Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 5: Episode 18

79r: Bob Newhart / The Amazing Ryhthm Aces, Bruce Cockburn

Dave's Variety Store

written by: Matt Neuman

Dave.....Bob Newhart
Betty....Gilda Radner
Pete.....Bill Murray
Ruth.....Laraine Newman
Harry.....Harry Shearer
Mrs. Parker.....Jane Curtin
Tom.....Tom Davis
Garrett.....Garrett Morris
Isaac Stern's nephew.....Paul Shaffer
Alan.....Alan Zweibel

[ open on interior, Dave's Varuety Store, as the phone rings ]

Dave: [ answering phone ] Hello! Dave's Variety Store. Oh, hi, Katie. No, things are kinda slow today. As a matter of fact, your mom and I were thinking of closing up soon. I will. Good night, sweetheart. [ he hangs up ]

Betty: [ entering from back room ] I, uh, put those boxes out in the back, honey.

Dave: Oh, good, we could use the room.

[ Pete and Ruth enter the shop ]

Ruth: Hi!

Pete: Hi, Dave. Hi, Betty.

Dave: Hey, hi, Pete! Hi, Ruth! How are you two today?

Ruth: Terrific!

Pete: Yeah, everything's just fine, Dave. Say, Dave -- would you have any of those... [ miming with his hands ] glass prisms? You know, those things that you hold up to the sunlight, and it breaks the light into rainbows?

Dave: [ thinking ] Yeah... yeah, I think we do.

Betty: Yeah! How many do you want, Pete?

Pete: Oh, two would be great, Betty.

Betty: Oh. [ she grabs two glass prisms ] There you go.

Pete: Hey, what do I owe you for these?

Dave: Uh... let's say five dollars.

Pete: [ taking out his money ] That's all I've got! Great! Thanks, Dave!

Ruth: Maybe we'll get together this weekend?

Betty: Oh, I'll give you a call! [ she wraps up the glass prisms ]

Ruth: Oh, great!

Pete: Thanks again!

[ Pete and Ruth exit ]

Dave: Honey, why don't we go to a restaurant tonight?

Betty: Oh, not tonight, Dave. I mean, I just have that half-a-roast in the refrigerator.

[ Harry enters the shop ]

Dave: Hi. What can I do for you?

Harry: Well, I've been running all over town trying to find a copy of "Oh My Pappa" by Eddie Fisher. Any chance that you would have it?

Dave: Sure... sure, we got it. [ to Betty ] Honey, you know where "Oh, My Pappa" is, don't you?

Betty: Oh, I'll get it! [ she exits to the back room ]

Dave: Been having a hard time finding that record, huh?

Harry: Oh, you wouldn't believe it! I mean, not one store has had it in stock in twenty years. The darn thing's been out-of-stock since 1956!

Betty: [ re-enters with the record ] Here you go!

Harry: [ examining it ] You really do have it! That's amazing! How much is it?

Dave: Uh -- four dollars.

Harry: Sounds good to me! [ he pays ] Wait'll my wife hears this!

Betty: [ she hands him his change ] There you go.

Harry: Thank you! [ he exits ]

Betty: Oh, uh, Dave? Did I tell you that Mrs. Parker called?

Dave: [ glancing outside ] Speak of the Devil!

[ Mrs. Parker enters ]

Dave: Hi, Mrs. Parker!

Mrs. Parker: Hey!

Dave: We were just talking about you.

Mrs. Parker: [ pleased ] Oh! Is it ready?

Dave: As ready as it'll ever be. [ she giggles, as he pulls up a balloon ] Here you go -- a pink balloon filled with pretzels. It was pretzels?

Mrs. Parker: [ examinging it ] Ohhh, yes... yes, it's wonderful! I don't know what I would do without you two.

Betty: Oh, you're sweet, Mrs. Parker!

Dave: You, uh -- you want me to put this on your account, of course?

Mrs. Parker: Mmm-hmm. Well, I'll see you again soon, which will be the next time Ray lets me take the car! [ she exits, as Dave chuckles heartily ]

Betty: She's something, isn't she?

Dave: A real lulu!

Betty: Now it's pink balloons!

Dave: [ he chuckles ] Honey, uh -- do we have to have that roast tonight?

[ Tom steps up and clears his throat, as Betty points him out ]

Dave: Uh -- yes, sir?

Tom: Yeah, uh... I was curious -- do you have a machine to wash dirty poker chips? [ he pulls chips from his pocket ]

Dave: Y-yes, we do. But it shuts down at five o'clock, and it's almost six now.

Tom: Oh.

Dave: Uh -- unless you're interested in buying a machine.

Tom: No, no, no... I can come back tomorrow. What I was really interested in was, uh -- do you have a large medieval crossbow made out of white chocolate?

Dave: I, uh, I believe so. Uh, Betty, get me that chocolate crossbow -- the white chocolate.

Betty: Oh. Right.

Dave: It's wrapped in foil!

Betty: Uh-huh!

Dave: I hope you don't mind?

Tom: No, are you kidding? What do I owe you for this?

