Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

The Dating Zone

Jim Lange.....Bill Murray
Iris de Flaminio.....Jane Curtin
Shonda The Cat Lady.....Laraine Newman
Colleen Fernman.....Gilda Radner
Don Johnson.....Bob Newhart
Rod Serling.....Harry Shearer

[ open on game show set, "Spanish Flea" playing, as Jim Lange rushes onstage ]

Jim Lange: Hello, out there! I'm Jim Lange, and I hope you're ready to play America's favorite past time -- "The Dating Zone"! Before I introduce tonight's lucky bachelor, why don't we get to know tonight's three lucky bachelorettes? And heeeeeeee're they arrrrrrrre!

[ the set slowly swivels around to reveal tonight's three bachelorettes ]

Jim Lange: Bachelorette #1 hails from The Bronx, New York -- she collects swizzle sticks and cocktail napkins; a former go-go dancer, she hopes one day to be a go-go dancer again; meet: Iris de Flaminio!

Bachelorette #2 comes to us from Marina del Ray -- she enjoys decorating with snakes and piercing delicate tissue with hot-rinse precision tools, with whipped potatoes from 50 feet; let's say Hello to Shonda the Cat Lady!

And Bachelorette #3 is the Mata Hari of the group -- we don't know where she's from, and she doesn't know where she's from; her hobbies are staring and trying to milk animals that don't give milk; her favorite vegetable is herself, just kidding! Let's meet Colleen Fernman!

Now, it's time to meet the lucky guy who gets to score with one of these luscious lovelies -- and I don't mean Poise! [ he guffaws at his joke ] Let's make him feel welcome -- Don Johnson!

[ Don steps out relunctantly, carrying a bag of groceries ]

Jim Lange: Well, Don, I guess you're just rarin' to go!

Don Johnson: [ confused ] I -- uh -- see, I don't belong here. This, uh -- there's been some mistake. I-I-I need to get back home, my wife's waiting for me.

Jim Lange: It looks like loverboy's got a case of the jitters! Okay, Don -- have you got your prepared questions? [ he takes Don's groceries ]

Don Johnson: Mmm... uh -- no.

Jim Lange: Well, look in your breast pocket there!

[ Don begins to fish through his pockets, as "The Twilight Zone" music plays and the camera pans over to a dark stage with Rod Serling standing in the middle ]

Rod Serlinge: Meet Don Johnson. He's an ordinary man who goes out to pick up a few groceries for his wife. On his way home, he innocently accepts a free ticket to a TV game show, and finds himself trapped in a nightmare for which there is... no escape. Soon, he will be forced to choose between... [ slow pan across the bachelorettes ] Bachelorette #1, a sagging, burned-out boozehound; or Bachelorette #2, a bizarre deviant with a talent for torture; or Bachelorette #3, a woman-child whose mind swims with wisps of a life once pathetic... now tragic. Poor Don Johnson. He has just stumbled into... "The Dating Zone."

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ dissolve back to game show set ]

Jim Lange: Alright, Don "Juan" Johnson! Let's let the good times roll with the first question!

Don Johnson: [ looking at the card in his hand ] Do I -- do I have to read this?

Jim Lange: [ laughing ] Oh, come on, come on!

Don Johnson: You don't understand -- I-I love my wife.

Jim Lange: [ guffawing ] Come on!

Don Johnson: Alright, uh -- [ reading the card ] "Bachelorette #1: If I were an ice cream cone... what would you do to me, and what flavor would you want me to be?" [ he grimaces ]

Iris de Flaminio: I would let you get HOT and MELT... and then I'd catch the driplets with my tongue. And I would hope that you'd be Rum Raisin!

Don Johnson: [ disturbed ] Oh... okay. [ reading next card ] Uh -- "Bachelorette #2: What are the three things you'd consider essential for a great date?"

Shonda the Cat Lady: Uhhhh -- uh, let's see, um... manacles... raw meat... and, let's see... a makeshift plywood pillory. Yeah.

[ Jim guffaws loudly and touches his wrist with a sizzle ]

Don Johnson: Who is -- who is that? What's she talking about?

Jim Lange: [ laughing ] Don, you're just gonna have to wait and find out! Come on, come on!

Don Johnson: [ reading ] Uh -- "Bachelorette #3: What animal would you say you are most like?"

[ Colleen bounces her head in every direction without saying a word ]

Don Johnson: Bachelorette #3? What animal would you say you are most like?

[ Colleen continues to bounce her head in every direction without saying a word ]

Don Johnson: #3? Is someone there?

Jim Lange: [ enjoying this ] In a way, yeah!

Don Johnson: Uh -- #2: What animal?

Shonda the Cat Lady: Um -- what's that insect that bites the head off its mate during sex? You know the one? Um...

Don Johnson: Uh -- a praying mantis?

Shonda the Cat Lady: Oh! Yeah. Yeah.

Don Johnson: Num-- Number -- #1?

Iris de Flaminio: I know this doesn't exactly answer the question, but, in all honesty, I'd just like to sincerely say that I could show you a good time, sexually. I get a lot of guys who stay right through to the morning!

Don Johnson: Look, I'm -- I'm -- I'm a happily married man.

Jim Lange: Well, I don't think these babes really give a hot damn whether you're married or not, Don! So just go on and ask that next question, alright?

Don Johnson: Uh -- [ he reads the card ] "Bechelorette #3: If you were doing a crossword puzzle, and you needed a 5-letter word for "Cat", beginning with "P" and ending with "Y" --"

[ the theme music pots up ]

Jim Lange: Uh-oh! The time is up! Now, while Don decides, let's hear some of the PRIZES our runners-up will receive! Don Pardo?

Announcer: Well, Jim -- how about those Lapkiss Lucite Bar Stools? [ product slid appears ] The bar stools you LOVE to sit on! Or -- [ new product slide appears ] How about a complete set of handsome Mexican Tourister Luggage? And, last but not least -- [ new product slide appears ] An elegant Blt Buckle Hole Punch Kit by Fleschmaker! IF it's a hole by Flaschmaker... you KNOW it's not there!

[ dissolve back to Jim Lange ]

Jim Lange: Thank you, Don Pardo! And now the time of reckoning is upon us! Will it be... Bachelorette #1... Bachelorette #2... or Bachelorette #3?

Don Johnson: I -- I can't decide. I don't want any of them. I -- I mean, I don't date!

Jim Lange: Well, now you do, Don! So, go on -- make a selection.

Don Johnson: Uh -- [ he shrugs ] Num-- Number Three.

Jim Lange: Congratulations, #3! Come on, Don -- let's meet the bachelorettes you didn't meet. Bachelorette #1: Say Hello to Iris de Flaminio! Coem on ot here, Iris!

Iris de Flaminio: [ stepping down ] You'll NEVER know what you're missing! You're probably KICKING yourself right now, huh? [ she smacks Don playfully across the chest ]

Jim Lange: [ laughing ] And Bachelorette #2: Shonda the Cat Lady!

Shonda the Cat Lady: [ stepping down ] If you change your mind, I've got some tongue clamps back at my place!

Jim Lange: [ laughing ] You're a good sport! And now, let's meet our lucky winner -- your date-to-be: Bachelorette #3! She's a real space cadet, and hopes someday to have a personality! Meet Colleen Fernman! Colleen! [ she stretches out in her seat and glances around aimlessly ] Cooleen Fernman! [ she steps off in the wrong direction ] Colleen! [ she steps in the other direction ] Colleen Fernman! Come here, Colleen! [ she finally steps down ] Colleen Fernman! Colleen! [ she bumps into Don ] Ha, what a couple! You really look good together! [ she nuzzles against Don ] Well, I hope you both like to DANCE, because you're gonna boogie 'til you DROP to the disco beat of Jerry Kravat's Disco Orchestra in the revolving restaurant high atop the Holiday Inn in lovely Bakersfield, California! [ the audience cheers ] Oh, boy! Alright, you all ready to blow a big kiss? Alright?

[ Jim Lange blows a wet kiss to the audience and laughs, as the words "WET KISS" fly onto the screen ]

[ dissolve back to Rod Serling ]

Rod Serling: Submitted for your approval: Don Johnson, oppression's minion... tyranny's good sport. He accepted a free ticket and paid with his future. Now, he's locked in an eternal hell fate... [ Colleen wanders past Serling ] In "The Dating Zone"!

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

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