Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 5


















80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance

Kung Fu Fashions

Owner.....Eddie Murphy
Customer.....??
Caine.....David Carradine
Master.....Gilbert Gottfried

[ open up on black menswear shop, as a customer checks himself in a mirror ]

Owner: You like that, don't you?

Customer: LOVE it, man!

Owner: You look GOOD, man!

Customer: Thank you, Brother! Thank you!

Owner: I'm tellin' you, man -- you looking' respectable now, I tell you!

Customer: You got it!

Owner: Now, don't you be tellin' nobody about them discounts I give you now!

Customer: That's cool, baby.

Owner: That's cool!

Customer: I'll be back next Friday, just so you know.

Owner: Okay!

Customer: I appreciate what you doing for me.

Owner: Believe me, I'll check you -- hey, man, don't forget your skilly now!

[ the customer grabs his hat and heads for the door, as Caine appears in the doorway ]

Customer: Watch where you GOING, man!

Caine: Uh, excuse me. The path is often narrow.

Customer: Sorry, man.

Caine: I seek water.

Customer: Well... when you FIND it, I hope you take a BATH in it!

[ he exits the shop ]

Owner: Say-hey, my man! What can I do you!

Caine: Uh -- I have wandered far. My thirst is great. I seek water.

Owner: Water? Water? Man, you would have NO trouble finding something to drink if you were DRESSED right!

Caine: [ looking at his clothes ] A man's soul is clothed in the remnants of his deeds.

Owner: Hey, man, look -- there ain't NO soul in looking thread-bare and funky! [ he removes Caine's hat ] Now, take this stuff off. But you DO look funky, let me tell you. I don't know what this is you got on. You must have been walking a long ways! Take this off, now. [ he reaches over to a rack ] Check this here out -- Mohair! It's got elastic armpits... a place for the stash over here. Check it out, man! When's payday?

Caine: What's "payday"?

Owner: You know -- Payday! From work! Ohhh, I gets it -- you a PLAYER!

Caine: Yes! I am the archer and the target... the pitcher and the catcher... the spectator in the stands. Sometimes, I sell the hot dogs.

Owner: Well, look, my man -- you gonna play, you got to play for KEEPS! Now, you got to play in STYLE! [ he holds the jacet open for the timid Caine ] Go on, put it on!

Caine: Huh?

Owner: Put it on! It ain't gonna hurt you! You looking -- put that bag DOWN! You a tacky-looking white dude, let me tell you that!

[ Caine puts the jacket on, then wraps his satchel over it ]

Owner: Now, check this out -- [ he places a hat on Caine's head ] Simulated cheetah! You be turning heads and breaking necks with THAT hat, my man! Come on, take a look at yourself in the glass! You looking good!

Caine: I seek water.

Owner: Yeah, water, right. Just look at yourself in the mirror! You looking VICIOUS! Ha ha! Yeah.

[ Caine poses in front of the mirror, until the image of his Master appears ]

Master: Be not seduced by the allure of fine menswear, Grasshopper. For, with each season, fashions change. Trust not your fate to gay Italians, Grasshopper.

Caine: But, Master -- where the peacocks gather, is not a gray sparrow made to eat at the small card table?

Owner: Say, I don't even KNOW the dude, man!

Master: Is it clothes you seek, Grasshopper, or the approval of other men? Roll that around in your peabrain for a while!

Caine: Master! I wish to ask you one more thing!

Owner: Go ahead, Brother -- I'm all ears!

Caine: Why do you call me "Grasshopper"?

Owner: Who called you "Grasshopper"?

Master: I call you "Grasshopper", because you are ugly like insect.

[ Caine's Master fades away ]

Caine: But, Master! I thought you were blind?

Owner: I'm not blind! I'm BLACK! And I ain't called you no Grasshopper, neither! Now, look here, my -- [ Caine twists around and karate chops at the Owner ] Say, be chilling, now! Don't be hopping 'round the store! Come over here! I want you to check out this righteous walking stick! [ he holds up a walking stick ]

Caine: I cannot wear your jacket or walk your stick.

Owner: What's wrong, man? That jacket fits PERFECT!

Caine: It fits the body, but not the... heart.

Owner: Oh, it's tight around the chest? Well, let me customize it for you. I'll put a little seam up under it. [ he holds a pair of scissors to the back of the jacket, as Caine jumps ] Hold still, now! I ain't gonna cut you now. Y'all come over here, y'all get all scared -- we ain't gonna hurt you! [ he cuts a seam into the back of the jacket ] Here we go. You looking good! Go on, try it out now.

Caine: Soul and priest fears nothing.

[ Caine stands before the mirror once again and poses ]

Owner: Lord have mercy!

[ the image of Caine's Master reappears in the mirror ]

Master: The man of the spirit wears not the clothes of the pimp!

[ Caine's Master fades away ]

Caine: [ removing the jacket ] I cannot wear your jacket!

Owner: Say, but, hey -- I CUSTOMIZED it! When I customize something, it's SOLD! A SALE! Ffity dollars!

Caine: [ he shrugs ] I have no money.

Owner: You ain't got no -- well, then, you in TROUBLE, my man! You got some RINGS or something? What you got in the BAG over there?!

Caine: Only what a disciple needs.

Owner: [ confused ] I thought you was a player?

[ music stings ]

Caine: I am a wanderer. My name is Caine. [ he pauses ] They used to call me "Grasshopper".

Owner: Oh, yeah?

Caine: Well... now, I must destroy your store.

Owner: Say what?!

[ Caine strikes martial arts poses ]

Caine: It's what I do best.

Owner: Say, man -- you been smoking DUST or something?!

Caine: Don't worry, don't worry... I do it in slow-motion.

Owner: Man, what's wrong with you? You out your mind or --

[ Caine throws up his leg and karate kicks a display to the ground ]

[ the Owner quickly dials the phone, as Caine proceeds to destroy the store with his hands and feet ]

Owner: Say, POLICE?! I got a guy here tearing up the place! Yeah, he a BUM! A WHITE dude! I think he been smoking DUST! Used to be the GRASSHOPPER!

[ the band plays "Pick Up The Pieces", as the camera pans out, with SUPER: "Coming Up: Babes In Thailand" ]

[ fade ]


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