Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1









79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

The Vandals

Centurion.....Steve Martin
Lieutenant.....Tom Davis
Captain.....Garrett Morris
Pizza Delivery Woman.....Gilda Radner
Guard.....Peter Aykroyd
Juvenile Delinquent Vandal.....Al Franken
Mr. Gundrick.....Bill Murray
Mrs. Gundrick.....Jane Curtin

Announcer: [ over scrolling SUPER ] "Among the barbarian hordes who sacked and pillaged their way across Europe during the waning years of the Roman Empire, no tribe was more notorious than The Vandals, a Germanic people driven westward by Celtic expansion during the Fourth Century A.D. The Vandals established a Kingdom in Gaul, where they quickly became the most feared tribe in the known world - that is, the world as it was known at that time. In saying this, we do not mean to take anything away from the Visigoths, Lumbards, Huns, Francs or Ostragoths. These nomadic groups were certainly terrifying in their own way. But the Vandals.. were unbelievable."

[ dissolve to a Roman encampment covered with toilet paper ]

[ SUPER: "A Roman Encampment - Somewhere Near The River Elbe - A.D. 419" ]

[ a pair of juvenile Vandals run into the scene, ??? ]

Vandals: Centurion! Centurion! [ they run ]

[ Centurion exits his tent ]

Centurion: Hello! What's going on out here, who is it? [ looks down to discover the fire in front of his tent ] Oh, no! [ stomps the fire out with his foot, squirting excrement across the grass ] Ohhhhhh! Oh, no! Now, who would do a thing like that?! Guard! [ Guard steps forward ] Give me your sword! [ takes Guard's sword and scrapes the excrement off the bottom of his sandal ] These are my new sandals! Awww! Guard! Who's responsible for this?!

Lieutenant: Apparently, we were attacked during the night, sir.

Centurion: Attacked? By whom?

Lieutenant: [ confused ] The Vandals, sir.

Centurion: Vandals, Lieutenant?

Lieutenant: Yes, sir. A Germanic people driven westward by Celtic expansion in the Fourth Century A.D. The Vandals established a Kingdom in Gaul-

Centurion: Don't give me any of your fancy military school nonsense! I know you graduated cum laude! Now, I want a full report of the damage!

Lieutenant: Well, sir.. we have a score of badly-soiled sandals.. the tires on your chariot were slashed.. and it appears the entire camp has been TPed, sir.

Centurion: TPed?

Lieutenant: Covered with toilet paper, sir.

Centurion: Is that.. dangerous?

Lieutenant: Well.. if it rains..

[ Captain comes running in, covered with eggs ]

Captain: Centurion! Centurion!

Centurion: Captain! What happened?

Captain: We were in pursuit of the Vandals, sir! We were egged!

Centurion: Egged?

Captain: Yes!

Lieutenant: Pelted with rotten eggs, sir.

Captain: Every last man! I'm afraid Marcus caught one right in the face. He never saw it coming!

Lieutenant: [ chuckling ] Of all the men, it would be Marcus!

Centurion: That's not funny, Lieutenant! He could have put someone's eye out!

Captain: Uh.. request permission to change armor, sir!

Centurion: By all means, Captain, you're stinknig up the whole camp!

Captain: With all due respect, sir, your sandals take the cake! [ exits scene ]

Centurion: What a mess! Look at this! Now, who would do something like this?! I mean, I don't understand it! What possible pleasure could someone derive from this?!

Lieutenant: They think it's funny, sir?

Centurion: Funny?! Destroying property and endangering human life is funny?!

Lieutenant: Evidently, they think so.

Centurion: Tell me, Lieutenant - how is it you know so much about these Vandals?

Lieutenant: Several years ago, sir.. we rented our beach house in Capri to some Vandals. Some weeks later, when we returned, the house was a complete shambles. We still can't use the atrium. It's terrible..

Centurion: Well, that's just sick! I guess this is just another example of the decline of the Roman Empire!

Lieutenant: A sign of the times, sir.. it makes one sad when-

[ Pizza Delivery Woman clambors forward ]

Pizza Delivery Woman: Pizza delivery!

Centurion: [ more confused ] What-at?! I ordered no pizza! Did you, Lieutenant?

Lieutenant: No, sir.

Pizza Delivery Woman: Well, who is, uh.. [ reading order slip ] "Centurion Likus Flavus"

Centurion: I am he.

