Weekend Update Exclusive Report, Part II
Father Guido Sarducci.....Don Novello
Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. the penny hitting the window didn't-a work; my serenade didn't-a work; but I know this is gonna work - a rock! [ turns around, throws rock at window, the lights turn on immediately ] That's an old gossip columnist-a trick - Miss Rona toaught me-a that one. It's works every time, he'll be out I know it, you can-a bet on it! He's coming, this is it, I can't-a believe it!
[ Paul McCartney walks outside ]
Paul McCartney: What's going on here?
Father Guido Sarducci: That rock, it was the milkman.. he did it, and then ran.
Paul McCartney: It wasn't you?
Father Guido Sarducci: No, it wasn't me. I'm-a here to do the interview. You know, I wrote you about it and everything, a registered letter..
Paul McCartney: Yeah, but that was supposed to be 11:30 last night, though.. I mean, you know.. it's five in the morning now..
Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. it's a long-a story.. There was a time change, you didn't hear about it? It's like, every piece of land is one hour less than the other one. It's a long story.. it's really involved, it gets a little technical, I don't think you want to go into it, but that's the reason..
Paul McCartney: Listen, could we do this tomorrow? 'Cause, I mean, really, it's awful late..
Father Guido Sarducci: This is live! Look at this, it's live television! This a hook-up satellite to the United States. This is it, now, let's do it! You know what I want to ask you: Is it true that you haven't had any marijuana in 122 days - yes or no?
Paul McCartney: [ sighs ] It was my understanding that we were just going to talk about the videotape, you know? Are they showing it yet?
Father Guido Sarducci: No, it's still coming up.. But I just would like to ask you a couple of questions first. Just a couple.
Paul McCartney: Alright, that's fine. Just as long as they are questions about the tape - just the tape, okay?
Father Guido Sarducci: It has to be questions about the tape? Well.. [ thinking ] ..how long did it take to make-a the tape?
Paul McCartney: Well, it took a lot of time, actually, because I play a lot of different roles on the tape. It's only about four minutes long itself, but it took over a week to shoot it.
Father Guido Sarducci: If you was still smoking, do you think it would have taken longer or shorter?
Paul McCartney: Well, it might have taken longer.. but it might have seemed shorter than that. But I don't see how that matters..
Father Guido Sarducci: Well, it would have taken longer, but it would have seemed shorter, that's your answer?
[ Linda McCartney joins the party ]
Linda McCartney: I thought you were coming at 11:30?
Father Guido Sarducci: Well.. Paul got the time mixed up. It's a long, long story, but it's-a like, every piece of land is an hour earlier, and live far aay, so it's really, really early there..
Paul McCartney: Linda's in the tape, too.
Linda McCartney: Yeah, Paul plays ten of the characters, and I play two backup singers - one's a fella.
Paul McCartney: Yeah, you know, most of the characters are based on certain definite people - I mean, for instance, you've got the keyboard player of The Sparks, and you've got Hank Marvin of The Shadows, you probably know them.
Father Guido Sarducci: Hank Marvin? Well, I've heard of him, but I don't know him personally..
Paul McCartney: Well, we have this saxophone section, and there's this hippie guy at the end of it. Well, he kind of gets all the stuff wrong..
Linda McCartney: Oh, he's my favorite, the hippie guy! The sax section is really in time - while they're going forward, the hippie's always out of tune and time, he goes back, and..
Paul McCartney: The dancing I have to do is, like, real complicated to do, you know? I have to imagine the people.. it's..
Father Guido Sarducci: Hey, I bet it is real hard to dance when you're not stoned, am I right?
Paul McCartney: It wasn't easy, but.. uh.. are you gonna show the tape?
Father Guido Sarducci: Yes. We are gonna show the tape, for sure. But I just want to aks you one more question, if you don't mind. It's very important, people want to know..
Paul McCartney: It's not about marijuana, right?
Father Guido Sarducci: No.. This is a question I really hate to ask you, 'cause I know everyone always asks you this-a question, but I'm a journalist, I have to do it, if you don't mind. Paul: If, just-a if, you could be any animal, what would it-a be?
Paul McCartney: Any animal?
Father Guido Sarducci: Any animal.
Paul McCartney: [ thinking ] Koala bear.
Father Guido Sarducci: Koala bear! Did you hear? Koala bear! Is that the little animal all the time, they eat eucalypse leaves, they get-a stoned all the time! Well, you heard it - koals bear! Well, that's it. And you can take it back, America!
Paul McCartney: Okay, play the tape!
[ fade out ]