Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 1










80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

The Accordian Killer

Captain.....Elliott Gould
Detective.....Gilbert Gottfried
Susan.....Ann Risley
Chuck LeVinto.....Charles Rocket
Gail.....Gail Matthius

[ open on interior, police station, Captain's office, as Detective enters ]

Detective: Bad news, sir. Another woman has been found slain on the Upper West Side.

Captain: [ snaps his finger ] That's the sixth one this week! They find anything in the apartment?

Detective: Ah, just this sheet music. "Roll Out the Barrel".

Captain: [ examining the sheet music ] That woman wasn't just murdered -- she was POLKAED to death!

Detective: You're saying he's -- ?

Captain: Yes, I am! Only one person can be responsible for such a GHASTLY crime! Only ONE man could be so CRUEL, so VICIOUS, so SADISTIC! As long as he's loose, no woman is safe. I'm talking about... [ he faces the camera for a quick zoom ] The Accordian Killer!

[ dissolve to interior, Susan's apartment, as the title card superimposes on screen ]

[ doorbell buzzes ]

[ Susan rises to answer the door ]

Susan: Who is it?

Chuck LeVinto: It's Chuck LeVinto! Your computer date!

[ Susan opens the door, as Chuck enters with flowers and a case ]

Susan: Oh, hi! [ she giggles ] I'm Susan. It's nice to meet you.

Chuck LeVinto: [ holding out his flowers ] These are for you!

Susan: Ohhh...

Chuck LeVinto: It's so rare to meet someone with the same interests as you.

Susan: [ she giggles ] I know what you mean! Come in.

[ they sit down next to one another on the couch ]

Susan: Boy, I'm really glad this computer put us together.

Chuck LeVinto: It really is amazing! 'Cause, like... well... you like movies, a-and I like movies. Aaaand you like music, and I LOVE music! We were MADE for each other!

Susan: I hope so.

Chuck LeVinto: I-I-I do impressions! Do you want to hear one?

Susan: Sure.

Chuck LeVinto: This one's my favorite -- it's my main guy, Lawrence Welk: "Tank you, tank you, tank you! That was Bobby and Cissum, with his musical tribute to World War Eye!"

[ she laughs pleasantly ]

Chuck LeVinto: A-and now it's time for an accordian tune!

[ he unlocks his case and pulls out an accordian ]

Susan: [ worried ] No, no! No, please! Please put that away!

Chuck LeVinto: What's the matter? Don't you like the accordian?

Susan: Wait! Wait, I know who you are! I read about you in the papers! Please don't hurt me! I'll give you all my money! I promise I won't tell anyone!

Chuck LeVinto: But the accordian... is a NICE instrument! [ maniacally stroking the accordian ] It's a fine instrument! It's a BAND by itself!

Susan: PLEASE!! NO, NO!! DON'T! PLEASE! NO!

Chuck LeVinto: Perhaps you'd like to hear "Lady of Spain"!

Susan: NO!!!

[ he begins to play the meddlesome tune ]

Susan: NO, NO!! PLEASE, DON'T!

[ she holds her ears, but still drops dead to the floor as Chuck smiles satisfactorily ]

[ dissolve to Captain's office, as he shakes his head while reading the murder report in the newspaper ]

Detective: Looks like The Accordian Killer has struck again.

Captain: [ thrusting the paper on his desk ] Poor girl didn't have a chance!

Detective: How can we stop him?

Captain: We've got to set a TRAP! And I think we've got JUST the right person for that.

Detective: Who is he?

Captain: Not he -- SHE!

[ dissolve to interior, Susan's apartment, now occupied by Gail ]

[ doorbell buzzes ]

[ Gail rises to answer the door ]

Gail: Who is it?

Chuck LeVinto: It's Chuck LeVinto! Your computer date!

[ Gail opens the door, as Chuck enters with flowers and a case ]

Gail: Hi! I'm Gail. Nice to meet you.

Chuck LeVinto: Hi! [ holding out his flowers ] These are for you!

Gail: Ohhh...

Chuck LeVinto: It's so rare to meet someone with the same interests as you.

Gail: [ she smiles ] I know what you mean! Come on in.

Chuck LeVinto: Thanks!

[ they sit down next to one another on the couch ]

Chuck LeVinto: [ apprehensive ] You like movies... and I like movies. [ he opens his case ]

Gail: [ cutting him off ] You like music -- I like music!

Chuck LeVinto: [ stumbling ] You know, I haven't missed a single "Lawrence Welk Show"! Ever NEVER!

Gail: [ setting the trap ] I really like his music!

Chuck LeVinto: [ surprised ] You do? Maybe you'd like to hear a song on the accordian.

Gail: I'd love to!

Chuck LeVinto: D-do you have a special song?

Gail: Uh -- "Lady of Spain", of course!

Chuck LeVinto: "L-L-L-Lady of Spain"?!

[ he begins to play the meddlesome tune ]

[ Gail covers her ears and shudders, then jumps up and points a gun at Chuck ]

Gail: Alright, that's enough!! I'm with the police! Yuor playing days are over!

Chuck LeVinto: [ ignoring her ] You can't make me stop!

Gail: Alright, I'm warning you!

[ Chuck inores her and continues playing the accordian ]

Gail: OKAY, GUYS!!! GET HIM!!!

[ suddenly, a trio of bagpipe players saunter into the apartment playing their noisy tune ]

Chuck LeVinto: [ crying, as he continues to play the accordian ] NO!!! NOT THAT MUSIC!! PLEASE!! MAKE IT STOP!!! NOOOOOO!!!!

[ Chuck drops his accordian and topples dead over the ottoman ]

[ the bagpipe players cease their playing, as the Captain rushes in ]

Captain: Are you alright?

Gail: Fine.

Captain: I'm sorry we had to do it this way. But maybe this will convince people once and for all... that EVERY accordian is a lethal weapon! [ to the bagpipe players ] Take care of it, guys!

[ Gail and the Captain exit the apartment, as the bagpipe players begin to attack Chuck's accordian with their hatchets ]

[ pull out to wideshot, with SUPER: "There's no abyssness like show abyssness." ]

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts