Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 7

80g: Karen Black / Cheap Trick, Stanley Clarke Trio

60 Minutes

Dan Rather.....Joe Piscopo
Bill Leonard.....Pete Fatovich
Heather Clark.....Jeannine Kerwin
Mike Wallace.....??

[ open on graphic of ticking clock ]

[ dissolve to Dan Rather seated in front of "No Babes In Newsland..." graphic ]

Dan Rather: I'm Dan Rather... with another edition... of "60 Minutes". In past shows, we've investigated everything from the Tunisian Gulf... to the Love Canal. Tonight, we take a look at ourselves. In a recent poll, it was disclosed that what IRKS most viewers of "60 Minutes"... is that there ARE... NO... WOMEN. We explain this phenomenon as we examine... No Babes... In Newsland.

[ cut to film footage of Dan Rather interviewing Bill Leonard ]

Dan Rather V/O: We talked to Bill Leonard, President of CBS News, about this situation.

Bill Leonard: There ARE women on "60 Minutes"! Ask anyone on the show!

Dan Rather: I AM on the show... and there ARE no women!

Bill Leonard: That's because -- that's because 1 out of every 4 weeks, they wouldn't be able to work! [ chuckling ] You know what I mean, Dan?

[ Dan Rather offers a stone-faced reaction ]

Bill Leonard: I mean, after all, Dan -- we're replacing you with a Black man. That's practically the same thing!

[ cut to Dan Rather walking through the offices of "60 Minutes" ]

Dan Rather V/O: We decided to ask some of the women who work on the "60 Minutes" staff... why there are no women on the air. But we couldn't find any women... here.

[ Dan Rather looks back at the desks dominated by male employees ]

[ cut to male employees drinking coffee in the break room ]

Dan Rather V/O: -- or here.

[ cut to Dan Rather standing in front of a women's restroom ]

Dan Rather: -- or here.

[ cut to Dan Rather interviewing Heather Clark ]

Dan Rather V/O: This is Heather Clark... award-winning journalist.

Heather Clark: I was almost hired by "60 Minutes" to be an acnhorperson, but it never materialized.

Dan Rather: Why not? What happened?

Heather Clark: [ she sighs heavily ] I don't like to say this, but... I just have a feeling that Mike Wallace did not want me hired.

[ cut to Mike Wallace ]

Dan Rather V/O: So we spoke to Mike Wallace.

Mike Wallace: Ridiculous! Heather Clark is a fine journalist, and she'd be an asset to the show.

[ cut to Dan Rather speaking to Heather Clark ]

Dan Rather: Mike Wallace told us -- and I quote -- "Heather Clark" would "be an asset to the show."

Heather Clark: Well, I just get the feeling that he did not want me hired.

Dan Rather: Why?

Heather Clark: Well, there's this note I received.

[ she pulls out a large, painted note that reads: "Take This Job -- You're Dead" ]

Dan Rather V/O: We spoke to Mike Wallace about these allegations.

[ cut to Mike Wallace ]

Mike Wallace: You know, Dan -- I wouldn't do a thing like that!

[ camera pulls back to reveal hand-painted signs of a similar nature ]

Mike Wallace: Besides -- it's not even my handwriting!

[ cut to Dan Rather interviewing someone who's face is obscured by a blue dot ]

Dan Rather V/O: We asked a trusted CBS employee about Mr. Wallace's behavior. He asked not to be identified on camera.

Voice: [ obviously Walter Cronkite ] It's clear from every eye, from Maine to Alaska, that Mike Wallace is a good reporter. But when it comes to women, it's another matter ENTIRELY! You know, he's a close friend of Harry Reasoner's, and ever since Harry was viciously CASTRATED by Barbara Walters, Mike swore NEVER to work with a woman again!

[ cut to Dan Rather standing outside of Mike Wallace's office ]

Dan Rather: Mike? We'd like to ask you a few questions.

[ peeking through the door frame ] I'm not in!

[ Mike Wallace shuts the door, then shoves a hand-painted "I'm Not In" sign under the door ]

Dan Rather: [ he picks up the sign and reads it ] "I'm No In". [ he glares at the camera ] He's not in!

[ return to live studio "No Babes In Newsland..." graphic ]

Dan Rather V/O: Since we last broadcast that story... we received a number of letters.

[ letters appear on screen ]

A woman from Canoga Park California wrote: " was about time that you exposed this gross injustice."

A gentlemen from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania said: "...I like it. But why don't you do stories on important things: Like why there are no black hockey players?"

And this, from New York City: [ signed R. Mudd ] " usual Rather got his facts mixed up. I can't believe an irresponsible Journalist like him is replacing Walter Cronkite."

[ dissolve to Dan Rather in front of the "No Babes In Newsland..." graphic ]

Dan Rather: I'm Dan Rather. Join us next week... for another edition... of "60 Minutes".

[ fade ]

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