Joan Face.....Jane Curtin
Nigel Quist.....Eric Idle
Greg Malone.....Bill Murray
[ open on show logo, dissolve to Joan Face seated center of ?? and ?? ; as show title suggests, everyone speaks with a high degree of arrogant sarcasm ]
Joan Face: Good evening, and welcome.. to "Heavy Sarcasm". I'm your host, Joan Face. As you may know, this is our last show tonight.. but we put together a really fascinating program.. I'm sure you'll love it. My first guest is a great, great writer, Nigel Quist, who I know.. [ laughing ] ..you're all big fans of, as who wouldn't be?
Nigel Quist: Thank you, Joan. Being on your show is a REAL THRILL for me! It's certainly a MUST for any author promoting a book.
Joan Face: Well, your career is really taking off. I hear you've just written a book about Bruce and Christy Jenner. That must have been a really rewarding experience.
Nigel Quist: Yes, it really was REALLY INTERESTING to write.. I mean, they are a WONDERFUL couple.
Joan Face: Well, I'm sure your book will sell millions.
Nigel Quist: I HOPE so. I mean, after all, what could be more IMPORTANT than BRUCE AND CHRISTY JENNER?
Joan Face: Okay. Let's introduce our second exciting guest. An unbeievably gifted young actor, Greg Malone.
Greg Malone: Aw, thanks, Joan. By the way, you look greaaaat.
Joan Face: Thank you, Greg. Uh.. you're the lucky young man who's been chosen to play Bruce Jenner in the film version of, uh.. Nigel's book.
Greg Malone: Oh, yes.. it's a real breaaak. You know, I never knew what a deeply complex individual Bruce Jenner waaaas. And working with Nigel has been.. sooo great. He is a real genius.
Nigel Quist: Yeah, Greg's performance is absolutely A-MAZING! A real OSCAR WINNER.
Joan Face: Greg, I know everyone in our audience follows your career closely.. I'm sure they're aware of the recent tragedy in your life - by that, I mean the death of your attractive fiancee.. that must have been a tremendous loss..
Greg Malone: Well, gee shucks, thank, Joan.. that's real nice of you.. It's really comforting in this industry to find someone so warm.. as you.
Joan Face: Well, I don't know how any film could surpass.. Nigel's book! But I'm sure we'll all be flocking to the theaters to see it. Well, that about wraps up our show, and what a capper to the whole series it's been.
Nigel Quist: I must say, Joan, when I heard your show was CANCELLED, I was REALLY SURPRISED.
Greg Malone: Oh yeah, I know I never missed it. I don't know what I'm going to do with my Wednesday afternoons now.
Joan Face: Well, it's been terrific fun. Let's all work together real soon.
Greg Malone: Geez, I can't wait.
Nigel Quist: LIKEWISE!
Joan Face: Well, that's it. I don't know how the time flies by so fast. But before I go, I want to say that doing this show has made me realize how lucky I am to be living in this country, at this exciting point in history. It really makes me glad to be alive. Thanks from the bottom of my heart. This has been Joan Face for "Heavy Sarcasm". Good night.
[ fade ]