Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 5

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

December 20th, 1980

David Carradine

The cast of The Pirates of Penzance



Andy Murphy

Neil Levy

Mitchell Kriegman

Joe's Don Pardo Impression
Summary: The voice of Don Pardo expresses his disapproval with Joe Piscopo's hopes to replace him as SNL's announcer.


David Carradine's Monologue
Summary: Charles Rocket gets a kung fu kick for trying to stop David Carradine from singing "I Wanna Be A Dancin' Man" across grains of sand.

Gun City
Summary: A manic spokesman (Joe Piscopo) touts the last-minute Christmas firearms deals for the entire family.


Kung Fu Fashions
Summary: The black owner (Eddie Murphy) of a menswear shop gives traveling Caine (David Carradine) fashion advice.


Valley Girls At The Mall
Summary: Valley girls Vickie (Gail Matthius) and Debbie (Denny Dillon) try to impress boys (Joe Piscopo, Charles Rocket) at the mall.

Recurring Characters: Vickie, Debbie.


The Rocket Report
Summary: Charles Rocket covers the story of a derelict Santa Claus (Charles Rocket) who wanders the streets of New York in despair.

Recurring Characters: Santa Claus.


Dylan & Guthrie
Summary: Bob Dylan (Patrick Weathers) visits Woody Guthrie (David Carradine) in the hospital, and the two speak to one another via folksy song lyrics.

Recurring Characters: Bob Dylan.


The Home Version of Dallas
Summary: Add a little excitement to your family's strife by imitating the dysfunctional Ewing clan in the privacy of your home.


"Mr. Bill's Christmas Special"
Summary: In a film by Walter Williams, Mr. Bill recalls painful holiday memories of Christmases past.


Kung Fu Christmas
Summary: Caine (David Carradine) and a black Bruce Lee (Eddie Murphy) co-star in a new Christmas movie.

Weekend Update with Charles Rocket
Summary: While providing holiday do's and don'ts, Ann Risley recommends including lard wrapped in plastic bags. Joe Piscopo silently comments on NBC Sports Executive Producer Don Ohlmeyer's decision to run NFL broadcasts with on-screen statistics instead of using actual announcers.

Linda Ronstadt, Rex Smith, George Rose and the cast of "The Pirates of Penzance" perform a medley of songs from the musical

Heroin in Harlem
Summary: Lt. Sam Cleveland (Eddie Murphy) gives rich white drug users (Joe Piscopo, Ann Risley, Charles Rocket) an authentic heroin experience in Harlem.


The Virgin Search
Summary: A trio of NBC executives (Matthew Laurance, Mitchell Kriegman, Neil Levy) search the globe for a virgin, eventually crossing paths with Gail Matthius.


Dopenhagen & Happy Daze
Summary: Spokesperson (David Carradine) uses the product to stay smokeless and avoid lighting up.

Death of Colonel Sanders
Summary: Kentucky Fried Chicken diners (David Carradine, Denny Dillon, Eddie Murphy) eat fried chicken to mourn the passing of Colonel Sanders.

"The Dancing Man"
Summary: In a film by Mitchell Kriegman, an ordinary man (Bill Irwin) can't keep himself from dancing.


Welfare Counseling
Summary: welfare counselor (Denny Dillon) advises recipients Ms. Robley (Yvonne Hudson) and Caine (David Carradine) to take up prostitution.

Linda Ronstadt, Rex Smith, George Rose and the cast of "The Pirates of Penzance" perform a medley of Christmas carols


SNL Transcripts