Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

... Jane Curtin
... Bill Murray
Gerald Hacker ... Harry Shearer
Danny Kreutzman ... Paul Shaffer
Roseanne Roseannadanna ... Gilda Radner

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with the Weekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: [clock on the wall reads NEW MEXICO] Good evening. I'm Jane Curtin. Here now the news. Our top story tonight:

New evidence revealed this week may force the exhuming of the body of Lee Harvey Oswald. Discrepancies between autopsy reports and Oswald's Marine records have led some to believe that the man occupying Oswald's grave was an agent of the KGB. After hearing this, Senator Ted Kennedy said, "If it's not Oswald, I'm not running." ...

Following a false report that Soviet president Leonid Brezhnev had died, a Communist Party official said, quote, "With rumors like that, he should live for a hundred years." End quote. Meanwhile, Brezhnev, to show that he was still healthy and active - [photo of Brezhnev leaning on two distinguished statesmen] - posed for this picture lifting Foreign Minister Andrei Gromyko while picking the pocket of West German Chancellor Helmut Schmidt. ... [Doctored photo of the Beatles' "Abbey Road" album cover with Brezhnev's head replacing Paul McCartney's] And, in a related story, Moscow correspondents are puzzled over why Brezhnev is barefoot on the cover of his new album. ... They also claim that if the tape of last week's Politburo meeting is played backwards, a party secretary can be heard muttering, "I buried Leonid." ...

Mother Teresa, the nun whose work in the slums of Calcutta won her the Nobel Peace Prize, has already decided how she'll spend her prize money. This week she goes shopping for a Mercedes 450 and then plans to, quote, "get the hell out of this jerkwater town." End quote. ...


Bill Murray: It took six days to count all the votes in last Saturday's non-binding Florida caucus elections and the winner was finally announced yesterday. Jimmy Carter defeated Senator Edward Kennedy by a 2 to 1 margin in an election that drew few voters and had no official effect. The pre-campaign scene now has shifted to England and for a live report, here's Weekend Update political correspondent Gerald Hacker in London.

[Fade out and in to pompous newsman Gerald Hacker seated beneath a clock and a sign reading WEEKEND UPDATE / LONDON. SUPER: LIVE VIA SATELLITE]

Gerald Hacker: Bill, the idea of foreigners voting for American presidential hopefuls is a new one. But it seems to have caught on in North Dorking, a town of twenty-two thousand, southwest of London. Today's North Dorking straw vote was organized by a young Englishwoman whose previous political experience was limited to reading the European edition of Time Magazine.

[Cut to interview footage with bespectacled Englishwoman. SUPER: LESLEY ELIOT / Straw Vote Promoter.]

Lesley Eliot: If the States get a really dreadful president, it's not just you people who suffer, is it? I mean, we all have to live with him, you know. So I was thinking, why not give some Englishmen a chance to have a vote on it. Maybe at the same time, that'll attract a lot of Americans over here and do something for the economy of North Dorking.

[Cut to interview footage with bespectacled American man. SUPER: DANNY KREUTZMAN / Kennedy Activist.]

Danny Kreutzman: I heard about what Miss Elliot was doing when I was over here, er, making some arrangements for Meat Loaf's first European tour and, uh, I became interested from the standpoint of setting up a committee which would, by its very nature, draw some financial support from, uh, sources who were interested in seeing Senator Kennedy defeat President Carter in something, somewhere, uh, at some point in the present, and of course, uh, those funds would go - to me. ...

[Cut back to pompous newsman Gerald Hacker.]

Gerald Hacker: When Carter Administration officials became aware of Kreutzman's activities on behalf of Kennedy, they sprang into action. Earlier this week, Defense Secretary Harold Brown visited North Dorking, promising that if the Pentagon ever has to be moved outside the continental United States for security reasons, North Dorking would receive the highest consideration as an alternative site. That construction project could pump as much as two hundred billion dollars into the local economy.

[Cut to montage of voters on the street. SUPER: NORTH DORKING / St. John's Parish]

Gerald Hacker V/O: Then North Dorking voted. As in Florida, the turnout was small but vocal. Especially after voters were repeatedly asked to say something.

