, you at home, all you have to do is get
some, like, wax paper, any kind of paper you can see
through and paste it to your screen -- or tape it,
whatever you want -- and all you gotta do is get a
pencil and draw a circle around every place you see a
picture of a Pope. And, while we're doing this--
Well, I think what I'm gonna do for the prize, whoever
wins -- you know, finds the most Popes -- they'll get
to have a button that I designed myself. I noticed on
the tour, the best selling button was this. [holds up
button] It says, "I Got a Peek at the Pope" ... And I
designed a button that I think even more people can
relate to. [holds up another button] It says, "I saw
the Pope on TV" ... This is what you win. And now, I
think, we're about ready. So while you're looking at
the pizza for thirty seconds, I'm gonna play a cut
from Pius XII's album. ... Here is Pius XII singing
"On the Sunny Side of the Street" ... And now find the
Pope in the pizza. Good luck to you. All two hundred
[A jazz recording of the old pop song "On the Sunny
Side of the Street" plays as we dissolve to close-up
of the pizza: mostly a red mass of tomato sauce, but
also cheese and one rather large image of a Pope
sitting behind a desk in the lower right hand corner.
The other Popes are invisible to the naked eye. A
clock ticks off thirty seconds in the upper left hand
corner as Father Sarducci's voice chimes in with
occasional helpful hints.]
Some are easy to find, some are hard. ... Here's a
little clue for you. Most of the Popes have red faces.
... Here's another clue. One of them is in the right
side of the screen. ... Behind the desk.
[Time runs out, the song ends, and we return to Father
Sarducci at the desk.]
Well, I hope that you got quite a few of them. Now,
all you have to do is take the paper off, fold it up,
put in an envelope, and address it to [holds up an
envelope] "Find the Popes in the Pizza Contest" ... 30
Rockefeller Plaza New York, New York 10020 ZIP. And I
suggest that up here you put your return address. And
the reason for that is when you go to the mailbox,
just before you put it into the slot, you look here
and it reminds you of where you should go back to. ...
Well, it was more than wonderful. Arrivederci,
Bill Murray: That's the news. Good night and
have a pleasant tomorrow.
[Applause. Father Sarducci invites Bill Murray to look
for a Pope in the pizza and Bill happily plays along
and points one out as we go to commercial.]