Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 3

79c: Bill Russell / Chicago

Barry White's Big And Tall That's All

Barry White.....Howard Johnson
Duke.....Bill Russell
Lonny.....Garrett Morris
Female Customer #1.....Laraine Newman
Female Customer #2.....Jane Curtin
White Man.....??
Jenny Rocker.....Gilda Radner
Ron.....Bill Murray
Black Man.....??

[ open on Barry White playing on piano ]

Barry White: Hi, I'm Barry White. If you're a big man or a tall man, I have good news for you. Yuor days of trying to find stylish clothes at your hard-to-find size are over. One of my Barry White's Big And Tall That's All stores is now open in your area. So, remember: [ he plays the piano and sings ] "If you're big / And if you're tall / And you want style / Then don't you stall / Come to Big And Tall That's All."

[ dissolve to product card ]

Announcer: Big And Tall That's All. At Cedarcrest Mall, where parking is NEVER a problem.

[ dissolve to Duke and Lonny watching the commercial on a small TV at the Cedarcrest Mall's Barry White's Big And Tall That's All store ]

Duke: You know, that commercial's been running for a week now, and, uh, I hate to say it, but... I don't think it's helped one bit!

Lonny: Oh, no, no, no, no! I think it's working, man! Now everybody knows... that we only sell for big and tall men! Only!

Duke: But we're not advertising just so the regular-sized guys know not to come here. We're looking for big and tall that's all. And where are they? I want to know!

Lonny: Hey, man, look -- it wasn't my idea to invest ALL our money in this Barry White franchise! Now, I wanted to buy that Arthur Treaches over there on the turnpike! You know that!

Duke: Yeah, but who insisted on coming to this mall? It's more like a coal mine that a mall!

Lonny: Look, don't worry, Duke -- the commercial will WORK! Man, I bet there are THOUSANDS of big and tall men who have SEEN our commercial, baby!

Duke: No, no. Probably a lot of tall guys saw it. But I don't know about the big ones. Yuo see, one of those advertising guys told me that a lot of fat people -- I'm sorry -- a lot of BIG people, they never get to see commercials... because that's when they get up to go to the refrigerator. And he says if we want to get to the BIG people... we'll have to advertise on milk cartons.

Lonny: Now, why didn't you tell me Eddie said that, man? Why idn't you tell me he said that?

Duke: Well, Lonny, I didn't want to tell you because, uh, I didn't want to hurt your feelings, because I know how sensitive you are about your size.

[ Lonny saunters away, hurt, as two female customers enter ]

Female Customer #1: Hi! Is the store for, uh, fat men?

Duke: We feature clothes for big and tall people.

Female Customer #2: Yeah, well, we need a belt for a FAT man. you know? Do you have something, uhhhh, for someone with about like a... 44-inch stomach?

Duke: [ he holds up a belt ] Well, now, uh -- we've got a belt here, but it's, uh, 48. But you can, uh... put some more holes in it.

Female Customer #2: [ examining the belt ] That looks like a belt for a weather balloon!

Female Customer #1: [ laughing ] Can you imagine the pork butt that's gonna fit around!

Female Customer #2: It makes me SICK just thinking about it.

Female Customer #1: Listen, uh -- is there another men's store in this mall?

Duke: Uh -- there used to be another one. This is the only one now, because, uh... Floyd Hunger had a men's shop down there, but, uh, they had a fire about a month ago and, uh, they're not open any more.

Female Customer #2: [ to her friend ] Why don't we just get him some aftershave, okay?

Female Customer #1: Good idea.

Female Customer #2: Yeah.

[ they turn to leave ]

Lonny: Okay, why don't you try over at Clifford's? There's a lot of nice skinny people working over there.

[ they exit, as a big and tall white man enters ]

Lonny: Heyyy! Welcome to our store! Come on in!

White Man: Do you have any Size 54 suits with vests?

Lonny: We have a whole selection of 54s! You have come to the right store! Now, how did you hear about us? Did you see our ad on TV?

