Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 8







80h: Robert Hays / Joe "King" Carrasco & The Crowns, 14 Karat Soul

Love American Style

.....Robert Hays
Voice of Inflatable Woman.....Gail Matthius

[ open on Robert Hays sitting alone in a hotel room ]

Robert Hays: Ah, this room that Tony set up for me sure is nice.. but I thought he knew how lonely I got on these promotional tours. I've been spending too many hours alone.. [ an Inflatable Woman suddenly rises from behind the couch ] What is this, some kind of a joke? Tony? Huh? Are you around here, huh? [ he reads the note on the Inflatable Woman ] "Patty Pleasure. For a good time, pull my string." [ curious, he pulls her string ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: Aren't you going to ask a lady to sit down?

Robert Hays: [ confused ] Well.. sure.. [ he pulls her over the couch, sits her down, then pulls her string again ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: You know.. you were wonderful in "Airplane!"

Robert Hays: Well, thanks. A lot of people don't appreciate a comic performance. [ pulls her string ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: Your eyes have a way of seeing right through me..

Robert Hays: Really? [ pulls her string ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: I know how to make a man happy. I can.. [ Robert quickly pulls her string so he can hear the rest ] ..tie you up, or you can tie me up, or.. I can invite my friend Terri over, and you could.. [ he quickly pulls the string again ] ..watch. Do you think you could handle that?

Robert Hays: Well, uh.. you'd probably be plenty for me! [ pulls her string again ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: Well, what are you waiting for?

Robert Hays: Well, uh.. what do I do? [ pulls her string ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: You can start by giving me $100.

Robert Hays: For what?! [ pulls her string ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: For the time of your life.

Robert Hays: Are you out of your mind? [ pulls string ]

Voice of Inflatable Woman: Give me $100, and we'll talk about it.

Robert Hays: Oh, yeah? Well, who's going to make me pay for it?

[ an inflatable pimp balloon suddenly rises from behind the couch, as Robert realizes what he's up against ]

[ pan up to audience, zoom in on surprised woman with SUPER: "Only Looks Sleazy" ]

[ fade ]


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