80b: Malcolm McDowell / Captain Beefheart and the Magic Band
The Leather Weather Report
Written by: Ferris Butler, Billy Brown & Mel Green
Thelma Thunder.....Denny Dillon
Johnny The Weather Map.....Charles Rocket
[Open on a black, leatherbound title card with a brown leather cutout of the United States dotted with silver studs. The words "The Leather Weather Report" are in the middle of the leather cutout. Hard rock music plays]
[Dissolve to a short, blond woman, dressed in a skin-tight black shirt with matching fingerless gloves, chains crossing her chest, and a silver and black choker, sneering at the camera and holding a cat-‘o-nine-tails]
Thelma Thunder: Good evening and welcome to "The Leather Report" [corrects herself]: "Leather Weather Report". I’m your Leather Weather girl, Thelma Thunder. And this…[walks over to a map of the United States, partially obscured by a man lying across it, chained up by his wrists and ankles, wearing tight leather pants, a harness across his naked chest, and a bondage mask]:…is our weather map, Johnny.
Johnny the Weather Map: Hello everybody.
Thelma Thunder: [to Johnny] Shut up! Maps are to be seen, not heard. [to the audience]: There’s going to be a high-pressure in the Midwest…[begins striking Johnny’s chest with her cat-‘o-nine-tails; Johnny writhes from the pain]:…for most of next week!
Johnny the Weather Map: Ouch!
Thelma Thunder: [to Johnny; shrugs] God’s will, sweetheart, what do you want from me?
Johnny the Weather Map: More.
Thelma Thunder: [picks up a hose] Rains are going to sweep westward, beginning in New England…[goes back to retrieve the tank connected to the hose, accidentally spraying the camera and begins to spray water on the squirming Johnny]:…making their way across Ohio, Indiana, and…not…quite…reaching Pike’s Peak [sprays water all over the bulge in Johnny’s leather pants]
Johnny the Weather Map: Hey, I’m drenched over here!
Thelma Thunder [puts down the hose and the tank] Ya got a lot more comin’, baby. [picks up her cat-o’-nine-tails]: Also, winds [twirls the cat-o’-nine-tails above her head]: will be whipping up around [slams the twirling cat-o’-nine near Johnny’s side as Johnny writhes]: the Great Lakes region! After that [slams down the cat-o’nine and picks up a cannister of whipped cream]: we’re gonna see a lot of snow. [shakes the cannister]: I’m afraid it starts out in the Rockies [goes to spray it on Johnny’s right leg, but only a couple of globs come out. Denny shakes the can and tries again on Johnny’s left leg]: The Rockies! [a thin line of whipped cream comes out, hardly enough to count as snow. Denny gives up on that can of whipped cream, gets another one, and shakes it]: I said, "Snow starting out in the Rockies" [the cannister slightly sprays Denny]: Whoops! [finally gaining control of the cannister, Denny (as Thelma) sprays Johnny with a full can of whipped cream across his left leg, on his groin, and across his naked chest with her victim whimpering throughout as she’s making her next weather prediction]: Making its way across America. Who could believe such snow? [stops at Johnny’s face]: New York City--17 inches! Massachusetts and Maine--it’s gonna be snowed in.
Johnny The Weather Map: Do "Massachusetts and Maine" again.
Thelma Thunder [ignores Johnny’s request and bends over to put away the cannister of whipped cream] You think that’s bad, honey? Wait ‘til you see what’s gonna happen to the Midwest--what’s gonna happen [bends over and produces a metal bucket filled with rocks]: Hailstones! [chucks a handful of "hailstones" at Johnny as he promptly reacts]: The size of cantaloupes! [continues chucking "hailstones" at Johnny]: Grapefruits! It’s gonna snow so bad, I can’t stand it! It’s cold. All right! [drops the bucket of rocks]
Johnny The Weather Map: Make it--make it snow some more.
Thelma Thunder: [ignores Johnny and picks up a riding crop] Now for a quick temperature check ["Temp. Range" super appears on the screen, listing: "L.A.-- Mid-70’s", "Chi.--Mid-20’s", and "NYC--Mid-40’s". Thelma slaps down her riding crop and points to the chart]: Take a look over there and see a look at the temperatures and dress accordingly. Wear your leather boots in the rain and snow--or else! ["Temp. Range" super disappears]
Johnny The Weather Map: Right.
Thelma Thunder: [snaps back] Quiet! [to audience]: This has been your "Leather Weather Report". I’m Thelma Thunder, you Leather Weather girl. Good night.
Johnny The Weather Map: Good night.
[over the live studio audience applause, Thelma Thunder barks, "Shut up!" to Johnny the Weather Map]
[dissolve to Leather Weather Report title card]
Submitted by: Candy