Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1













79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

... Jane Curtin
... Bill Murray
Father Guido Sarducci ... Don Novello

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update with the Weekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening. I'm Jane Curtin. Here now the news. Our top story tonight:

Well, the results are in from the Democratic county caucus straw vote in Florida where Carter comfortably carried sixty-six out of sixty-seven counties. The one he almost lost was Dade County where his mother was actively campaigning. ... The politically sharp Mr. Carter said he was pleased with his victory and immediately appointed his mother ambassador to Zimbabwe, Rhodesia until the 1980 elections are over.

In Washington, President Carter has announced that he will continue to use town meetings as a forum for reaching the people. A member of the president's staff said that the next such meeting will probably take place in the small Massachusetts town of Chappaquiddick. ...

Bill?

Bill Murray: New York mayor Ed Koch announced this week that city radio station WNYC would start broadcasting the names of men arrested with prostitutes in an effort to frighten potential patrons. The prostitutes themselves will have their names listed in the newspapers along with their phone numbers and prices. ...

Cuban president Fidel Castro brought live chickens and lobsters with him on his trip to New York as a security precaution against poisoned American food. These animals will taste each of Castro's meals for him to make sure that they're safe to eat. ... [applause]

Jane?

Jane Curtin: Yesterday, Vermont governor Richard Snelling launched a nationwide effort to draft former president Gerald R. Ford as a candidate for the 1980 Republican presidential nomination saying, "If the nation is offered Gerald Ford, it will choose Gerald Ford." Mr. Ford reportedly replied, "I'll have to wait and see which nation I'm being offered to. ... I hope it's Guatemala -- it's Betty's home town." ...

Bill?

Bill Murray: [not paying attention, head bobbing, eyes closed, singing to himself] "Sixteen ounces and just one calorie ..."

Jane Curtin: Bill?

Bill Murray: [quickly recovers] Shouting jibes and chattering incessantly, thousands of pet parakeets stormed New York's Chrysler building demanding small electric cars to drive in their cages. ... Unfortunately, they stormed the wrong floor and ended up highly embarrassed. Ha! ...

The General Motors corporation announced today that it will be recalling a number of Buicks and Oldsmobiles in response to numerous complaints by their owners. A GM spokesman said today that all 1937 Buicks and 1930 Oldsmobiles will be recalled to investigate reports that the upholstery in both these vehicles is now old and musty-smelling. ...

A Federal Trade Commission judge ruled yesterday that there was no evidence that Bufferin worked faster than aspirin or that Excedrin was a better pain reliever than aspirin and ordered the maker, the Bristol-Myers company, to stop making false advertising claims. The Bristol-Myers spokesperson could not be reached for comment, reportedly having stayed home with a Quaalude headache. ...

Jane, just what do you take for a headache?

Jane Curtin: Midol. [chuckles] ...

Anniversary wishes are in order for Mr. and Mrs. James Earl Ray who were married exactly one year ago today. The convicted slayer of Martin Luther King, Jr. is serving a life sentence in Brushy Mountain Penitentiary where he has been denied conjugal visits with his wife Anna. To celebrate their paper anniversary, the frustrated couple exchanged homemade scratch-and-sniff greeting cards. ... [quite a few groans from the crowd]

Scientists at Los Alamos, New Mexico said this week that tests neither prove nor disprove that the controversial Shroud of Turin is actually the two thousand year old burial cloth of Jesus Christ. Nevertheless, fashion industry sources report the imminent merchandising of a new designer line, Gloria Vanderbilt Shrouds by Murjani, to come out in the Spring.

Bill Murray: Father Guido Sarducci was among the two hundred and forty traveling press people who covered the Pope's United States tour. I bet it was quite a thrill. How did it go, Father?

[Cheers and applause as we pan over to the gentle, cigarette smoking, Italian-accented Father Guido Sarducci, gossip columnist for the Vatican newspaper.]

Father Guido Sarducci: It was. It was a real thrill, Bill. It was just terrific. But now I'm a little down. I have what my psychiatrist calls "post-papal depression." ... Was such a high, you know, bein' on that tour and now it's over. Only thing I didn't like about the tour was the merchandising. They had, like, Pope T-shirts, Pope buttons, posters, banners, anything you can think of. You know, you can call me anti-materialistic if you want to but I just don't think it's right for somebody to make a T-shirt, put a person's picture on it, and then not to give that person part of the percentage of the profits. ... I mean, look at this. It's amazing. [holds up a Pope T-shirt] If you buy T-shirt like this, it's not just for the T-shirt you buy it -- it's because the Pope is on it. If you just want a T-shirt, you can go to J. C. Penney's 'stead of going through all the traffic and crowds. But the Pope, from this T-shirt, I'll tell you what he got. He got absolutely zero. It was a rip-off. First, they did it to Mr. Bill, now the Pope. ... [applause]

