Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 6








80f: Ray Sharkey / Jack Bruce & Friends

Ray Sharkey's Monologue

.....Ray Sharkey

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen -- Ray Sharkey!

[ Sharkey runs out, does a pratfall and lands seated on the floor, then jumps to his feet ]

Ray Sharkey: ALRIGHT!! [ he blows kisses to the audience ] Hi, everybody! 20 million people out there -- I LOVE YOU!!

Voice from the Audience: We do, too!

Ray Sharkey: [ he shrugs ] That's my mother, it's okay. [ the audience laughs ] It really is! It really is my mother! Back in New York, man! This is it, I gotta tell you. This is the greatest [ mouths: "fuckin'" ] city in the whole world! [ the audience cheers ] Alright! When I got here, they said to me the irst thing I gotta do is come out and, uh, you know, say a few words... I said, "Great!" Hey -- a monologue! I always wanted to do a monologue, you know? Those laughs... tell some jokes... a little stand-up routine. So, a little later on, I'm gonna tell some jokes and stuff, and I may need a little help from the audience out there. You guys are my friends -- right?

[ the audience cheers enthusiastically ]

Okay! That's later! But I gotta tell you about my trip coming into town -- in one minute. I go through this whole thing. I got off the plane, right? I fly from Los Angeles to New York -- a distance of about... 3,000 miles, right? It took five hours, okay? To get my bags from the plane to the car -- 300 feet -- it takes me about SIX hours! Fuhgeddaboudit! So I get in the cab, I get on the freeway -- oh, they call 'em "highways" here, sorry about that! -- and I look and I see the 59th Street Bridge, and I know I'm home. You know? I mean, it's like what a feeling. Ugh! The worst thing about it -- I took this flight, it's called a Redeye. Anybody take the Redeye? [ the audience cheers ] Fuhgeddaboudit! I mean, everybody walks on the plane looking so beautiful... the next day, it's like, fuhgeddaboudit! I sat next to this woman, she was the most beautiful woman in the world. In the morning, she wakes up, she looks like... ugh! Fuhgeddaboudit! We broke up -- I didn't even sleep with her! It was terrible. When I got to the city, I got so depressed, you know? I was driving in the car, and this BLIZZARD was comin' down! Fuhgeddaboudit! And it snows... there's a beautiful white blanket. I'm depressed and then, wait a minute, man... underneath this white blanket is the greasy, gray film and dirt of New York. This is, this is my home, and I love it! I'm glad to be back!

[ the audience applauds enthusiastically ]

And about those jokes, you know what? I'm not supposed to do this, but I'm gonna do it! Forget about the jokes! I'm here to have a good time, and we're ALL here to have a good time! We've got a GREAT show! Hang on, we'll be right back! ENJOY YOURSELVES!!


SNL Transcripts