Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
... Jane Curtin
... Bill Murray
Gerald Hacker ... Harry Shearer
Danny Kreutzman ... Paul Shaffer
Roseanne Roseannadanna ... Gilda Radner
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with
the Weekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersons
Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: [clock on the wall reads NEW
MEXICO] Good evening. I'm Jane Curtin. Here now the
news. Our top story tonight:
New evidence revealed this week may force the exhuming
of the body of Lee Harvey Oswald. Discrepancies
between autopsy reports and Oswald's Marine records
have led some to believe that the man occupying
Oswald's grave was an agent of the KGB. After hearing
this, Senator Ted Kennedy said, "If it's not Oswald,
I'm not running." ...
Following a false report that Soviet president Leonid
Brezhnev had died, a Communist Party official said,
quote, "With rumors like that, he should live for a
hundred years." End quote. Meanwhile, Brezhnev, to
show that he was still healthy and active - [photo of
Brezhnev leaning on two distinguished statesmen] -
posed for this picture lifting Foreign Minister Andrei
Gromyko while picking the pocket of West German
Chancellor Helmut Schmidt. ... [Doctored photo of the
Beatles' "Abbey Road" album cover with Brezhnev's head
replacing Paul McCartney's] And, in a related story,
Moscow correspondents are puzzled over why Brezhnev is
barefoot on the cover of his new album. ... They also
claim that if the tape of last week's Politburo
meeting is played backwards, a party secretary can be
heard muttering, "I buried Leonid." ...
Mother Teresa, the nun whose work in the slums of
Calcutta won her the Nobel Peace Prize, has already
decided how she'll spend her prize money. This week
she goes shopping for a Mercedes 450 and then plans
to, quote, "get the hell out of this jerkwater town."
End quote. ...
Bill Murray: It took six days to count all the
votes in last Saturday's non-binding Florida caucus
elections and the winner was finally announced
yesterday. Jimmy Carter defeated Senator Edward
Kennedy by a 2 to 1 margin in an election that drew
few voters and had no official effect. The
pre-campaign scene now has shifted to England and for
a live report, here's Weekend Update political
correspondent Gerald Hacker in London.
[Fade out and in to pompous newsman Gerald Hacker
seated beneath a clock and a sign reading WEEKEND
UPDATE / LONDON. SUPER: LIVE VIA SATELLITE]
Gerald Hacker: Bill, the idea of foreigners
voting for American presidential hopefuls is a new
one. But it seems to have caught on in North Dorking,
a town of twenty-two thousand, southwest of London.
Today's North Dorking straw vote was organized by a
young Englishwoman whose previous political experience
was limited to reading the European edition of Time
[Cut to interview footage with bespectacled
Englishwoman. SUPER: LESLEY ELIOT / Straw Vote
Lesley Eliot: If the States get a really
dreadful president, it's not just you people who
suffer, is it? I mean, we all have to live with him,
you know. So I was thinking, why not give some
Englishmen a chance to have a vote on it. Maybe at the
same time, that'll attract a lot of Americans over
here and do something for the economy of North
[Cut to interview footage with bespectacled American
man. SUPER: DANNY KREUTZMAN / Kennedy
Danny Kreutzman: I heard about what Miss Elliot
was doing when I was over here, er, making some
arrangements for Meat Loaf's first European tour and,
uh, I became interested from the standpoint of setting
up a committee which would, by its very nature, draw
some financial support from, uh, sources who were
interested in seeing Senator Kennedy defeat President
Carter in something, somewhere, uh, at some point in
the present, and of course, uh, those funds would go -
to me. ...
[Cut back to pompous newsman Gerald Hacker.]
Gerald Hacker: When Carter Administration
officials became aware of Kreutzman's activities on
behalf of Kennedy, they sprang into action. Earlier
this week, Defense Secretary Harold Brown visited
North Dorking, promising that if the Pentagon ever has
to be moved outside the continental United States for
security reasons, North Dorking would receive the
highest consideration as an alternative site. That
construction project could pump as much as two hundred
billion dollars into the local economy.
[Cut to montage of voters on the street. SUPER: NORTH
DORKING / St. John's Parish]
Gerald Hacker V/O: Then North Dorking voted. As
in Florida, the turnout was small but vocal.
Especially after voters were repeatedly asked to say
Male Voter: Well, he's a Kennedy, isn't he? I
mean, he's not the Kennedy but he's a
Kennedy. Isn't he?
