Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 1









80a: Elliot Gould / Kid Creole & The Coconuts

Weekend Update with Charles Rocket

.....Charles Rocket
.....Gail Matthius
John Anderson.....Joe Piscopo
Barry Grosscup.....Gilbert Gottfried

[ open on Charles Rocket seated behind the revamped Weekend Update set, nonchalantly scribbling notes on his news sheets ]

Announcer: And now it's time for Weekend Update, with anchorman Charlie Rocket.

Charles Rocket: Good evening. I'm Charles Rocket.. with Weekend Update.

Like most American men, Ronald Reagan spent this afternoon at home, watching the Notre Dame-Alabama football game. Unwilling to offend either his Irish-Catholic or his Southern Baptist supporters, Reagan remained steadfastly neutral, and would say only that he was grateful "no white player had been injured."

Late tonight, President-Elect Reagan announced that he intends to keep at least one of his campaign promises, and will appoint a black to his cabinet. The new administration's Secretary of Defense is to be Shirley Temple Black.

In a bold move to bolster the sagging economy, Reagan also announced that he intends to abolish the Federal Department of Education. Reagan claims the strategy will aid millions of out-of-work Americans with college degrees, who can now be put to work reading conservative books and magazines aloud to a generation of younger, illiterate citizens.

Charles Rocket: [ holds his hand to his ear ] Apparently, Im' receiving some word -- yes, there seems to be some commotion outside the White House. Uh, we take you now to Washington for a live report from Gail Matthius. [ turns to reveal Gail on the monitor behind his left shoulder ] Gail?

[ show Gail Matthius standing outside the White House, as John Anderson paces behind her ]

Gail Matthius: There is indeed some commotion here outside the White Huose gate, Charlie, as defeated Presidential candidate, John Anderson, is standing hre with what appears to be a suitcase.

John Anderson: Iiiiii don't understand it. Obviously, the gate is not functioning properly. It must be some sort of snafu - yes, that's what it is, it's a SNAFU! [ waves to someone or something off-camera ]

Gail Matthius: [ pulls a woman with Anderson toward her ] Uh - what exactly is going on here?

Woman: Uh, could you lower your voice, please? It's just that, uh - what's going on is that we haven't gotten around to telling Mr. Anderson the election results.

Gail Matthius: Oh. Oh, you mean he thinks he's --

Woman: Shhh. That's right - he doesn't know that he lost.

Gail Matthius: Didn't he watch the elections?

Woman: Well, uh - he siad he was sure the American people would elect the right man, and.. then he went to bed. [shrugs her shoulders ]

Gail Matthius: Well, this is terrible, uh, something has to be done. someone has to tell him.

Woman: Well, you like disasters - you tell him!

Gail Matthius: [ considers the challenge for a moment, then scans the crowd for John Anderson's current whereabouts ] Mr. Anderson! I have something very important to tell you --

John Anderson: [ comes forward immediately, already in mid-thought ] You know, my very first act as President will be to form a commission to study this gate problem! Yes, I'd like to -- but, it just might be the buzzer - yes, it could be the buzzer! Let's not be too -- [ starts calling out ] Hello?! Hello? Anyone there?! [ presses buzzer on wall ] It's President Anderson!

Gail Matthius: How humiliating to the Congressman --

Woman: Go on - tell him. You're a reporter - go on, you can do it! Yuo can do it! Go on, tell him!

Gail Matthius: Okay! Okay! [ as Anderson wanders back toward her ] Uh - Mr. Anderson --

John Anderson: PRESIDENT Anderson, young lady!!

Gail Matthius: Well, that's what I wanted to tlak to you about.

John Anderson: [ waves with a big smile to no one in particular ] Yes, yes! Be totally candid, now!

Gail Matthius: Regarding the election --

John Anderson: Yes, yes! Be forthright!

Gail Matthius: -- you haven't --

John Anderson: Yes, yes!

Gail Matthius: [ finally gives up the effort ] You have a great four years ahead of you - congratulations!

John Anderson: Thank you very much, Miss! Thank you, thank you! [ begins waving erratically again ]

Gail Matthius: This is Gail Matthius, reporting from the White House, where "President" -- [ winks at the camera ] Anderson is awaiting the beginning of his term! Back to you, Charlie.

Charles Rocket: Thank you, Gail. Thank you very much. Of course, we'll all be keeping an eye on that developing story.

Meanwhile, actor Cary Grant, today, slapped former Weekend Update anchorman, Chevy Chase, with a $10 million defamatino suit, for allegedly calling him a "homosexual" on NBC-TV's "Tomorrow" show. Grant charges that Chase's remarks were completely and totally false, and added, "He's the homo, not me. And one mroe crack like that, and I'll scratch his eyes out, Mary!"

