Buck Henry's Monologue

... Buck Henry
Lucy Lawler ... Liz Welch, SNL talent scout
Gary Lipton ... Walter Williams, creator of Mr. Bill
Norma Jenkins ... Mary Moore
Lee Mayman ... Lee Mayman, scenic designer
Carl Quackenbush ... Matt Neuman, writer
Robin Shurmerhorn ... Robin Shlien, production assistant
Ron Waldo ... Don Pardo, NBC staff announcer

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Buck Henry!

Buck Henry: Thank you. Hi, everybody. Thanks very much. It is wonderful to be back again. You know, this is the one hundred and sixth Saturday Night Live program. [applause] Yes. And it is the one hundred and third time that I've hosted. You know, I've always hosted the last show of the year and this is the last show of the year. Some people, in fact, think it might be the last Saturday Night show ever. [audience groans and boos] But don't worry! Because I'm here to announce that Saturday Night Live will be back again next year. [prolonged cheers and applause]

Not with the same people, of course. But with an entirely new cast of young, fresh, talented people to replace the ones who were let go. And I'm sure - I'm sure that these new kids are gonna grow on ya because they're the cream of the crop of - of hundreds who auditioned for the - the former producer and I - I really look forward to working with them and the new producer in the years ahead, so let's meet these bright and funny newcomers! First, from Midland, Texas, Lucy Lawler! [tall brunette wearing jeans, rainbow-hued shirt and orange cap enters and joins Buck, they stand with their arms around each other] Hi, Luce.

Lucy Lawler: Hello, Buck.

Buck Henry: I bet they're going to be calling you "The Sweetheart of Saturday Night Live" pretty soon, Lucy.

Lucy Lawler: Well, to tell you the truth, I'm a little nervous.

Buck Henry: That's all right. It's understandable. Gilda Radner was just as nervous when she first stepped out here five years ago. I helped her and I'll help you, too, if you know what I mean. [slyly bumps his hip against hers]

Lucy Lawler: Well, thank you, Mr. Henry.

Buck Henry: You call me Buck from now on.

Lucy Lawler: Okay, Buck. [waves to the audience and walks upstage]

Buck Henry: Now! Here's a guy who besides being a fine comedian, plays many, many musical instruments. Welcome Gary Lipton! [thin, pale, bearded man wearing a black shirt made to look like a tuxedo enters and shakes hands with Buck] Hey, Gar. Gary, just how many musical instruments do you actually play?

Gary Lipton: Oh, uh, well, uh, I can get a sound out of about twenty instruments.

Buck Henry: That's fantastic! [to the camera] Okay! Next! [Gary Lipton awkwardly retreats upstage and joins Lucy Lawler] A really funny lady originally from Cincinatti, Ohio and here's Norma Jenkins. [plump African-American woman in overalls runs out enthusiastically and joins Buck] Hey, have you - have you done much television before, Norma?

Norma Jenkins: Uh, just a local show in Cincinatti. But it was on the same station that Mike Douglas started on.

Buck Henry: Okay, well, that's good enough for us. I say: "Bye bye, Garrett Morris -- Hello, Norma!"

Norma Jenkins: All right! [pumps hands in the air and joins the other cast members, forming a line upstage]

Buck Henry: Now! It's time to meet a former member of a fabulous comedy team and his name is Lee Mayman! [short, bespectacled young man wearing a green shirt that reads: "I'M LEE MAYMAN AND YOU'RE NOT" enters and joins Buck] How you doin', Lee? Lee, I understand you used to be a former member of a comedy team.

Lee Mayman: That's right, Buck. It was called Holman and Mayman.

Buck Henry: Mm hmm.

Lee Mayman: You might remember our William Tell bit.

Buck Henry: [after a pause] Lee Mayman, everybody! [Lee Mayman joins his fellow cast members upstage] Okay. Now, let's meet a guy who bills himself as - as "The Walking Loony Bin" -- that's what it says anyway. Let's meet Carl Quackenbush! [bespectacled man in frock coat and carrying a cigar enters doing an imitation of Groucho Marx's famous crouch and joins Buck] Well, Carl, are you gonna be the next Bill Murray?

Carl Quackenbush: [sounds just like Groucho] I certainly hope not.

Buck Henry: "I certainly hope not"! If that's the kind o' comedy we can expect from this guy, I think we're in for some big belly laughs this fall! [Carl Quackenbush heads upstage] Okay, folks, let's meet Robin Shurmer-- [has trouble reading the cue card] Shurmer - Robin - Robin Shurmerhorn! [cute brunette in a floral blouse enters and joins Buck] Robin! Did I pronounce that correctly?

Robin Shurmerhorn: Yes, it's Shurmerhorn.

Buck Henry: [slight pause] Well, thank you, Robin. Okay! [Robin Shurmerhorn heads upstage] And last - last, folks, but not least, here's Ron Waldo! [sixty-something year old man in a blue jogging suit runs out and joins Buck]

Ron Waldo: Heeey! Buck! Thank you.

Buck Henry: Now, Ron, they say you do a great imitation of Don Pardo.

Ron Waldo: That's right, Buck. [flawless imitation of Don Pardo] "It's Saturday Night Live!!!"

Buck Henry: That's terrific. Terrific, Ron. Okay. [Ron Waldo joins the others upstage, by now they're all lined up behind Buck] There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. How about a big hand for these stars of the future? [Buck steps aside and we pull back to view the entire new cast lined up, waving to the audience who cheer and applaud. Finally, Buck steps forward and raises a hand.] All of them - all of these kids are gonna be spending the summer at NBC's Comedy Camp in upstate New York - studying assiduously under the supervision of NBC's dean of comedy workshops, Mr. John Barbour! So, these kids will be back in the fall but - we'll be right back!

[Applause. Wider shot of the new cast waving, Buck jerks a thumb at them, nodding and smiling supportively.]

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