Male Voter: Well, he's a Kennedy, isn't he? I mean, he's not the Kennedy but he's a Kennedy. Isn't he?

Female Voter: I like Mr. Carter best. I like his smile, his blue eyes -- and he hasn't got a dog. Give me a man without a dog!

[Cut back to pompous newsman Gerald Hacker.]

Gerald Hacker: Today's straw vote was completely unofficial so official results will be hard to come by. But whoever wins, the psychological momentum resulting from a victory so far from home could have crucial impact on next week's Kennedy-Carter confrontation -- a ten kilometer run sponsored by the Washington Post. ... But for now, the best thing we can say is: we don't know anything at all about any of this. From London, this is Gerald Hacker reporting for Weekend Update.

[Fade. Applause. Cut back to Jane at the WU desk.]

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Gerald. I'm sure we'll be hearing a lot from you.

Gerald R. Ford said yesterday that he will not run for president in 1980. Ford said that he thinks President Carter will be reelected because, quote, "An incumbent president would have to be an idiot to lose. ... The incumbency is a great advantage, I wish I had it when I was president." End quote. ...

[Photo of Bianca Jagger who looks quite a bit like husband Mick Jagger] Well, the masquerade is over. A dejected Mick Jagger left a London court this week after losing a long battle to get a divorce from himself. ... Jagger, a graduate of the London School of Economics, hoped that by creating the character of "Bianca," he could pay himself alimony and reap tremendous tax benefits. ... [applause] But, following the verdict, the British rock star vowed to abandon the charade and promised the world it would never see Bianca again. ...

Princess Margaret, while on a visit to Chicago last week, shocked the guests at a dinner party by referring to the Irish as "pigs." That is the subject of tonight's commentary by Bill Murray.

Bill Murray: [in front of a clock labeled NEW BRUNSWICK] So the Irish are pigs? James Joyce, Sean O'Casey, George Bernard Shaw -- pigs. What about Nolan Ryan? Eddie Murray of the Orioles? Willie Stargell. Bill Madlock. Tim Foley, who came over from the Mets, what a trade that turned out for the bucks. Chuck Connors with the Cubs and then went to "The Rifleman." Mike Connors. Mike Connors, Mannix. I don't believe Princess Margaret thinks Mannix is a pig. ...

Everybody's very upset about it but I say, let her slide on this. I mean, let the woman slide. I know what you're saying, "Bill, you're Irish." I'm a hundred per cent Irish. I'm an American - but the blood is green. ... I say, let her slide. I mean, she was just 'faced, that's all. She was just 'faced. I mean, she hits Chicago, she goes out to dinner with some wild green animals in that town, has a few cocktails and she just gets 'faced, you know. She turns to the Irish mayor of Chicago, Jane Byrne, says the Irish are pigs. Tell me she wasn't too 'faced or nothin'. Not much she wasn't. So let her slide. You know, when somebody gets 'faced, you let 'em slide on that, especially, you know, a girl -- when they get 'faced. And, especially, a member of the royal family, you know?

Back in England, she's the queen's sister. She can't get weird at all, you know. And, you know, if people don't let you get weird nowadays, you get irreversibly weird, I think. So let her slide! Come on, this is America. Look -- Princess Margaret is a pig. She's a slut, she's a tramp, she's a slime bucket. So what? Right. Exactly. I can say this. She's lettin' me slide. ... You know why? Because this is America. And because I am 'faced. ... I am completely 'faced. I don't know if this is even makin' any sense. Listen, she was 'faced. I am 'faced. So let us both slide on this. God, am I 'faced. ... Jane, are you as 'faced as I am? ... I am completely 'faced. ...

[begins to read the next news item] Yesterday was Amy Carter's twelfth birthday and, as usual, her family and friends had a tough time picking-- I am 'faced! ... Yesterday was - was Amy Carter's twelfth birthday and, as usual, her family and friends had a tough time picking out the proper presents. After all, what do you give a girl who has nothing? ...


Jane Curtin: This week, many commercial banks brought bad news to prospective homeowners by raising the mortgage rate to a record twelve per cent. This no doubt will prevent thousands from purchasing a house because they can't get financing. Here to comment further on this situation is Update's economic advisor, Roseanne Roseannadanna.

