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Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
... Jane Curtin
... Bill Murray
Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with the Weekend
Update news team. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray
and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening. I'm Jane Curtin. Here now
the news. Our top story tonight:
[Photo of Ronald Reagan] Republican presidential
candidate Ronald Reagan said this morning that he
would not enter the Puerto Rican primary or, for that
matter, Puerto Rico. "Those people give me the
willies," Reagan commented.
[Photo of Joe Clark] Canadian Prime Minister Joe Clark
lost a vote of no confidence in the Canadian
Parliament this week. Evidently, members of Parliament
had been complaining that Clark's wife wouldn't sleep
with any of them and there is talk of bringing back
[Photo of Pierre Trudeau] former Prime Minister Pierre
Trudeau.
This week, the New England Journal of Medicine reports
that women who have intercourse during the last month
of pregnancy have had babies born with infections,
respiratory ailments and jaundice. The report further
states that the closer intercourse is to the baby's
birth, the more severe the effects. In several cases,
where the mother was sexually active shortly before
delivery, when the baby was born, it immediately asked
for a cigarette and a towel.
Bill?
Bill Murray:
[Image of a satellite orbiting Earth]
Well, the twenty million dollar RCA TV relay
communications satellite, SATCOM 3, that was lost this
week has been found [Photo of a black guy carrying a
huge ghettoblaster on his shoulder] by Lonnie
Washington, an unemployed maintenance man in Harlem,
New York. Mr. Washington has evaded authorities,
claiming, "This thing picks up so many stations and
plays real loud, I ain't giving this sucker back to
nobody."
[Photo of an elderly man in an examination room] It's
kind of lonely when the old gang's all gone but Walter
Pinel doesn't seem to mind. He's the last surviving
member of the Woodstock Nation, that tumultuous rock
festival held in Woodstock, New York over ten years
ago. Walter's a doctor now and although he has many
fine memories of Woodstock, he can't remember them.
Today, December 15th, was the expiration date for the
half fare airline discount coupons. One of these
cut-rate plans works something like this. Say you flew
from Mexico to New York to Texas. Well, for only five
dollars more, you could fly to Panama. Well, the Shah
of Iran did just that today. The Shah is a rich man
but he's frugal and I - I like that, really.
Jane?
Jane Curtin:
Well, Bill, money isn't everything. Try
to imagine yourself without a home, without a country,
and without a gall bladder. Believe me, it's a
depressing way to spend the holidays. If there's an
ailing exiled king in your life, why not grab a pen
and paper and send the Shah a get well card at this
address: Poor Pahlevi, Panama City, Panama. Or just
drop it off at your local Exxon station and they'll
see that he gets it. You'll be glad you did.
This week, the Senate voted overwhelmingly to put an
additional three million dollars in paper currency
into circulation. This drive was spearheaded by
Senators Percy of Illinois, Cohen of Maine, Nunn of
Georgia, and Chiles of Florida. Expected to reap
immediate benefits are Cadillac dealers, fancy French
restaurants, and Washington area escort services.
[Graphic of the Mobil Oil corporate logo] The
Department of Energy accused Mobil Oil Corporation and
three other companies this week of overcharging by
more than one billion dollars for petroleum products.
[Photo of SNL writer Alan Zweibel] The only victim of
the overpricing seems to have been Mr. Gary Leonard of
Tucson, Arizona who was charged one billion, seventeen
dollars to have the tank of his Vega filled with
unleaded. Remarked Mr. Leonard, "I guess I just must
have the face of a big sap."
Bill?
Bill Murray:
Colombia's worst earthquake in history
left hundreds dead and thousands homeless. [Photo of
man standing in front of a smashed house] And, to make
things worse, homeowner Hector Lopez also complained
of rampant teenage vandalism. Quote, "I think some
kids came in during the quake and knocked over all my
furniture."
[Photo of kneeling Iranian men, their boots lined up
before them] And the Iranian school for boot salesmen
held its graduation ceremonies this week and the
entire class was snapped up by shoe stores all over
the Middle East.
Bill Murray: Well, it's holiday time again. A lot of
big movies coming out, trying to earn your hard-earned
buckskis before you get a chance to spend 'em on gifts
for your loved ones. Let me tell you my opinions and
you can decide for yourselves which ones you should see.
[Graphic of poster for "Star Trek: The Motion Picture"
appears on screen behind Murray]
Uh, first, there's "Star Trek" -- don't bother. I
went, I didn't get it. It's like something from outer
space. It's completely unrealistic, completely
unbelievable. Who dresses like that? Nobody I know. It
may have been a good idea for TV -- they probably
should have tried that first.
[Poster for "The Electric Horseman"]
Uh, "The Electric Horseman" stars Redford and Fonda.
As you can see here, uh, Fonda wears jeans, Redford
picks her up in the air. I think it's a nice idea. I
like it, I kind o' like it.
[Photo of James Caan and Marsha Mason in "Chapter Two"]
"Chapter Two" is Neil Simon's new movie but I never
saw "Chapter One." I think anybody who goes to see
"Chapter Two" without seeing "Chapter One" is a jerk.
[Photo of Steve Martin in "The Jerk"]
Which brings me to "The Jerk." Steve Martin is a
friend. As a matter of fact, I was in the movie but
cut out of it. That doesn't influence my opinion. The
movie is a dog. There's something missing. I don't--
Who it is, I can't say.
[Poster art for Steven Spielberg's "1941" starring
John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd, among others]
Finally, "1941" -- once again, I never saw "1940" --
but everyone in the newspapers and the press is
panning this movie so I am gonna jump on the bandwagon
here. The stars, in alphabetical order, are Ned
Beatty, Carrie Fisher and Christopher Lee. As you all
know, Carrie and Chris Lee have both been on Saturday
Night Live and, if you ask me, they should never have
left the show. And, once again, I don't get it. What's
so funny about killing Japs? I don't get it.
Didn't we learn anything from "Coming Home," from
"Deer Hunter," from "Taxi Driver"? War! Huh! What is
it good for? Absolutely nothing! And so is "1941."
When Chris and Carrie told me they were leaving
Saturday Night to do this movie, I said, "Why? Steve
Spielberg is great with the mechanical shark and the
flying saucer but the guy wouldn't know funny if it
bit him in the underwear." They wouldn't listen and
now they have this Christmas turkey on their hands.
And now my two old friends are gonna have the most
miserable Christmas of their lives. And we all know
that more suicides occur at Christmas than any other
time. But don't let these movies spoil your holidays.
Take the kids to see "Meatballs" again. It's a warm
story. It's perfect for Christmas. It's a good cast,
got a great [?]. Have a merry Christmas.
Submitted Anonymously
SNL Transcripts
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