Dark Shadows

Dad.....Martin Sheen
Little Girl.....Gilda Radner
Mom.....Jane Curtin
Electrician.....Garrett Morris



Dad: [ reading from "The Raven" ] "'Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!' Quoth the Raven, 'Nevermore.'" [ laughs lightly ] Did you like that?

Little Girl: Uh.. yeah.. the talking bird was real neat.. Read me another one, Daddy!

Dad: No, no, no! no more tonight, Jenny! It's time for this little girl to go to bed.

Little Girl: Alright..

Dad: Good girl. [ kisses her on the forehead ] Goodnight, sweetheart!

Little Girl: Goodnight! [ Dad turns the light off as he exits her bedroom, but, following the story, the Little Girl is suddenly frightened by the dark ] Dad! Mom! Help! Help, come quick!

Mom: [ rushing in ] What's the matter?!

Little Girl: Help! Look! There's a bear in the corner!

Mom: [ approaching the corner ] Honey, it's just your clothes making a shadow on the wall, I'll fix it..

Dad: [ rushing in ] What's the matter? What's going on in here?

Mom: Jenny thought these clothes were a bear.

Dad: [ laughing ] Oh, how ridiculous! We know there are no bears in here. Now, come on, young lady, let's all get to sleep.

Little Girl: Okay. I'm sorry.

Mom: Goodnight, honey.

Little Girl: Goodnight..

[ Mom and Dad exit the room and turn off the lights ]

Mom: What were you reading to her? Honestly, I don't understand you..

Dad: Oh, it's just a little Poe!

[ the Little Girl sits alone in the dark, as a mysterious figure opens the door, enters the room and lights a cigarette ]

Little Girl: Dadddy.. is that you..?

Electrician: [ frightened ] Who said that?!

Little Girl: [ screams ] Aaagghh! Mom! Dad! Come quick!

Mom: [ rushing in ] What happened?

Little Girl: There's a strange man in the room!

Dad: Oh, don't be silly! It's only the electrician, Mr. Spencer!

Mom: Don't you remember him, dear? He was here just a week ago.

Little Girl: [ trying to calm down ] Yea-ah.. But what's he doing in my room now?!

Mom: He left his tool box. We told him he could come by sometime and get it.

Dad: We're awfully sorry about this, Mr. Spencer.. my goodness, you're shaking like a leaf, your heart's beating a mile a minute, are you okay?

Electrician: [ shaking ] This girl here scared the bejeesus out of me, man!

Dad: Gosh, I'm awfully sorry.

Mom: [ to Little Girl ] Now, don't you think you owe Mr. Spencer an apology?

Little Girl: I'm sorry, Mr. Spencer..

Electrician: Never mind the apology, man! Just keep her away from me!

Dad: Is there anything I can do..?

Electrician: No, you've done enough! [ exits room as Dad follows ]

Dad: I'm so embarrassed..

Electrician: You oughtta be!

Mom: [ to Little Girl ] Now, honey, this is what happens when you stay up too late at night. Now, can we have no more of these hijinks, please?

Little Girl: Okay, I'm sorry..

Mom: Okay. Goodnight.

[ Mom exits bedroom and turns out the light. Soon after, the Little Girl's bed start to bounce up and down ]

Little Girl: Help! Help me! Mom! Dad! Help!

[ Mom and Dad rush back in again, angry ]

Dad: What's the matter?! Young lady, what is this about! I'm just about at my wit's end with you!

Little Girl: Oh, there's ghosts under the bed!

Dad: [ angry ] Will you give me a break, young lady!
Mom: Honey, there are no ghosts underneath the bed. It's just a family of gypsies your father said could camp here a while.. [ lifts the bedsheet as the gypsies crawl out ]

Dad: Now, look - you 've gone and woke them up! [ to the gypsies ] Oh, look, I'm terribly sorry! What can I do? I had no idea that she would act this way.. how about staying in the den..? [ the gypsies exit the room ] I know a certain young lady who's going to have to go to bed awful extra early tomorrow night! Now you go to sleep, young lady!

Little Girl: I'm sorry..

Mom: And you can forget about that slumber party this weekend!

Dad: Absolutely!

Little Girl: Can I put the light on?

Dad: No! I don't work hard at work all day so I can support Tom Edison! Now get to sleep!

[ Mom and Dad exit the bedroom and turn off the light ]

Mom: I hope Shandor and the tribe weren't too upset..

[ the Little Girl remains alone in the dark room, but she can't seem to put her mind at ease, so she hops out of bed and turns on the light. Still unsatisfied, she peeks under the bed to check for monsters. Still not convinced, she decides to check the closet door, only to find a mutilated man holding a hatchet ] Mom? Dad? Could you just please come in here for a minute..?

Voice of Dad: If I have to come in there one more time, young lady, it had better be important!

Little Girl: [ opens the closet door to determine the magnitude of importance of the mutilated hatchet man inside, then closes the door and makes her decision ] Um.. it's okay! Forget it! Goodnight!

[ the Little Girl quickly jumps into bed and throws the covers over her body as the scene zooms out to black ]

[ SUPER: coming up next: Supreme Court Snap Judgments ]


SNL Transcripts