[Huge cheers and applause as we pan over to e loud Latina woman with the increasingly frizzy hair.]

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane! Thanks a lot! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey writes in and says:

Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,

New Jersey is no longer my cup of tea. I hate livin' here, I hate my job, I hate my kids, I hate the Giants, I want to move, I can't get a mortgage, what should I do?

Well, Mr. Feder, I know exactly what you're goin' through 'cause this past summer, I -- Roseanne Roseannadanna -- rented a house that I couldn't afford in this real hotsy-totsy place called East Hampton. ... East Hampton is this cute tiny town on Long Island where everybody who's anybody goes to spend the summer. And I really love those Hamptons 'cause the air is clean and you got the ocean and the trees -- plus, you get to see a lot of famous people wearin' cute little white shorts, joggin' and ridin' bicycles and sweatin' and breathin' like pigs! ...

Everybody out there is like a real health nut. They play tennis and read a lot of books by Adelle Davis. Now, Adelle Davis was that real smart dead lady who on wrote on how to stay healthy and all those books that got the same title: "Let's Eat Right" "Let's Be Thin" "Let's Keep Fit" "Let's Look Good" "Let's Live Long" "Let's Be Alive" "Let's Keep You Alive" "Let's Keep Me Alive" "I Don't Wanna Die" "I'm Dead" "What Went Wrong?" ... [cheers and applause]

And I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, learned if you want to stay fit in the Hamptons, you gotta eat a lot of roughage. And do you know what roughage is? It's that food that goes right through you like a fast train and drags other stuff along with it so they don't hang around too long to rot and stink up your insides. ... Now, imagine, if you could, the inside of your body as a big, long curving around pipe, like under a sink, with all these ugly germs and pieces o' red meat and diet soda and Twinkies and monosodium glutamate and stuff, sittin' there and cloggin' up everything. But then -- this roughage stuff comes along and cleans out everything! Just like Liquid Plumr! And gets you zippy clean!

The only trouble is, I hate eatin' that roughage stuff. Like, I got invited to this one party that was given at the private estate of Mr. Designer himself, Yves St. Laurent. And do you know what they had to eat? A thing they call crudité! That's French. And it means celery sticks, carrot sticks, sliced radishes, raw broccoli, raw cauliflower, raw mushrooms, and a yogurt dip! ... Now, what kinda great party is that? ... Crudité? Not only does it taste bland, like your foot or something ... but there's so much crunchin' goin' on, ya can't hear what anybody's talkin' about. ...

Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch. And who's crunchin' the loudest and drinkin' bottles of Perrier but the hotshot host himself, St. Laurent. He looked real healthy but every two minutes he excuses himself to go to the bathroom! ... Well, one time, when he came out, just between you and me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, I noticed that he had a little tiny wet spot on his white pants right below his zipper. ... It looked like a little raindrop! Or like a little clear splotch! Well, I thought I was gonna die! ... I said, "Hey! Frenchie! Did that splotch come out o' you?" And he says, [French accent] "No way, ze water splash up from ze sink, I swear!"

But none of us believed him and we had to leave the party 'cause he was makin' all of us sick, you know?! ... It wasn't rainin', there's a drop on his pants! I couldn't believe it!

Jane Curtin: You're making all of us sick, Roseanne.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: What's your problem? Don't you like French?

Jane Curtin: You're supposed to come here and talk about a man who wants to buy a house -- not about roughage and Yves St. Laurent.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it just goes to show ya. It's always somethin'! If it's not one thing, it's another! Either you can't get a mortgage or it rains on your zipper. It's just like the little prayer that my father used to say to me before I went to sleep at night. He'd make sure I was all tucked in, snug and cozy and everything and he'd tell me this prayer that was written by my very religious aunt -- Hosanna Roseannadanna. ... I'm gonna tell it to you.

Now I lay me down to sleep
After a lot of roughage I did eat ...
I hope I die before I wake
'Cause another washing these sheets can't take! ...

Good night, my little Roseanne Roseannadanna!

Jane Curtin: Good night, Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Good night, Jane! Come here and let me touch your nose!

Jane Curtin: [putting a hand over Roseanne's mouth] That's the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[Cheers and applause, cut to a wide shot of the desk and fade.]

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