Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 5










80e: David Carradine / The cast of The Pirates of Penzance

Valley Girls At The Mall

Vickie.....Gail Matthius
Debbie.....Denny Dillon
Steve.....Joe Piscopo
Randy.....Charles Rocket

[ open on exterior, Cedar Mall during Christmas shopping ]

[ Valley girls Vickie and Debbie carry their bags and popcorn to a planter at the center of the scene, and sit ]

Vickie: [ she sighs ] I am Miss BORED City of 1980! What time is it?

Debbie: Well, it's two, now. I mean, we've already been here four hours, but my mother's not picking us up 'til 5:30.

Vickie: MY GOD!! We've done everything there is to DO at this STUPID MALL! God, I'm BORED to the MAX!

Debbie: We could go back to Hutton's and try on the make-up at the counter?

Vickie: No WAY! I was just in there, and I was trying on some eye shadow, you know, and stuff? And, um, the lady comes up to me and goes, [ mimicking with a high-pitched squeal ] "May I help you?" [ rolls her eyes ] RUDE CITY! I told her to bite the bag, and left.

So, uh... are the guys gonna meet us here or what?

Vickie: My God! Ask me, I'm sure, I don't know. Well, Steve says... that Randy and he are coming here... and I go that we were coming here, too, and so that maybe they could see us. And then, Steve goes, "Okay." And then, Randy goes, "Okay." And then, I go, "Yeah." And then, he goes, "Bye." And then, I go, "Bye." And he goes, "See ya'!" [ she laughs ] God! I almost DIED! I love it.

Debbie: [ excited ] Is this like a date, or what?

Vickie: I don't know! But DON'T leave me alone with Steve, because he is SUCH a pervert. It's Rape City. [ changing the subject ] What'd you buy?

Debbie: Oh... well, I got, like, you know, like, a candle for my sister? And then, like, I got some incense for my cousin in Cleveland...

Vickie: [ looking behind them ] Oh, don't -- don't move! 'Cause I think I see them. [ she looks again ] I DO! Oh, GOD, I'm so nervous!

Debbie: Are they coming over?

Vickie: [ whispering ] Yeah, they're right here, shut up!

[ Steve and Randy approach ]

Steve: [ sitting on the edge of the planter ] Hi.

Vickie: [ in a more grown-up voice ] Hi, Steve.

Randy: WAIT! [ he runs across the floor, performs a jump-shot and slams his beer can into a garbage can ] TWOOO!! [ he swaps a cool handshake with Steve ]

Steve: [ to the girls ] So, uhhh... what's happening?

[ Debbie giggles uncontrollably ]

Vickie: Well, we've just been all around, you know, shopping and some junk! And watching all the WEIRDOS come to the mall! [ she laughs ]

Debbie: Like this guy we saw at McDonlad's! [ she laughs ]

Vickie: He was SO gross! [ she laughs ] And then Debbie starting laughing so hard that -- [ she cracks up laughing ] root beer starting coming out her nose! God! I couldn't believe you did it! That was so FAKE! God! Debbie! Stop being so quirky! God! [ she controls her laughter ] So, anyway -- um, um, um --

Debbie: Then we practically got thrown out of Woolworth's! They thought we were mental cases! [ she laughs ]

Vickie: Shut UP, Debbie! I'm sure! In the bag! So, um -- skank! So, um -- what do you guys wanna do?

Steve: Uh... we were just thinking of doing some, uh, Space Invaders.

[ Randy imitates the Space Invaders sound effects, cracking the girls up ]

Vickie: God, shut up!

Steve: [ standing ] Take it easy.

[ Steve and Randy exit and head for the arcade ]

Vickie: See? I told you he liked you!

Debbie: Well, he didn't even say anything.

Vickie: He never DOES!

Debbie: You think he'll call me?

Vickie: Oh, for sure! But you GOTTA write down a whole bunch of junk on a piece of paper and stuff, 'cause he doesn't talk on the phone, either, and, like, you'll probably have to do it ALL yourself. It's really sad.

Debbie: Why were they acting so weird?

Vickie: They ACT that way around GIRLS, 'cause at our age, girls are TEN TIMES more mature than they are! They act so STUPID! But they can't -- they can't help it!

Debbie: Yeah, that's why I think we ought to go to Votech and meet some of those college guys.

Vickie: [ aghast ] THEY act like that, TOO! I swear -- ALL guys, except for dads, act that way! I'm serious.

[ they exit the mall ]

[ fade ]


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