Female Voter: I like Mr. Carter best. I like
his smile, his blue eyes -- and he hasn't got a dog.
Give me a man without a dog!
[Cut back to pompous newsman Gerald Hacker.]
Gerald Hacker: Today's straw vote was
completely unofficial so official results will be hard
to come by. But whoever wins, the psychological
momentum resulting from a victory so far from home
could have crucial impact on next week's
Kennedy-Carter confrontation -- a ten kilometer run
sponsored by the Washington Post. ... But for now, the
best thing we can say is: we don't know anything at
all about any of this. From London, this is Gerald
Hacker reporting for Weekend Update.
[Fade. Applause. Cut back to Jane at the WU
Jane Curtin: Thank you, Gerald. I'm sure we'll
be hearing a lot from you.
Gerald R. Ford said yesterday that he will not run for
president in 1980. Ford said that he thinks President
Carter will be reelected because, quote, "An incumbent
president would have to be an idiot to lose. ... The
incumbency is a great advantage, I wish I had it when
I was president." End quote. ...
[Photo of Bianca Jagger who looks quite a bit like
husband Mick Jagger] Well, the masquerade is over. A
dejected Mick Jagger left a London court this week
after losing a long battle to get a divorce from
himself. ... Jagger, a graduate of the London School
of Economics, hoped that by creating the character of
"Bianca," he could pay himself alimony and reap
tremendous tax benefits. ... [applause] But, following
the verdict, the British rock star vowed to abandon
the charade and promised the world it would never see
Bianca again. ...
Princess Margaret, while on a visit to Chicago last
week, shocked the guests at a dinner party by
referring to the Irish as "pigs." That is the subject
of tonight's commentary by Bill Murray.
Bill Murray: [in front of a clock labeled NEW
BRUNSWICK] So the Irish are pigs? James Joyce, Sean
O'Casey, George Bernard Shaw -- pigs. What about Nolan
Ryan? Eddie Murray of the Orioles? Willie Stargell.
Bill Madlock. Tim Foley, who came over from the Mets,
what a trade that turned out for the bucks. Chuck
Connors with the Cubs and then went to "The Rifleman."
Mike Connors. Mike Connors, Mannix. I don't believe
Princess Margaret thinks Mannix is a pig. ...
Everybody's very upset about it but I say, let her
slide on this. I mean, let the woman slide. I know
what you're saying, "Bill, you're Irish." I'm a
hundred per cent Irish. I'm an American - but the
blood is green. ... I say, let her slide. I mean, she
was just 'faced, that's all. She was just 'faced. I
mean, she hits Chicago, she goes out to dinner with
some wild green animals in that town, has a few
cocktails and she just gets 'faced, you know. She
turns to the Irish mayor of Chicago, Jane Byrne, says
the Irish are pigs. Tell me she wasn't too 'faced or
nothin'. Not much she wasn't. So let her slide. You
know, when somebody gets 'faced, you let 'em slide on
that, especially, you know, a girl -- when they get
'faced. And, especially, a member of the royal family,
Back in England, she's the queen's sister. She can't
get weird at all, you know. And, you know, if people
don't let you get weird nowadays, you get irreversibly
weird, I think. So let her slide! Come on, this is
America. Look -- Princess Margaret is a pig. She's a
slut, she's a tramp, she's a slime bucket. So what?
Right. Exactly. I can say this. She's lettin' me
slide. ... You know why? Because this is America. And
because I am 'faced. ... I am completely 'faced. I
don't know if this is even makin' any sense. Listen,
she was 'faced. I am 'faced. So let us both
slide on this. God, am I 'faced. ... Jane, are you as
'faced as I am? ... I am completely 'faced.
[begins to read the next news item] Yesterday was Amy
Carter's twelfth birthday and, as usual, her family
and friends had a tough time picking-- I am
'faced! ... Yesterday was - was Amy Carter's
twelfth birthday and, as usual, her family and friends
had a tough time picking out the proper presents.
After all, what do you give a girl who has nothing?
Jane Curtin: This week, many commercial banks
brought bad news to prospective homeowners by raising
the mortgage rate to a record twelve per cent. This no
doubt will prevent thousands from purchasing a house
because they can't get financing. Here to comment
further on this situation is Update's economic
advisor, Roseanne Roseannadanna.
[Huge cheers and applause as we pan over to e loud
Latina woman with the increasingly frizzy
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane!
