Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 4













80d: Jamie Lee Curtis / James Brown, Ellen Shipley

Badger Convention

Hotel Manager.....Joe Piscopo
Waitress.....Jamie Lee Curtis
Badger President.....Charles Rocket
Rodriguez.....Gilbert Gottfried
Higgins.....Patrick Weathers
Badger Secretary.....Eddie Murphy
Pendleton.....Matthew Laurence
Badger.....Andy Murphy

[ open on interior, hotel banquet room, as a waitress tidies up the tables before the meeting about to take place. The banner on the back wall reads: "Badger Convention." ]

[ Hotel Manager enters room ]

Hotel Manager: Well, is everything ready for the banquet?

Waitress: Yep, we're all set!

Hotel Manager: You know, you're waiting on the Badgers tonight?

Waitress: Yeah. Who are these Badgers, anyway, a hockey team or something?

Hotel Manager: Uh.. you wish. [ chuckles to himself ]

[ Hotel Manager exits, as the rowdy Badgers burst into the room, dressed in loud suits accompanied by stuffed badgers on their heads, and already with the wisecracks ]

Badger President: Okay, fellas - let's badger 'em!

[ five of the Badgers sit among two tables, as the Badger President takes his stance at the podium ]

Waitress: Uh.. hello?

Rodriguez: Oh-ho-ho, yeah!

Waitress: Excuse me? Good evening. You all must be the Badgers. Would you all like to check your hats?

Badger President: [ removes his badger cap and sniffs the fur ] There's nothing wrong with our hats. Would you like to check the bottom of your shoes!

[ The Badgers crack themselves up laughing ]

Waitress: Well, I never!

Badger President: Oh, I bet you have!

[ they all make faces and gestures at the Waitress, as she turns and runs out of the room ]

Badger President: Brother Badgers, the meeting of Milwaukee Badger Post 213 will now come to order. Any old badgering?

Rodriguez: Yes!

Badger President: Rodriguez?

Rodriguez: I'd like to commend Brother Higgens here for badgering the bus driver all the way over here!

[ the Badgers hoot and hollar at the excitement ]

Higgins: And I'd like to commend Brother Rodriguez for badgering that man about bringing his dog into the lobby!

[ Rodriguez puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and whips out a walking cane, as all the Badgers whoop and hollar at his pantomime ]

Badger President: Sit down, Rodriguez! Hey, do I hear a Secretary's report?

Secretary: Uh.. yes. Uh.. our Junior Badgers basketball team isn't doing too well.

Badgers: Ohhhh..

Secretary: Unfortunately, they lost their first game to the Lion's Cluib.

Badgers: Ohhhh..

Secretary: But.. on the bright side, those little Badgers managed to rack up fourteen technical fouls!

Badger President: Alriiight!! Okay, Junior Badgers. Hey, do we have any candidates for Badgerdom?

Secretary: Uh, yes.. Brother Pendleton. [ indicates the man sitting next to him ]

Badger President: Pendleton! Oh, good to see you here. Up front and center, Pendleton! [ Pendleton stands and approaches the podium ] Of course, I trust you've familiarized yourself with the Badger Code?

Pendleton: I know it by heart.

Badger President: Okay, you ready, pal?

Pendleton: Uh-huh. [ raises his right hand ]

Badger President: Great! B!

Pendleton: Bothersome!

Badger President: A!

Pendleton: Annoying!

Badger President: D!

Pendleton: Dispicable!

Badger President: G!

Pendleton: Grating!

Badger President: E!

Pendleton: Exasperating!

Badger President: R!

Pendleton: And.. Ridiculing!

Badger President: Alright, Pendleton, very good! Excellent! [ places a Badger cap onto Pendleton's head ] Just remember, Pendleton, that only those who live by the Code can truly call themselves.. Badgers!

[ Badger President attempts to shake Pendleton's hand, but Pendleton pulls it away at the last second. They enjoy the gag, as Pendleton returns to his seat. ]

Badger President: Hey! Brother Pendleton. Okay. [ turns his attention to the other table ] Rodriguez, in light of your accomplishment, let's give you the first honor at dinner tonight.

[ everyone cheers Rodriguez on, as he runs to the center of the room and begins his display of badgering ]

Rodriguez: Waitress!!

Waitress: [ re-appears ] Yes, sir, would you all like to order drinks?

Rodriguez: Uh.. you make a Tom Collins?

Waitress: Sure.

Rodriguez: You make a Harvey Wallbanger?

Waitress: Absolutely!

Rodriguez: You ever make a guy named Marvin Grishman!

Waitress: I can't beleive my ears!

Badger President: Oh, really? I can't believe your face! What a horrible waste of skin!

Waitress: [ self-conscious ] What's wrong with my face?!

Rodriguez: Oh! Is that your face, or did your neck throw up!

Waitress: [ screams ]

Hotel Manager: O-kay. What seems to be the problem here?

Waitress: They were badgering me!

Hotel Manager: Oh, you guys! I was nice enough to let you come back to the hotel this year. Now, if you don't cut out that badgering, I'm just gonig to have to ask you to leave!

[ the Badgers fake moaning and groaning, not the least bit intimidated by being asked to leave ]

Hotel Manager: Now, gentlemen! Gentlemen! [ to Waitress ] Tell me, dear, what did they say?

Waitress: They owe me an apology! They said terrible things about my face!

Hotel Manager: Well, that's disgusting.

Waitress: Yeah, the insults!

Hotel Manager: No, your face! [ whips out a badger cap from inside his jacket, and puts it on his head ] Joe Bolton, Badge Troop 118! [ makes faces and hollars with the rest of the Badgers, as the Waitress runs crying out of the room ]

[ zoom out ]

[ SUPER: "86% Of All Americans Hate Statistics" ]

[ fade ]


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