Taking his lame duck presidency quite literally this week, Jimmy Carter demonstrated one of his most important duties to visiting Israeli Prime Minister, Menachim Begin. Here, we see the outgoing Chief Executive performing his lame duck call. [ slide changes to a multitude of ducks in the sky ] Responding to the heart-rending sound, thousands of concerned ducks quickly descended on the White House lawn to help a brother in need.

Prince Charles finally ended speculation about whether he would ever find a bride who had both royal blood and a spotless past. Happily, the Prince's rumored choice, who has been certified as "completely virginal" is Lady Diana Spencer, formerly Lord "Dwayne" Spencer, who underwent a transsexual operation last month in Helsinki to qualifiy as "Queen" of England.

This week, NASA announced a significant discovery by the voyager 1 spacecraft: the rings of Saturn have been visible to man for centuries. we all knew that, but, thanks to Voyager 1 and its sensitive listening equipment, we now, for the first time, can hear the famous rings. Here's the NASA tape - let's listen. [ cue a series of alarm clock sounds ] And how about that, huh? The rings of Saturn! [ chuckles proudly to himself ] We've come a long way since man walked on the moon, haven't we?

Charles Rocket: You know, unlike most TV anchorpersons, Yours Truly is mroe than just.. another pretty face. I'm a working journalist. And, this week, when the Big Apple was humming with rumors of a new John Lennon and Yoko Ono album, this newshound hit the streets to get the inside story. Let's take a look at this Rocket Report:

[ dissolve to pre-taped film, Charles Rocket standing on the street in front of the Dakota ]

Charles Rocket: Hi! Charles Rocket, here in New York City, right across the street from the Dakota Building, home to a lot of celebrities, and a place where a LOT of celebrities would LIKE to live, but just can't. But we're interested in just two celebrities who live there - John Lennon and Yoko Ono! In fact, we're interested in their album. How are we going to find out about the inside story on that album, that so few people really know anything about? Well, we're gonna go across the street, we're gonna talk to some people who have an inside lead on that very album, we're gonna find out what the real story is. Come on along, to the Dakota Building! [ begins walking toward the Dakota ]

[ cut to an old woman, Mrs. Miller, speaking ]

Mrs. Miller: I know Lennon is in that building, because all the youngsters gathered there for an autograph. I know they're there. But even that, I said to myself, why do they allow them to gather up there, you know? It's -- that building -- I say it must be in the hands of different people, it can't be owned by the same people --

Charles Rocket: If it were in your hands, Mrs. Miller, what would you do?

Mrs. Miller: Ohhh, I'd keep it from garbage -- I wouldn't allow anything like that. What for? What for?

[ cut to reveal a pile of garbage on the ground in front of the building, as Rocket enters frame ]

Charles Rocket: Garbage. Filthy, disgusting garbage. What a display. Something you certainly wouldn't expect, here in front of the fancy Dakota Building. Let's go talk to the doorman to find what the story is on this disgusting site. Even though the garbage could connain a clue to the album, it's got to go. [ turns to walk toward the lobby door ]

[ cut to close-up of the building's doorman ]

Charles Rocket: Say, what's the big idea with all the garbage?

Doorman: They're [ inaudible ] -- the contractors.

Charles Rocket: And the contractors are responsible for that display?

Doorman: That's right.

Charles Rocket: Oh. So it has nothing to do with the building management or anything?

Doorman: No.

Charles Rocket: So, what happened with the, uh, album? I mean, how's it going with John Lennon's album?

Doorman: I don't know.. I don't know.. I don't know.. [ walks away from Rocket ]

Charles Rocket: You.. seem to be pretty evasive..

Doorman: I told you no - no.

[ cut to a messenger speeding away on a motorbike ]

Charles Rocket V/O: That's a messenger service used here at the Dakota Building, and they're off to.. tell John and Yoko that.. Charles Rocket, yours Truly, is here to find out.. all the very latest on their album.

[ cut to garbagemen picking up a separate pile of garbage at the Dakota ]

Charles Rocket V/O: Of course, out back, behind the Dakota Building, is where the real garbage can be found. Garbage that's supposed to be here. And these are the gentlemen who pick up the garbage here at the Dakota Building. People who probably have an inside lead on what's happening.. with John Lennon and Yoko Ono's album.

[ Rocket approaches one of the garbagemen ]

Charles Rocket: What can you tell us about John Lennon and Yoko Ono's garbage, and.. all that we might be able to learn from the secrets that might be hidden and contained within there? You know, they cut a new album, and we'd sure like to get an inside lead on what's going on with that album. Can you help us at all, Clarence?