And it was - it was the same thing with his record album. He was in Poland couple of months ago and he was just singin' some songs with these Polish students. Somebody must've had a cassette tape recorder. First thing, there's albums out all over Europe and now even in the United States. This is it. [holds up an album ] They said this has shipped double platinum. ... That's a lot of albums. And the Pope gets absolutely no percentage, no royalties from this whatsoever. And, you know, I hate to plug this album 'cause, you know, it bein' so bad to him, but the truth is, it's a pretty good album. ... The man can sing, he really can. ... I mean, he's no Smokey Robinson but ... if you like Polish folk songs, this is the album for you. ... [applause]

A lot of the Popes have made albums but none of 'em sold very well. Pope Paul VI, he had three albums out. The best seller -- but it was not hardly good seller at all, I don't think it even made the charts -- is what they call his "White Album" [holds up an album resembling the Beatles' White Album] ... Came out in the early seventies. And it had a really nice poster inside of him. [pulls a glossy photo of the Pope out of the album] ... This one's kind of soiled 'cause I had it pinned up on my refrigerator for years. ... But my favorite Pope Paul VI album was his second album. Was called "The Second Collection." [holds up another album with a colorful image of the Pope on the cover] Well, this was the first Pope album that featured modern graphics. It's kind of psychedelic. ... I like it. He looks-- Kind of smiling there -- looks pretty good. ... My favorite Pope album of all, though, was made in 1955 by Pius XII. Kind of what you call an "oldie" nowadays. You know, Pius XII has gotten a lot of bad press. They say he was aristocratic. He thought he was better than everybody else. But, say what you want about him, the man made a very, very good album. Was called, "Here's Looking Down at You" [holds up another album with photo of seated Pope waving downward to people below] ... It just never got the push that it should have but I hope now that there's more interest in Popes, they might reissue this one.

It's amazing to me all the interest in the Pope last couple weeks. I think it's because of John Paul's visit, personally, but, you know, whatever the reason, people are buyin' these posters that show all of the Popes and people want to know what their names are, what their real names are, when they was livin', when they died, all that stuff. And, going along with this Papal mania, I've kind of designed a contest about the Popes. [holds up a large photo showing a close-up of the surface of a pizza] It's called "Find the Popes in the Pizza" ... All two hundred and fifty-four Popes, they're in here. ... And, what we're gonna do in about one minute, we're gonna put a close-up of this on your screen and, you at home, all you have to do is get some, like, wax paper, any kind of paper you can see through and paste it to your screen -- or tape it, whatever you want -- and all you gotta do is get a pencil and draw a circle around every place you see a picture of a Pope. And, while we're doing this--

Well, I think what I'm gonna do for the prize, whoever wins -- you know, finds the most Popes -- they'll get to have a button that I designed myself. I noticed on the tour, the best selling button was this. [holds up button] It says, "I Got a Peek at the Pope" ... And I designed a button that I think even more people can relate to. [holds up another button] It says, "I saw the Pope on TV" ... This is what you win. And now, I think, we're about ready. So while you're looking at the pizza for thirty seconds, I'm gonna play a cut from Pius XII's album. ... Here is Pius XII singing "On the Sunny Side of the Street" ... And now find the Pope in the pizza. Good luck to you. All two hundred and fifty-four.

[A jazz recording of the old pop song "On the Sunny Side of the Street" plays as we dissolve to close-up of the pizza: mostly a red mass of tomato sauce, but also cheese and one rather large image of a Pope sitting behind a desk in the lower right hand corner. The other Popes are invisible to the naked eye. A clock ticks off thirty seconds in the upper left hand corner as Father Sarducci's voice chimes in with occasional helpful hints.]

Some are easy to find, some are hard. ... Here's a little clue for you. Most of the Popes have red faces. ... Here's another clue. One of them is in the right side of the screen. ... Behind the desk.

[Time runs out, the song ends, and we return to Father Sarducci at the desk.]

Well, I hope that you got quite a few of them. Now, all you have to do is take the paper off, fold it up, put in an envelope, and address it to [holds up an envelope] "Find the Popes in the Pizza Contest" ... 30 Rockefeller Plaza New York, New York 10020 ZIP. And I suggest that up here you put your return address. And the reason for that is when you go to the mailbox, just before you put it into the slot, you look here and it reminds you of where you should go back to. ... Well, it was more than wonderful. Arrivederci, America!

Bill Murray: That's the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[Applause. Father Sarducci invites Bill Murray to look for a Pope in the pizza and Bill happily plays along and points one out as we go to commercial.]


Submitted Anonymously


SNL Transcripts