Kirk's Dressing Room

.....Gilda Radner
.....Gilda's Aunt
.....Kirk Douglas
.....Lorne Michaels

[ open outside Kirk Douglas' dressing room ]

Gilda Radner: Now, listen, Aunt Margie - the show's just about to start, so there's only time for you to peek in and say hello, okay?

Gilda's Aunt: Don't worry, Gilda. I won't bother him. I just want to see him!

Gilda Radner: Okay.

[ Gilda knocks on the door ]

Voice of Kirk: Come in!

[ Gilda and her Aunt enter the dressing room ]

Gilda Radner: Uh.. Kirk? Uh.. oh.. [ closes door ] Excuse me?

Kirk Douglas: Hi!

[ camera show Kirk standing about four feet from the ground ]

Gilda Radner: Uh.. Mr. Douglas, we don't mean to bother you, but I'd like you to meet a big fan of yours. This is my Aunt Margie.

Kirk Douglas: Well! [ walks forward, obviously on his knees ]

Gilda's Aunt: [ whispers to Gilda ] Are you sure this Kirk Douglas the movie star?

Gilda Radner: Now, Aunt Margie, listen.. the man's made 65 movies, what do you expect?

Gilda's Aunt: I'm sorry, but I was expecting something else, I-I-I..

Gilda Radner: Quiet! Sshhh! Mr. Douglas, I'd like to apologize for my Aunt Margie.

Kirk Douglas: There's no need. I know what she means. I'm used to it. Now, Aunt Margie, you expected a taller man, with a dimple in his chin? Uh.. could you reach that tie for me, please?

Gilda Radner: Uh, sure. [ grabs the tie and hands it to Kirk ]

Kirk Douglas: Thank you. [ starts to put it on ] No, Margie, that's just an illusion - makeup, a little Hollywood magic.. now, you didn't really think I had a hole in my chin, did you? Huh? [ Gilda laughs ]

[ Lorne Michaels enters the dressing room ]

Lorne Michaels: Kirk, the makeup people are here from Hollywood.

Kirk Douglas: What took them so long?

Gilda Radner: Oh, uh.. we'd better go..

Gilda's Aunt: Nice meeting you.

[ Gilda and her Aunt exit ]

Lorne Michaels: Their plane was late, because of the flooding in L.A.

[ Kirk walks across the room to grab a coat, as the Hollywood Makeup people enter ]

Okay, we'd better hurry - we have one minute to air! Kirk, do you think you'll be alright?

[ a costume designer enters with a fake pair of legs for Kirk ]

Kirk Douglas: Yeah, I think so! She might be a little loose, though.

Lorne Michaels: Okay, great. You know what? We have about 30 seconds, okay? [ exits the dressing room, walks past Gilda and her Aunt outside ]

Gilda's Aunt: It's amazing.. I've seen, maybe, 50 of his movies, but in person, he makes your Uncle Harry look good.

Gilda Radner: Yeah. Well, as they say in show business, "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

SNL Transcripts