Garbageman: Well, I don't know anything about that. That's music - this is garbage!

Charles Rocket: Oh. He's playing dumb, ladies and gentlemen. Clarence is probably playing a game with us. Right now, clarence, I'll bet the Alton Company actually asked you not to state anything to reporters should we actually, uh, you know, come up to, and approach you, and ask you those kinds of questions.

Garbageman: No. No. No. No one said anything to me --

Charles Rocket: No clues. You haven't been able to, uh, find out anything new, and --

Garbageman: [ getting angry ] Look, man! If you gonna take up my time --

Charles Rocket: Yeah?

Garbageman: How am I gonna pick up this garbage?!

Charles Rocket: The man wants to work.

Garbageman: I'm gonna work, and that'll be it!

[ cut to Rocket alone on the street ]

Charles Rocket: Well, instead of just hoping for news about the album, I guess we're all gonna have to share the disappointment.. of not finding anything out at all. I'm Charles Rocket, behind the Dakota Building, what excitement we've had.. hope you enjoyed it.

[ cut back to Charles Rocket at the Weekend Update desk ]

Charles Rocket: Just remember - you saw it here first, on The Rocket Report. In other news:

In a new Ladies Home Journal interview, Anita Bryant says she has come to believe that there is nothing wrong with homosexuality, provided they "do it in a cage." [ Rocket shrugs ]

Yet another air diaster nearly struck today, when a small two-seater airplane, flying from Puerto Rico to the mainland, crashed off the coast of Florida. Happily, though, the Coast Guard reports that the pilot and all 180 passengers have been recovered.

Charles Rocket: Well, since the Presidential campaign began, we all have heard speculation that Mr. Reagan will never live out his full term in office. Today we're talking to Barry Grosscup, who's just written a new book about that very subject.

[ camera pulls out to reveal Barry Grosscup sitting to Rocket's right ]

Charles Rocket: Mr. Grosscup, tell us what you've learned about Ronald Reagan.

Barry Grosscup: Okay, Charlie.

Charles Rocket: Charles.

Barry Grosscup: [ holds up a photo of Ronald Reagan ] The man.. is already.. dead!

Charles Rocket: Wait a minute. Now, let me get this straight - you're saying the President-Elect, Reagan, is actually.. dead?

Barry Grosscup: He's as dead as a door nail. He's been dead since the New Hampshire primaries. The picture's coming out in my new book - "The Faking of a President." [ holds up a photo of Reagan surrounding by George H. W. Bush and a couple of other administrative figures ] This is Reagan at a press conference - Bush is holsing him up!

Charles Rocket: Well --

Barry Grosscup: Always holding him up!

Charles Rocket: I can see where, you know -- I-I don't understand, it doesn't --

Barry Grosscup: Here's another one. [ holds up photo of Reagan, Bush, and one another man, all holding their hands in the air ] Reagan at a press conference - again, they're holding him up! [ shrugs ]

Charles Rocket: Mr. Grosscup, listen - I happen to have been at a press conference with Mr. Reagan, earlier this week -- he looked perfectly fine --

Barry Grosscup: Uh, you THINK you saw Reagan! Who you saw.. was an actor by the name of Ron Jenkins. He's a Welsh actor, 29 years old - here's a picture of him -- [ holds up photo of a smiling Reagan ] Small time, did a couple of commercials - but he got Reagan to a T!

Charles Rocket: Th-this has got to be the most ridiculous thing I've --

Barry Grosscup: Look - here's a picture of Reagan putting on his make-up. [ holds up photo of Reagan applying make-up ] The Reagan make-up here - Jenkins applies it all the time!

Charles Rocket: Mr. Grosscup, listen - we're running out of time. I-I-I don't see how we can just waste time --

Barry Grosscup: [ holds up another photo of Reagan ] See how he works a crowd! It's amazing!

Charles Rocket: Look -- I mean, I don't get it.

Barry Grosscup: Look! Who do you want to run the country - Ronald Reagan, or just some stupid actor?!

Charles Rocket: Well, thank you very much, Mr. Grosscup. I guess it takes all kinds, huh?

The rate of inflation continued to spiral upward this week, and claimed a new and unexpected victim: the prstitution industry. In order to meet consumer demands without sacrificing efficiency, streetwalkers in Portland, Oregon have cut back on non-essential services, and are offering no-frills sex to prspective customers.

And, this one just handed me: The Department of Naturalization, in an attempt to simplify cumbersome alien identification procedures, has designated all American citizens as Shirts and all incoming immigrants as Skins.

Charles Rocket: And that's the Weekend Update. This is Charles Rocket saying, "Good night, and.. watch out."

[ camera pulls back, as Rocket signs off on his news copy ]

[ fade ]


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