Pizza Delivery Woman: Well, according to this, you ordered three anchovy pizzas.

Centurion: But! This cannot be! I ordered no pizza!

Pizza Delivery Woman: Well, someone has to pay for it! I walked ten miles with these, and I'm not leaving here until I'm paid!

Centurion: Ohhhh.. very well.. [ relunctanlt takes out his money ] ..but it does not seem fair! How could such a thing have happened?!

[ Pizza Delivery Woman takes the money and exits the scene ]

Lieutenant: Sir, I have a theory. Perhaps this is the work of the Vandals.

Centurion: But why would they do such a thing?

Lieutenant: To vex us, sir.

Centurion: Then, they shall not succeed! We shall hunt them down, and force them to pay for these pizzas!

[ Guard enters scene with the Juvenile Vandal clutched to a cross ]

Guard: Centurion! Centurion, we've captured one of the Vandals! He and his friends were throwing a dead cat into the aquaduct!

Centurion: Now we'll get around to the bottom of this! You're in a great deal of trouble, young man! What's your name?

Juvenile Vandal: [ nonchalantly ] Augustus Caeser!

Centurion: [ twists the young boy'd ear ] Don't get smart with me! What's your name?!

Juvenile Vandal: [ relunctantly ] Brad Gundrick. But you can't call my parents, because they aren't home!

Guard: He's lying, sir! We've summoned his parents, they should be here at any moment!

[ Mr. And Mrs. Gundrick enter the scene, devestated at their surroundings ]

Mr. Gundrick: Where is he? He's humiliated me for the last time! Alright, mister.. I've had it with you! [ twists his son's ear ] Where did you ever learn to pull stunts.. like.. that?!

Juvenile Vandal: [ bored ] I dunno..

Mrs. Gundrick: Ohhh..

Mr. Gundrick: Careful, honey..

Mrs. Gundrick: Brad.. Brad, look at me.. [ Brad turns away ] Look at me! Brad, why do you do this? Do you do this to hurt us?

Juvenile Vandal: I dunno..

Mrs. Gundrick: We've given you everything! You wanted the spiked sword, we gave you the spiked sword.. you wanted the slave girl, we gave you the slave girl.. Is this how you thank us?

Juvenile Vandal: I dunno..

Centurion: Answer your mother when she talks to you!

Mr. Gundrick: I'll tell you one thing: you can forget that trip to Spain, because you're ground-ed, you fellow!

Juvenile Vandal: I wasn't doing anything everybody else wasn't doin'!!

Mrs. Gundrick: I suppose if everyone jumped off a cliff, you'd do that, too?

Juvenile Vandal: I dunno..

Centurion: We appreciate your coming down, Mr. and Mrs. Gundrick. We will consider this your son's first offense. But there is still the little matter of some damages. I paid for pizzas even though I ordered no pizzas!

Mr. Gundrick: Well, I think this is coming out of someone's allowance.

Mrs. Gundrick: Thank you, Centurion. I'm sorry our son had to be involved in this. And I'd like to say it's reassuring to find a Roman magistrate who understands problems children face growing up in nomadic hordes.. changing schools all the time..

Mr. Gundrick: Alright, dear.. let's not take up any more of the Centurion's valuable time. Thank you, sir.

Mrs. Gundrick: Thank you. [ to Brad ] Isn't there something you've forgotten to say, Brad?

Juvenile Vandal: [ unwillingly ] I'm sor-ry..

Centurion: I don't ever want to see you back here again, young man.

Mr. Gundrick: Goodbye, Centurion.

Centurion: [ as the Gundricks depart from the scene ] You are very lucky to have parents like those, Brad. you listen to them! They're good parents! [ with the Gundricks now out of sight, Centurion turns to his Lieutenant ] Lieutenant.. have the three of them put to death. And cut off their heads and put them on some poles out in front of the camp.

Lieutenant: Right, sir.

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] "It was easy to kill a few Vandals, but not so easy to kill.. an idea. Throughout the course of Western History, vandalism has remained a major force in civilization. And so long as man erects monuments, with imagination and ingenuity.. there will be those who spray-paint them, and knock them over."

[ camera zooms out on the studio ]

[ SUPER: "Coming up Next: "Kissinger-Frost Stoop Tag Playoffs" ]

[ fade ]


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