Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 1







79a: Steve Martin / Blondie

What The Hell Is That?

Tourist #1.....Steve Martin
Tourist #2.....Bill Murray

[ Tourist #1 wanders onto set, looks straight into camera inquisitively with a dumb look on his face ]

Tourist #1: What the hell is that?! [ squints ] What the hell is that? [ chuckling at himself ] What's that danged thing doing here! How did that get here? What the hell is that?! [ squints ] What the hell is that?! How'd that dang deal get here?! [ turns off-camera ] Hey! Come on over here and look at this deal!

[ Tourist #2 wanders onto the set to take a bewildered look ]

Tourist #2: What the hell is that?

Tourist #1: I don't know what the hell that is!

Tourist #2: What in the hell is that?!

Tourist #1: Hey, you kids! Get away from there!

Tourist #2: I would not mess with that thing..

Tourist #1: Don't put your lips on it!

Tourist #2: [ ever curious ] What the hell is this?

Tourist #1: Well.. get a photo of me with it, anyway!

[ Tourist #1 hands camera to Tourist #2, then walks away from camera view to have his picture taken ]

Tourist #2: Be careful with that thing. [ snaps Tourist #1's picture, as spark of ingenuity develops on his face ] Oh, I know what that is!

Tourist #1: [ returns next to Tourist #2 ] Well, what the hell is it?!

Tourist #2: [ looks closer ] What is that thing..?

Tourist #1: I don't even care what it is. [ pause ] What the hell is that?!

Tourist #2: I don't know what the hell that thing is.

Tourist #1: Oh, I know what it is!

Tourist #2: [ seeing it ] Oh, yeah.. oh yeah.. [ chuckles ]

[ Tourist #1 & #2 walk away from the stage. A beat, before their heads peer back into frame, more inquisitive than ever. ]

Tourist #1: What the hell was that?!

[ fade ]


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