Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 12

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

February 23rd, 1980

Kirk Douglas

Sam & Dave


Lorne Michaels

Peter Aykroyd

Mitchell Laurance

Tom Schiller

Alan Zweibel

Paul Shaffer

Kirk's Dressing Room
Summary: Gilda Radner brings her Aunt Margie backstage to meet the real Kirk Douglas, who's not as he appears in the movies.



Kirk Douglas' Monologue
Summary: Kirk Douglas introduces his biggest fan in the audience -- his goddaughter, Alexandra.


What If?
Summary: Spartacus (Kirk Douglas).

The Micro-Dentists
Summary: Micro-dentists team (Kirk Douglas, Bill Murray, Laraine Newman) shrink their size so they can fix Anwar Sadat's (Garrett Morris) teeth and battle Taste Buds.

Recurring Characters: Anwar Sadat.

Sam & Dave performs "You Don't Know Like I Know"

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
Summary: Ronald Reagan (Harry Shearer) demonstrates some off-color jokes in his new commercial. Al Franken wants to reinstate the draft so he won't have to go to war.

Recurring Characters: Ronald Reagan.

Nick Collins
Summary: A drunken Nick Collins (Bill Murray) performs at the Lieberman bar mitzvah.

Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer.

Prime Time Saturday
Summary: Tom Snyder (Harry Shearer) interviews the brothers of Republican Party candidates.

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.


Kirk's Greatest Kirks
Summary: Kirk Douglas does impressions of the people who do impressions of him.

Schiller's Reel
Summary: In "Mask of Fear", a tense breaking-and-entering episode turns into an afternoon of skiing.

Sam & Dave perform "Soul Man"

Summary: Sardi's bathroom attendant (Gilda Radner) asks Kirk Douglas for his autograph.


SNL Transcripts