Thanks a lot! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New
Jersey writes in and says:
Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,
New Jersey is no longer my cup of tea. I hate livin'
here, I hate my job, I hate my kids, I hate the
Giants, I want to move, I can't get a mortgage, what
should I do?
Well, Mr. Feder, I know exactly what you're goin'
through 'cause this past summer, I -- Roseanne
Roseannadanna -- rented a house that I couldn't afford
in this real hotsy-totsy place called East Hampton.
... East Hampton is this cute tiny town on Long Island
where everybody who's anybody goes to spend the
summer. And I really love those Hamptons 'cause the
air is clean and you got the ocean and the trees --
plus, you get to see a lot of famous people wearin'
cute little white shorts, joggin' and ridin' bicycles
and sweatin' and breathin' like pigs! ...
Everybody out there is like a real health nut. They
play tennis and read a lot of books by Adelle Davis.
Now, Adelle Davis was that real smart dead lady who on
wrote on how to stay healthy and all those books that
got the same title: "Let's Eat Right" "Let's Be Thin"
"Let's Keep Fit" "Let's Look Good" "Let's Live Long"
"Let's Be Alive" "Let's Keep You Alive" "Let's Keep Me
Alive" "I Don't Wanna Die" "I'm Dead" "What Went
Wrong?" ... [cheers and applause]
And I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, learned if you want to
stay fit in the Hamptons, you gotta eat a lot of
roughage. And do you know what roughage is? It's that
food that goes right through you like a fast train and
drags other stuff along with it so they don't hang
around too long to rot and stink up your insides. ...
Now, imagine, if you could, the inside of your body as
a big, long curving around pipe, like under a sink,
with all these ugly germs and pieces o' red meat and
diet soda and Twinkies and monosodium glutamate and
stuff, sittin' there and cloggin' up everything. But
then -- this roughage stuff comes along and cleans out
everything! Just like Liquid Plumr! And gets you zippy
The only trouble is, I hate eatin' that roughage
stuff. Like, I got invited to this one party that was
given at the private estate of Mr. Designer himself,
Yves St. Laurent. And do you know what they had to
eat? A thing they call crudité! That's French. And it
means celery sticks, carrot sticks, sliced radishes,
raw broccoli, raw cauliflower, raw mushrooms, and a
yogurt dip! ... Now, what kinda great party is that?
... Crudité? Not only does it taste bland, like your
foot or something ... but there's so much crunchin'
goin' on, ya can't hear what anybody's talkin' about.
Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch. And who's crunchin'
the loudest and drinkin' bottles of Perrier but the
hotshot host himself, St. Laurent. He looked real
healthy but every two minutes he excuses himself to go
to the bathroom! ... Well, one time, when he came out,
just between you and me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, I
noticed that he had a little tiny wet spot on his
white pants right below his zipper. ... It looked like
a little raindrop! Or like a little clear splotch!
Well, I thought I was gonna die! ... I said, "Hey!
Frenchie! Did that splotch come out o' you?" And he
says, [French accent] "No way, ze water splash up from
ze sink, I swear!"
But none of us believed him and we had to leave the
party 'cause he was makin' all of us sick, you know?!
... It wasn't rainin', there's a drop on his pants! I
couldn't believe it!
Jane Curtin: You're making all of us sick,
Roseanne Roseannadanna: What's your problem?
Don't you like French?
Jane Curtin: You're supposed to come here and
talk about a man who wants to buy a house -- not about
roughage and Yves St. Laurent.
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane, it just
goes to show ya. It's always somethin'! If it's not
one thing, it's another! Either you can't get a
mortgage or it rains on your zipper. It's just like
the little prayer that my father used to say to me
before I went to sleep at night. He'd make sure I was
all tucked in, snug and cozy and everything and he'd
tell me this prayer that was written by my very
religious aunt -- Hosanna Roseannadanna. ... I'm gonna
tell it to you.
Now I lay me down to sleep
After a lot of roughage I did eat ...
I hope I die before I wake
'Cause another washing these sheets can't take!
Good night, my little Roseanne Roseannadanna!
Jane Curtin: Good night, Roseanne
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Good night, Jane! Come
here and let me touch your nose!
Jane Curtin: [putting a hand over Roseanne's
mouth] That's the news. Good night and have a pleasant
[Cheers and applause, cut to a wide shot of the desk