Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 2


















79b: Eric Idle / Bob Dylan

Shoe Store

Salesman.....Eric Idle
Customer.....Bill Murray
Conchita.....Gilda Radner
Angelica.....Jane Curtin
Juanita.....Laraine Newman

[ open on Customer browsing the window display at Mr. Howard's Shoe Store prior to entering ]

Salesman: Good morning, sir!

Customer: Good morning. I'd like some handmade shoes.

Salesman: Ah! Well then, you've certainly come to the right place, because this indeed is a handmade shoe shop! Well, the shop isn't handmade, the shoes are, obviosuly, of course!

Customer: [ smiling ] Well, good... good.

Salesman: Yes, good. Now, had you gone to an antique shop or a furniture store, you'd be in the wrong place. But you're not, so congratulations and well done! [ he shakes the customer's hand ]

Customer: Well, thank you.

Salesman: not at all! And that in itself qualifies you for a FREE gift! Conchita!

[ the salesman claps his hands, as Conchita rushes out and kisses the customer on the lips before disappearing into the stockroom ]

Customer: What was that?

Salesman: That was your free gift, Sir. We used to give little hats and silly whistles, but we found that our customers prefer a kiss from Conchita.

Customer: I see.

Salesman: Now then, Sir -- what was it you wanted?

Customer: Shoes. I need shoes.

Salesman: Certainly, Sir. Any color?

Customer: Yes, I'm particularly interested in brown shoes.

Salesman: Well! [ he stands before a wall of shoeboxes ] We've got red, black, blue, yellow --

Customer: Any brown?

Salesman: Uh -- magenta, orange --

Customer: Brown!

Salesman: Taupe, pink, oyster --

Customer: Brown shoes! I need brown shoes!

Salesman: Ray, silver, gold, old gold, fool's gold --

Customer: Shut up! Will you please shut up?! Do you have any brown shoes or not?

Salesman: Well, Sir, to be perfectly frank... yes!

Customer: So, what's with all the different colors?

Salesman: Just showing off, I suppose, Sir -- and making sure you really did want a brown shoe.

Customer: Well, that's what I want.

Salesman: The brown?

Customer: Yes.

Salesman: Congratulations, Sir -- on that alone, you've won another free gift, this tiem from the luscious lips of Angelica!

[ Angelica rushes out and kisses the customer on the lips before disappearing into the stockroom ]

Salesman: Now, then -- what was it you wanted, Sir?

Customer: A brown shoe.

Salesman: Ah, yes! The brown shoe! What size, Sir?

Customer: 10 and-a-half.

Salesman: Well... we have 8, we have 9 and-a-half, we have 7 and-a-half, we have 10 and-three-quarters --

Customer: 10 and-a-half!

Salesman: We have, uh, 13 -- probably a bit too large for you.

Customer: I want a size 10 and-a-half shoe!

Salesman: Uh, we have 5 -- that's probably a bit on the snug size.

Customer: I want a size 10 and-a-half shoe!! Now, do you have that size, 10 and-a-half, YES or NO?!

Salesman: [ reluctantly ] Yes.

Customer: Well, then why go through all that?!

Salesman: Because it's my job, Sir. I am a shoe salesman. Selling shoes is my life. It is my metier. My vocation. My forte. My thing! My gift! My mission! My raison d-etre! My joi de vivre! It's just my bag, man!

Customer: Well, I appreciate that, Sir, but I want only one kind of shoe, and THAT is a size 10 and-a-half brown shoe!

Salesman: [ he holds up a single show ] Here you are, Sir.

Customer: Fine. Where's the other one?

Salesman: Other, Sir?

Customer: Where's the other shoe?

Salesman: It's on the other foot, Sir.

Customer: On the what?

Salesman: The shoe is on the other foot, Sir. [ he holds up his shoeless foot ]

Customer: What's the point?

Salesman: The point is, how many do you want, Sir?

Customer: I'd like two shoes.

Salesman: [ surprised ] TWO shoes?

Customer: Yes. Two shoes.

Salesman: TWO?!

Customer: Yes. TWO!

Salesman: Not just one?

Customer: No, not one!

Salesman: Two?!

Customer: Look -- I have a foot on each side, and I want a shoe for each side.

Salesman: But it's more expensive, Sir.

Customer: More expensive than what?

Salesman: Than one shoe.

Customer: How much more expensive?

Salesman: Twice as expensive.

Customer: How much is one shoe?

Salesman: Half as much.

Customer: Half as much as what?

Salesman: Half as much as two, Sir.

Customer: Alright, I'm gonna stay real calm on this. Hang on, will you, and I'm not gonna hit you just yet. Alright?

Salesman: Thank you, Sir! And because of that, you've earned another bonus gift, from my youngest -- Juanita!

[ Juanita rushes out and kisses the customer on the lips before disappearing into the stockroom ]

Customer: Alright, alright, alright! STOP with the free kissing! STOP with the half-as-much-as-two business! No, you wear only one shoe?

Salesman: Yes, Sir. Yes, I do. Yes.

Customer: Alright, let me ask you this, with all due respect: Isn't it a bit painful? I mean, say you're getting all dressed up to go to a dress ball --

Salesman: Oh, I don't go to dances, Sir, I find them pretentious and boring!

Customer: Alright, uh... you've been invited to a dinner party at your boss' house --

Salesman: Ohhhh, I wouldn't go to a dinner party at my boss' house, Sir. First of all, I HATE my boss, and secondly I find his house depressing.

Customer: Alright, let's just say you're going bowling.

Salesman: I don't bowl -- war injury.

Customer: Alright. You're going out with your wife!

Salesman: My wife is DEAD.

Customer: I'm sorry. You're walking your dog!

Salesman: I HATE dogs! I detest ALL pets!

Customer: Alright. You're sitting home watching TV!

Salesman: I don't own a TV, I find it repugnant and childish.

Customer: Alright, let's say you're going to a movie!

Salesman: I hate movies.

Customer: It's A DOCUMENTARY!!

Salesman: Biased and boring.

Customer: Okay, you're just sitting home reading a book.

Salesman: I do not read books. Books are often made into movies, and I HATE all forms of entertainment!

Customer: [ aggravated ] Then, what DO you DO?!

Salesman: I sell shoes, Sir! Shoe selling is my LIFE, Sir! I'm incessantly selling shoes, I never STOP selling shoes!

Customer: One shoe at a time?

Salesman: Precisely!

Customer: Do you have a, uh, 10 and-a-half brown?

Salesman: Yes, Sir!

Customer: How much is it?

Salesman: Ten dollars!

Customer: I'll take two!

Salesman: SOLD!

[ they shake on the agreement ]

Salesman: Conchita! Angelica! Juanita!

[ the girls come back out and dance around the customer, as the camera pulls back on the set with SUPER: "coming up next: DNA Designer Genes" ]

[ fade ]


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