Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 5: Episode 5














79e: Bea Arthur / The Roches

Aunt Judy's Basement

Aunt Judy.....Bea Arthur
Susan.....Jane Curtin
Laraine.....Laraine Newman
Bobby.....Bill Murray
Andy.....Paul Shaffer

[ open on interior, Aunt Judy's basement, as she leads four adults downstairs ]

Aunt Judy: Wait until you see it! I even fixed it up since you were here last! Oh -- I'm sure, though, you all recognize the table!

Bobby: Oh, yeah. We should, Aunt Judy -- you make us eat down here every Thanksgiving.

[ the four adults take their seats around the card table ]

Aunt Judy: Oh, Bobby... Now, Bobby, I hope you're really not upset about this.

Bobby: I don't know... I'll be fine.

Aunt Judy: Now, look -- if anybody wants seconds, Andy can get it for you. And don't forget: We're ALL going to be having dessert together in the living room, in just about an hour!

Andy: Okay, Mom.

The Girls: Thanks, Aunt Judy...

[ Aunt Judy exits upstairs ]

Bobby: [ snidely ] Thanks a LOT, Aunt Judy! I don't believe we get suckered into this every year. When I was 12, Aunt Judy said everyone under 15 had to eat Thanksgiving dinner in the basement. When I was 15, Aunt Judy said everyone under 21 had to eat in the basement. I'm 26 now! Aunt Judy says everyone under 30 has to eat in the basement! I don't want to eat down here any more! I want to sit with the GROWN-UPS, in the DINING ROOM!

Susan: Bob, would you please RELAX?! You make the same FUSS every year! If it's any consolation to you, I once ate Thanksgiving upstairs with the adults, and it's no better than it is down here.

Bobby: That's not the point! I just think it's insulting that at all these family reunions, we're still treated like we're in Kindergarten!

Laraine: Oh, God... you should have learned to live with it by now, Bob, I mean... I've kind of come to look at sitting at the Kiddie Table as kind of a lovely Thanksgiving tradition!

Andy: Yeah! Me, too. Hey, remember that Thanksgiving when we were nine? We had that contest to see who could stuff the most food in their mouth? Remember that?

Bobby: Remember the year that I made you laugh while you were drinking a milk, and it came all out your nose all over Susan's plate! [ he screams ] Boy, did you girls ever get ticked off by that!

Susan: Do you think we could change the subject? I don't think this is proper dinner conversation.

Laraine: You guys are really grossing us out, okay?

Bobby: Ohhh. You girls are just big BABIES, that's all.

Laraine: I'm afraid not!

Bobby: I'm afraid so!

Laraine: I'm afraid NOT, you big jerk!

Bobby: Perhaps not, but what are you?

Susan: Would everyone PLEASE start acting their age again?!

Andy: Oh, who appointed you Miss Maturity all of a sudden?

Susan: Why don't you just keep out of this? You're only a cousin, I'm their sister!

Laraine: See what I mean about the boys ALWAYS ruining our Thanksgiving dinner?

Andy: [ mimicking her ] See what I mean about the boys ALWAYS ruining our Thanksgiving dinner?

Laraine: Ha ha, that's very funny.

Andy: [ mimicking her ] Ha ha, that's very funny.

Laraine: Stop mocking me!

Andy: [ mimicking her ] Stop mocking me!

Laraine: Cut it out, okay?

Andy: [ mimicking her ] Cut it out, okay?

Laraine: I'm telling Aunt Judy RIGHT NOW!!

Andy: [ mimicking her ] I'm telling Aunt Judy RIGHT NOW!!

Laraine: [ jumping to her feet ] Stop it! [ calling upstairs ] JUDYYYYYY!!! AUNT JUDY!!

Susan: [ to Bobby ] Oh, I suppose you really approve of his antics, don't you?

Bobby: What's it to you, anyway? [ he fakes a punch at her ] Ahh!! Yuo flinched! [ he punches her shoulder ]

Susan: OW!!! That's ridiculous! You didn't hit me for no good reason!

Bobby: That didn't hurt! Look, I'll do it to myself! [ he punches his arm ] See? [ he repeats ] No flinch! No flinch! [ he fakes a punch at Susan ]

Susan: Aggghhh!!!

Bobby: You flinched! [ he punches her ]

Susan: OWW!!!

[ Susan joins Laraine at the foot of the stairs ]

Susan: AUNT JUDYYYYY!!!

Andy: We're not doing anything, Mom!

Bobby: Pay no attention to her, she's nothing but a big baby!!

[ Andy returns to the table ]

Bobby: Say, how are things working out with you and medical school?

Andy: It's pretty good. You know, you gotta specialize these days. I'm, uh, I'm thinking about Radiology.

Bobby: Yeah?

[ Aunt Judy calls down ]

Aunt Judy: What is going ON down there?!

Andy: Ah, just talking about medical school, Ma.

Laraine: Yeah, like FUN you were!

Bobby: We were SOOOOO!!

[ Aunt Judy appears ]

Aunt Judy: Now, look here! Yuo can jolly well straighten up or NOT expect to join us for dessert! Honestly, I'd like to think that the FOUR of you could come and have Thanksgiving dinner just ONCE without so much rough housing!

Andy: Sorry, Mom.

Laraine: Sorry, Aunt Judy.

Susan: Sorry.

[ Aunt Judy returns upstairs, as the adutls return to the Kiddie Table ]

Bobby: You little squealers! Wait'll we go outside and play -- you're gonna GET IT!

[ Andy holds a piece of meat over Susan's head ]

Susan: Don't you DARE!! AUNT JUDYYYYY!!!

[ the four of them start rough housing all over again, as the scene fades ]


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