Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 1







80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

Cheering Up Jimmy

Amy Carter.....Denny Dillon
Rosalyn Carter.....Ann Risley
President Jimmy Carter.....Joe Piscopo

[ open on Rosalyn Carter sewing as she sits in the Oval Office. Amy Carter comes running in, ]

Amy Carter: Mama! What's wrong with Daddy? He's acting so strange!

Rosalyn Carter: Well, he's just a little upset, honey. You must remember, he's going through a very difficult time in his life.

Amy Carter: But, Mama! All he does is stare off into space!

Rosalyn Carter: Well, your just gonna have to be patient with your Daddy, honey.

Amy Carter: But, Mama! I saw him urinating in the hallway!

Rosalyn Carter: Well, that's all the more reason we're just gonna help Daddy lift up his spirit.

[ Amy shrugs her shoulders, as soon-to-be ex-President Jimmy Carter, wearing a suit over pajama pants, shuffles into the Oval Office ]

President Jimmy Carter: How did it happen? I didn't vote for him.. you didn't vote for him.. none of my friends didn't vote for him. I don't understand. How ever did I lose? [ sinks into his chair ]

[ Rosalyn and Amy come around opposite sides of the desk to comfort Jimmy ]

Rosalyn Carter: Oh, Jimmy. We didn't want to win that silly ol' election, anyway.

President Jimmy Carter: We didn't?

Rosalyn Carter: Of course not. Now, how many times did you tell me that being President was just..no.. fun?

Amy Carter: That's right, Daddy! Why, remember how much fun we used to have on the farm, or we used to plow the fields together!

Rosalyn Carter: Darlin', we haven't planted a furrow or plowed a seed in four years.

President Jimmy Carter: I do miss it.

Rosalyn Carter: Well, that's why we took certain precautions, like the debates?

President Jimmy Carter: The debates? I don't recall..

Amy Carter: Daddy! The debates! Remember when you and Mr. Reagan stood up in front of the TV camera, and Mr. Reagan looked so calm and relaxed, and.. you looked so TENSE and MEAN!

Rosalyn Carter: You see, darlin'? That was part of the plan. We knew that once you stood up in public and talked, nobody would vote for you.

President Jimmy Carter: You were right about that.

Rosalyn Carter: You see, our plan worked all along. And now, we are free.

Amy Carter: [ chipper ] Like the slaves!

Rosalyn Carter: No more cares, no more worries. And, now, you can show your true feelings, Jimmy.

President Jimmy Carter: My.. true feelings? About what?

Rosalyn Carter: Well, honey, about all those people who [ seductively ] let you down.

President Jimmy Carter: Yeah. Like the Jews! I hate them! Those beanyheads didn't vote for me!

Amy Carter: And the hostages!

President Jimmy Carter: Well, they didn't vote for me, either!

Amy Carter: Yeah! What about the Democrats?

President Jimmy Carter: Yeah! My own party --

Rosalyn Carter: And now, honey.. you can release all those lustful thoughts..

President Jimmy Carter: I can! And.. I-I-I.. I want --

Rosalyn Carter: Amy, honey, I think you'd better be running along, now.

Amy Carter: But, Mama! I wanna hear!

Rosalyn Carter: [ sternly ] Amy!

[ Amy runs out of the Oval Office ]

Rosalyn Carter: Now, Jimmy.. I just want you to let it all out. [ stands him up next to the desk ] Honey, I've been waiting four years for this. [ unbuttons her blouse to reveal a black bra snug against her skin ]

President Jimmy Carter: I want to be naked!

Rosalyn Carter: Yes! Yes! [ pushes the red phone aside, and sits on the desk ]

President Jimmy Carter: Standing in the Oval Office --

Rosalyn Carter: Oh! GIVE it to me, Jimbo! [ stretches herself across the desk ]

President Jimmy Carter: I - I - oh, these last four years have robbed me of any lustful thoughts.

Rosalyn Carter: Don't you see, darlin', that's why we had to lose - it was either the election or the erection.

President Jimmy Carter: Yeah! I can FEEL it!

Rosalyn Carter: Yeah!

President Jimmy Carter: I can feel the power returning to my body!

Rosalyn Carter: Yeah!

President Jimmy Carter: For the first time in four years, I can finally do what I've always wanted to do!

Rosalyn Carter: Well, then why don't you just go ahead and DO IT, Mr. President! [ titls her hand back and breathes in anticipation ]

President Jimmy Carter: [ loosens his grip on Rosalyn and presses a button on the intercom ] Tell Billy to meet me in the Rose Garden! [ removes a pistol from inside his des, spins the chamber and walks with determination out of the Oval Office ]

[ Rosalyn looks out with great confusion and disappointment ]

[ camera zooms out ]

[ SUPER: "Coming Up: J.R. Shot by B.B." ]

[ fade ]


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