Dave: That'll be, uh, nineteen dollars and fifty-seven cents.

Tom: Yeah... yeah. [ he hands over his money ]

Dave: Okay.

Betty: [ returns ] Here you go!

Tom: Ahhhh!

Betty: Good eating to ya'!

Tom: Great!

Dave: [ hands over his change ] Here you go.

Tom: Thank you very much! [ he exits ]

Betty: Dave, uh -- there's only two of the white chocolate ones left.

Dave: Oh, boy... Okay, I'd better order some more. How are we doing on the, uh, bittersweet ones?

Betty: Oh, that's okay -- we're alright on the bittersweet.

[ Garrett enters ]

Dave: Yes, sir?

Garrett: Yeah. [ he pulls out a shopping list ] Uh, here we go, let's see... oh, here! Here it is! [ reading ] I'd like one dead turtle, frozen in a block of ice... Uh... and...

Dave: [ glancing back ] Honey, you want to bring out the frozen turtle?

Betty: Right! [ she exits into the storeroom ]

Garrett: I want a half-a-television... Isaac Stern's nephew... a square basketball... a #4 pencil... a dozen Dewey buttons...

Dave: [ chuckling ] Whoa, whoa! You gotta go one item at a time here! Uh -- that was half a TV?

Garrett: Yeah, yeah... half a television.

Dave: [ reaching under the counter ] Okay, here you go... [ he pulls up half of a television ] Got that right there.

Garrett: Oh, yeah, yeah!

Dave: Okay, and, uh... Isaac Stern's nephew.

Garrett: Isaac Stern's nephew, yep!

Dave: [ calling out ] Honey, while you're down there, bring up the Stern kid, will ya'?

Betty: Dave! Dave! Which one?

Dave: Oh! Uh, I forgot to ask you -- Jeff or Mark?

Garrett: Oh! Jeff! Definitely Jeff, man!

Dave: [ calling out ] Jeff!

Betty: Alright!

Garrett: I want the label.

Dave: And that was...?

Garrett: A #4... no, no, I changed my mind. Give me -- instead of the #4 pencil -- uh, give me two square basketballs.

Dave: You're the customer!

Garrett: Right. Yeah.

[ Dave places two square basketballs on the counter ]

Dave: Here you go.

Betty: [ returns with Isaac Stern's nephew in tow ] Okay! Here you go, Sir! He's a little dusty, but... [ she laughs ]

Dave: I hope you got $32 on you, because that's what all this is gonna come to.

Garrett: Oh, I do... and I am very glad to pay it! [ he hands over his money ]

Dave: Come again.

Betty: Uh -- here, Sir, I'll help you with the Stern kid. Come on.

Garrett: Thank you very much.

Isaac Stern's Nephew: So long, folks!

Betty: There you go.

Isaac Stern's Nephew: Bye bye.

Betty: You have a car?

Garrett: Yeah, we got it. [ he exits ]

Betty: Alright. Bye bye. [ to Dave ] God knows what he's gonna do with that frozen turtle!

Dave: [ laughing ] You know what, Betty? It's, uh... We should close up.

Betty: Yeah. Well, you'd better call the distributor before we leave, we're getting low on a few things.

Dave: Yeah.

[ as Betty flips the Open-Closed sign around, Alan tries to enter the shop ]

Betty: Sir, I'm terribly sorry -- we're closed!

Alan: [ frantic ] I need one thing -- please, I need one thing. Please?

Betty: Well, what? What?

Alan: I need a propeller beanie. Please! I need it bad!

Betty: Propeller beanie?

Alan: Yeah.

Betty: [ she grabs one ] Alright, here you go. It's right there.

Alan: [ he spins the propeller, then places the beanie over his head ] Oh, this is terrific! Oh, great.

Betty: Uh -- two dollars.

Alan: [ he pays ] Thanks a lot, lady! Thanks a lot. [ he exits ]

Betty: You're welcome. Uh-huh. Bye bye. [ she locks the door ]

Dave: [ on the phone ] Yeah -- television halves... #4 pencils... uh, Dewey buttons, and, uh, I think that's about it.

Betty: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait... Let me speak to Arnie for a minute.

Dave: Hold on, Arnie! [ he hands the phone over ]

Betty: Uh-huh. Arnie, uh, we're gonna need some more of those propeller beanies. [ Dave chuckles ] Yeah, okay. [ she hands the phone back to Dave ]

Dave: Right, Arnie, that's it. Oh! Uh, Arnie? Are you still there? Yeah, hold on. Just a... just a hunch, Arnie -- yeah, listen, do you still have those inflatable jet huntleys? Yeah, give me about half a dozen. Thanks, Arnie! [ he hangs up ]

Betty: Oh, Dave! You certainly are hot tonight!

Dave: [ laughing ] Well, come on -- let's go eat, honey.

Betty: It was sort of quiet today, huh?

Dave: Well, it'll pick up tomorrow!

Betty: Yeah!

[ they exit to the back, as the camera pulls back on the set, with SUPER: "Coming up next: Peacockmania" ]

[ fade ]

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