[ Duke steps forward with a Size 54 suit and vest ]

White Man: Uh, no. I heard some people talking about it.

Lonny: Well, do you remember what it was? Was it on Tv, then?

White Man: I don't remember exactly where it was. I think, maybe, it was at Mr. Doland. Uh, no, no -- I think it was a Dairy Queen!

Lonny: Ah, Dairy Queen. Aha. Uh, yeah, uh -- try this on, man. This is just the style.

White Man: This isn't really what I had in mind...

Duke: Oh, yeah. That'd look cool on you. You gotta try this on. You GOT to try this! [ he removes the man's jacket and puts their jacket on him ]

Lonny: Look at that, look at that! Look at that, it's perfect! It's perfect!

Duke: It looks like you lost thirty pounds, just putting it on.

Lonny: Yeah, man! You ought to buy Barry White all the time!

White Man: I like the fit... but I think the style just isn't right.

Lonny: Why don't you try on the pants, man?

White Man: Uhhh -- I gotta go. I gotta go. I left my dog in the car.

Lonny: Well, you could bring him in here! I mean, we'll take care of him, man! You know, we'll take him while you try on a suit!

White Man: Okay. I might do that. Uhhh -- I might come back... if he's not tired. [ he grabs his jacket and rushes out ] He's not tired...

Duke: Well... I thought we had one there.

Lonny: He might be BACK, man, if his DOG'S not tired! I'm SURE he'll be back!

[ Jenny rocker and Ron enter ]

Jenny Rocker: Hi, Duke! Hi, Lonny! Hi!

Duke: You just getting back?

Jenny Rocker: Oh, yeah. We had to wait a long time to see him.

Ron: It was the first time I ever gave a haircut in jail! I've given them in hospitals and mortuaries, offices -- Floyd was my first jail haircut!

Duke: How are his spirits?

Lonny: I can't believe it -- Floyd Hunger in the slammer.

Jenny Rocker: Right.

Ron: He's in pretty good shape, considering the charges. You know, arson is not a petty crime. You know, I'll bet the styles are gonna be altogether different by the time he gets out and starts selling suits again.

Jenny Rocker: Oh, right -- he wanted me to thank you for the Barry White poster. He said that it was a big hit down there!

Lonny: He wasn't mad at you, Jenny?

Jenny Rocker: Oh, no -- he understood. You know how wonderful Floyd is. I feel terrible.

Ron: Come on, Jenny... forget it, it wasn't your fault. If I were Floyd's neighbor, and I saw his garage light on at three in the morning, I would have thought somebody had broken in there... and I probably would have reported it to the police, too. Whoever thought, you know, they'd find Floyd in there cutting the labels out of all those suits?

Jenny Rocker: Poor Floyd.

Duke: Hey, uh -- did you tell him about his wife running around with the guy who had the dress shop in the new mall?

Jenny Rocker: Oh, no. We didn't want to upset him. You know how MAD Floyd gets whenever anybody even mentions the new mall.

Ron: I gotta get going. [ he looks out the door and whispers ] Ooh, it looks like you guys got a customer...

[ Ron and Jennry exit, as the big and tall Black man enters ]

Duke: Can I help you?

Black Man: Uh, do you know when the Scotch tape store over there is gonna open up?

[ Jenny peeks back in ]

Duke: [ pointing ] Uh -- that's the proprieter there?

Jenny Rocker: Did you want to buy some tape?

Black Man: Yeah. I've been waiting over there for about fifteen minutes.

Jenny Rocker: Well, I was just going back to the store. Now, did you want -- why don't you coem with me. [ she steps away ] Did you want the thirty-nine-center or the rwenty-seven-center? The thirty-nine-center is a better deal --

[ they walk out of the shop together, as Duke and Lonny stare at one another in bewilderment ]

[ camera pulls out, with SUPER: "coming up next: Studio 54, Wehre Are You?" ]

[ fade ]

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